Glossip With JennJenn

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 02:36:00 +0000

So...I was watching one of my favorite movies, "Out of Sight", the one with Clooney & J.Lo. It's not only a cool, original story with amazing cinematography and direction, but it has, in my opinion, the absolute hottest scene ever put on film:

That is one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. It's a typical Steven Soderbergh movie with the freeze framing, the amazing lighting and music, the out of sequence frames all which created this amazingly hot love scene. It's so intimate and intense, but there's no nudity or graphic sex. It's two people who aren't supposed to be together (she's an FBI agent and he's a prison escapee for fuck's sake), but the attraction is so incredibly strong that you know it's going to happen...and it's going to be fuckin' awesome! I like the flirtatious convo with all the eye contact, but the best is the small gestures the characters make. Like the brush of the thigh, Jack taking the drink from Karen to hold her hand, the slow dance, and then the first kiss which seems to take forever and is made even sexier with the freeze frame effect and Jack and Karen silhouetted. By this time they're full on making out, I've been holding my breath for like 5 minutes. It's so intense! My favorite of all time.

Now, the trunk scene from "Out of Sight" is pretty good. However, it doesn't hold a candle to the bar scene. And Jack seems to have an affinity for Karen's thigh, and I can't blame him. He's always touching her! But I like the uncomfortable closeness in this scene. The too long stares Jack does. And how Karen so obviously wants him too, but can't show it. Again, INTENSE!

Another one of my favorites is "Unfaithful" with the incredibly talented Diane Lane, Olivier Martinez, & Richard Gere. This movie is about a bored, wealthy housewife who begins an affair with an exotic book store owner, Olivier Martinez. Eventually, her husband played by Richard Gere finds out which begins a series of tragic events ending in death and lies. The sex scenes in this movie aren't AT ALL subtle especially compared to "Out of Sight" and do not leave anything to the imagination. They're pure passion and fuckin'...equally awesome! Diane Lane is so brilliant in this. You can physically see her mental torture and being torn apart inside. We've all made the choice of whether to sucuumb to temptation - to something every part of your being wants but your conscious knows is wrong. And then make the choice to give in and FUCKING LOVE IT! And the part where book guy takes off her shoes and panties? Holy Christ, hotness. Also, Richard Gere's character gets oddly hot at the end. In the beginning of the movie, he's so boring. By the end, jealousy and anger take over and he commits a truly horrific act to, in his mind, save his marriage and keep his wife. There's something frighteningly hot about having someone love you that much - bordering on unhealthy obsession. So, if you love to mentally torture yourself and love hot sex, this is your movie, motherfucker.

DIANA LANE SEX SCENE- UNFAITHFUL - Funny bloopers R us

Now, this next scene isn't really a "sex" scene as much as a "sexy" scene. It's Salma Hayak's striptease in "From Dusk Til Dawn" as the evil vampire Santanico Pandemonium. She has the most amazing bodies and moves I've ever seen. Tarantino also picked the perfect music to go with this too - a Mexican mariachi band playing a sexy slow song. I really want to learn that whole lick the beer off my leg thing. The hottest part of this whole striptease is when Hayak takes off the headdress and starts swinging her hair around as fire erupts in the background as she does this little hip shimmy thing. Hayak is disgustingly sexy and as Clooney says here, "Now that's what I call a fucking show!"

The rollercoaster scene in "Fear" is really hot too. Again, with the whole obssessive/passionate affair. Who wouldn't want to be finger-popped by their psychotic but sensitive boyfriend on a carnival ride? I know I would love it. But I'm a sick fuck. Watch this! It's so exhilirating!

Now, "Secretary" was one of those movies people really liked or just didn't get. I love movies that give me a weird mind fuck and challenge my thoughts of what is morally and sexually decent. One of the issues I had with this movie was if a)is this chick played by Maggie Gyllenhaal retarded or just socially awkward or b)is James Spaders's character just being mean? I really think she's just really weird and bored and obviously a complete pushover. And Spader's character totally takes advantage of it. I guess it's a perfect dominant/submissive love story. And who doesn't deserve/love a good swat on the ass every once in a while? Fun for the whole family!

Finally, Mr. Matt Damon convinces me he's not a goofy asexual in "The Bourne Identity"! Oh, man this make out scene is intense. His character and his girl are trying to outrun the FBI and have to disguise themselves in a yucky hotel room. He cuts her hair for her and make this connection ending in hot makeoutz. I just love this one because it's such a turn on for a guy to primp and pamper me like that. Like brushing my hair or doing my nails. It's so sweet and intimate. And I would SO makeout with you Bourne Identity-style.

WaxFantastic.com!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 01:05:00 +0000

Well, here it is!

www.waxfantastic.com

It's the podcast Rick, Eddie, and I have been working on! If you haven't heard it on Paltalk you can sign up on the waxfantastic.com site and download past episodes as well as our indiviual blogs. Please visit. You'll love it. Tell us what you think!

<333333 Jenn

WAX FANTASTIC!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 12:02:00 +0000

Hai Pumpkins <3...Well, as you've noticed, I haven't updated the site in a while. Not that I don't love it, but it's just that I've been posting blogs on my myspace working on an exciting, awesome new project! It's the "Wax Fantastic" podcast with Friends Rick & Eddie! We will create a website for a new blogs from me and the guys as well as a page to listen to our podcasts. We also play the week's podcast Mondays from 9pm - 11pm (Eastern time) in The Opie Fan Room on Paltalk if you want to join us there. Love you guys!

MySpace Blogs

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 18:24:00 +0000

I have some new blogs up on my myspace page. Click here to read them! <3

Glossip Times!

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Thu, 29 May 2008 16:12:00 +0000

Hi y'all! Sorry it's been awhile since my last post. I've written a few blogs on my myspace if you haven't seen those already. Be sure to check there if I haven't updated for a while. Anyway, here's some of my commentary on some recent entertainment stories. Glossip FTW!

Singer Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz from the band "Fallout Boy" (ew) got married last weekend. And it was also revealed that they are expecting a baby. Awww, what a lucky little baby...wow, think of all the talent you will inherit....oh wait, your mom is only famous because your stupid, vapid aunt doesn't know what tuna fish is made out of even though it is clearly stated in the name, and your daddy can sport eyeliner like an experienced drag queen and has awful emo hair for which he should be executed. Yeah, I wouldn't count on the talent thing.

If worse comes to worse, you can always go to college to be a doctor, lawyer, or a successful businesswoman. But if God hates you and you get the IQ of your Aunt Jessica, Wal-Mart and IHOP are always hiring! And when Grandpa Joe starts talking about your boobs, it's time to hit the bricks before you get sucked into your family's weird, incestuous clusterfuck of lies, lip-syncing, embarrassment, stupidity, & failure. I can honestly say you would be better off being raised by a retarded chimp, a wooden pickle, and a shoe. But good luck, little fella!

Ooooh, John Mayer & Jennifer Aniston were spotted making out in a hotel pool and have since been seen together around New York. It looks like romance! I kind of like John Mayer. His music is kind of boring, but he's a pretty funny guy. So, what would he want with a weepy, rotten-wombed, annoying, yenta with the sex appeal of a foot? I don't get it. Can you imagine the sex? Just her nonstop whining and laying there on her back bitching, "Are you done yet? Ouch, you're on my hair! But I don't like to be on top." OH MY GOD I WOULD SMUSH HER FACE IN A PILLOW TO DROWN OUT THE WHINING TIL I WAS DONE. I SO couldn't be a guy. I'd end up in jail for domestic battery or possibly second degree murder. Annoying, whiny, frigid bitches are the worst. GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, MAYER, AND GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.

Carmen Electra is coming out with some new striptease workout DVDs, "Vegas Strip" and "In the Bedroom", and is also releasing her new product in addition to the DVDs: the portable stripper pole. I'm not getting a good feeling with this. This product is going to be the downfall of Carmen's career. It's all going to end badly. The portable stripper pole is only going to bring her lawsuits from bored housewives who received spinal cord, back, and head injuries while trying to do "the helicopter" for their sexually frustrated, disinterested husbands who are already getting handies on the side from a real stripper/prostitute. I predict Better Business Bureau complaints, multiple class action lawsuits, , and neverending trial coverage on CourtTV and Nancy Grace.

I also fear Carmen Electra's stripper will set off Armageddon & bring about the downfall of civilization. If this stripper pole is portable, and you are allowed to bring it on planes, it can easily be used as a weapon used to crack some serious skull like The Bride in Kill Bill, impale people, or kill people with some other god-awful method. Terrorists are psychotic, but resourceful, so I'm sure they could develop some insane ways to kill with the Carmen Electra Portable Stripping Pole. All I can imagine is mass shipments of stripper poles to caves in Tora Bora and Al-Qaeda training camps, and terrorists being trained to use them on mountain goats or some dude sentenced to death for looking at a woman's knuckle in order to launch a large-scale 9/11-style attack on the world. IF YOU START SELLING THIS PRODUCT, CARMEN, THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON! DON'T DO IT & SAVE THE WORLD!

So, guess who got her own reality show? It's Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan's mom. Cameras will be following Dina and her youngest child, Ali, as she manages Ali's career and showing her just being a regl'r mom. SEE! CELEBRITIES ARE JUST LIKE US!

God help us. Now instead of just her kids, the whole world can witness her lack of parenting skills and an inside look at the glamorous life of a mediocre stage mom! Exciting topics that will be addressed include:

how to achieve your own career aspirations vicariously through your 10-year-old
how to party like you're 19 again
how to tell your kids daddy is going to prison
how to get that fabulous, orange, fake bake tan
how to enable your child's drug habit
how to get your underage child alcohol and get away with it cuz you're famous
how to lie to the media with a straight face
how to psychologically manipulate your child and fuck her up forever
how to be your child's best friend because parenting is overrated anyways

This family's trainwreck of a story is going to end so much better than Britney's. The Lohan Express isn't just going to derail! NO, it's going to careen through a brick wall at 200 miles an hour, fly off a cliff, roll end over end for a few miles, slide to a grinding halt, catch on fire with all passengers on board burning alive, explode, then kill a few more people with flying shrapnel, release toxic chemicals into the air from the fire, evacuate several towns in a 300 mile radius, kill all plant and animal life in said area creating a permanently contaminated Chernobyl-like dead zone complete with soil and groundwater contamination, chromosomal abnormalities, and birth defects for years to come. I'm talking arms growing out of foreheads and thumbs on elbows freaky shit. You get the picture. I don't know about you, but I can't fucking wait!

18-year-old Rob Knox died early Saturday morning after being shivved outside a bar in southwest London when he tried to defend his little brother over a missing cell phone. Knox was to play Ravenclaw student Marcus Belby in "Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince" which is slated for release in November. You know what? Fuck Harry Potter and his wizardry. WHILE YOUR FRIEND IS BEING SHANKED IN A BAR, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? SIPPING YOUR NON-ALCOHOLIC DAQUIRI WITH YOUR BOWL CUT , YOU NUTLESS BOY-WIZARD? HOW ABOUT WAVE THAT FAGGOTY WAND AROUND OR SPRINKLE SOME PIXIE DUST OVER HIS WOUND YOU DOUCHE? FUCK HARRY POTTER IN HIS FUCKING ASS! I HATE THAT BESPECTACLED FAGGOT!

Ok, I'm completely disgusted with celebrities now, so this is gonna end right now. Love u guys!

My New Obsession

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Wed, 14 May 2008 11:46:00 +0000

I was so happy when I saw that Sgt. Caroline Mason

was named Dlisted.com's Hot Slut of the Week. I am so proud of her! Sgt. Caroline Mason is my favorite person in the world right now, and she's on my most favorite show, "The First 48". This is a reality show on A&E following homicide detectives in cities all over the country as they try to solve murder cases, and Ms. Caroline is one of the homicide detectives from Memphis that the show follows. She is the cutest thing ever, and is not only a sassy, ghetto fabulous bitch, but a damn good cop who can get a confession from the hardest gangbanger and reduce him to to tears. I LOVE HER!

via Dotspotter

The thing I love most about Sgt. Mason is her ability hunt down a murderer all while looking glam & fabulous. I want to be just like her. I think we would make the best partners ever! And Sugar Bear could be in the K-9 Unit and be our attack dog/mascot. Sugar Bear is really protective of me and will not hesitate to bite your ankles if you try to touch me, my jewelry, or most importantly, my Louis Vuitton. I also think we need a rookie for assistance, preferably a gay one

who is skilled with a Bedazzler

to adorn our walkie-talkies, guns, badges, and our awesome squad car

with sparkles, glitter, and stickers. And he has to love puppies because Sugar Bear needs to be brushed, cuddled, and fed chicken nuggets while Mommy and Auntie Caroline are coercing a confession from the bad guys using only our wit, charm, and occasionally, a phone book and/or a threat of a spike heel on the ol' ball bag. Our rookie should also have an extensive knowledge of the Destiny's Child, Whitney Houston, & Salt-N-Pepa music catalogs as we will need empowering theme music for situations we encounter throughout the day. And she SO has to teach me the gangsta lean:

So, what have I learned from my idol?

Trendy ensembles + fabulous hair + street smartz - sensible shoes = most awesome detective ever!

Horror Movie Extravaganza Marathon Weekend Blowout Spectacular

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Sat, 10 May 2008 08:18:00 +0000

So...

some girl ran a stop sign and hit me totaling my car, and I'm bored and depressed. All I've done this weekend is lay on my couch and watch scary movies and eat delicious Cap'n Crunch. I miss my car. I love my car. I want it back. My rental car blows. To my little G6, I will never forget you. I will make sure to visit you at Co-Part Salvage Yard at least once a week until you are turned into scrap metal. I will bring you cans of motor oil, little pine tree air fresheners, and other trinkets of that sort to place on your "grave".

In Memoriam
JennJenn's Sweet Ride
Sometime in 2006 - May 4, 2008

Anyway, here's a list of movies I watched this weekend & loved:

The Orphanage - This was such a good movie. It's in Spanish, so it has subtitles which sucked, but the story was awesome. This woman named Laura returns to the orphanage where she is raised in hopes of turning it into a home for retards. How touching. Soon, she starts seeing the ghosts of her childhood friends and her son goes missing, and she's convinced the ghosts had something to do with it. The rest of the movie shows Laura trying to contact these dead kids in hopes of finding her son. I loved the bittersweet ending, and little kid ghosts in weird "Eyes Wide Shut"-type masks always = scary.

The Evil Dead - A classic! Five friends go on vacation to a cabin in the woods which are haunted by evil spirits. They find The Book of the Dead, and resurrect these demons who go on to possess some of the characters. There is lots of blood, gore, monsters, and awful acting and dialogue making it one of the best scary movies ever.

Solstice - This was a pretty good one even if it was a lot like Gothika. Dead girl gets revenge on the people that killed her. The only thing not mediocre is the dead girl. She's pretty scary. Everytime I saw her I though I thought about the cover of Anne Rice's book "Merrick"

which always creeped me out.

I Spit On Your Grave - This writer chick rents a house in the middle of nowhere to finish her novel, but instead, she is gangraped and almost killed by 3 hicks and the town retard. So what does she do? Nope, doesn't call the cops. She gets revenge FTW! She methodically lures, traps, and kills her attackers. Make sure to look for the bathtub scene. I LOL'd.

One Missed Call - I really can't remember most of this movie, so i guess it sucked. But the ringtone of the calls in the movie have been stuck in my head for days.

Apocalypto - Holy shit was this awesome. And bloody. It's about a tribe captured for human sacrifices by the Mayans. The movie follows a warrior named Jaguar Paw who is captured and eventually escapes the Mayans to go save his family. And it has the best heart ripping out scene since Indiana Jones.

Teeth - Two words: Vagina Dentata. Google that shit.

The Hitcher - One of the coolest car crash scenes ever set to "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. Th hitcher is one of the most psychopathic killers since the chick in High Tension, Hannibal Lecter, and Prince Valliant haircut guy in No Country for Old Men.

Ugh, I'm just sick over my car. This blows.

The Le-er U

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:51:00 +0000

I love British rockers. Not for their musical talent, of course, but because they are hot messes (Pete Dogherty, I'm talking to you), they are fun drunks, they don't pronounce the "t" in the middle of words, and they have a propensity to fight anyone and everything, even a puppet shaped like the letter (or le-er) "U". My favorite part is the little girl's reaction at the end. Yes, honey, I know. We all feel that way about these clowns.

The Billy Letters

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Sun, 04 May 2008 22:02:00 +0000

I found this story on Radar magazine's website, and I'm completely jealous that I didn't come up with this first. Fuck you and your brilliant idea Bill.

Basically, Bill pretended to be a 10 year-old and write famous people like Oprah, Dick Cheney, & Clarence Thomas asking them all kinds of shit from what's their favorite McDonald's breakfast to advice on life. Oh, and he also wrote Charles Manson, Richard Ramirez (the Night Stalker serial killer), Eric Menendez, and the Unabomber asking for their advice. Billy knows how to pick role models. He's going to go far in life.

I think the Charles Manson letters are my favorites only because I can just picture Chaz in his cell twitching away and writing letters full of nonsense and '60s slang, with stupid jive-like syntax that were pretty cool back in the day, but now are just laughable in a sad way.

However, I am disturbed by one thing. He likes to repeat words twice (ex:"win win" and "brok brok" in the last letter) which for someone named JennJenn is pretty scary. Maybe he's just a stutterer. If I ever snap and try to start a race war, please alert the authorities to this correlation, k thx?

And what's up with writing Eric Menendez? If you don't know about the Menendez brothers, they are the rich kids who killed their parents for money back in the '90s. I would've written Lyle because Lyles fascinate me.

What a boring name. It's worse than Kyle. I can't say the name Lyle without doing it condescendingly or without complete disgust in my voice. I think I would as Lyle if he ever knew anyone named Buffy and how he got his mullet to look so awesome in prison. Oh yes, and I'd ask him why he really killed his parents.

I think I was most surprised at the Night Stalker's letters. Richard Ramirez letter sounds like any random convo you would have with one of your high school guy friends. Just chattin' with the Night Stalker about chicks and movies!

What a charming guy!

And that Ted Kacynszki - what a no personality-having motherfucker.

You'd think someone who lived in a one room shack in the boonies for years just building bombs and writing rambling manifestos would have a some sort of imagination. But no, Ted was just all, I don't know you so I can't give you advice, blah, blah, whatever. And when a 10-year old asks you if he should drop out of school, HOW ABOUT A SIMPLE "NO", TED? JESUS.

But I've saved the best for last y'all. Li'l Billy wrote several politicians asking them random, inane shit, but that doesn't matter. What really matters is that they wrote back and SENT AUTOGRAPHED PICTURES FTW! I'm so going to write them just for the smokin' pix. How can you resist that hot piece of ass Alan Greenspan? I want Greenspan completely naked wearing only sock garters holding his black dress socks up while wearing penny loafers while I'm counting his liverspots all over his body. Now that's some hot ass right there.

Or the fucking Terminator? Ooh, what are you going to do with that gun? So, is that part robot or human? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, stupid. I'm going to punch you in the face, and you're going to like it.

Or that sexual chocolate Clarence Thomas? You bang that gavel motherfucker. BANG IT HARD! SHOW ME WHAT'S UNDER THAT ROBE!

OMG Dick Cheney. How I love your horseshoe haircut and child molester glasses. Dick, you are pure sex. We're going to play Drill Sargeant JennJenn, and you're my maggot. Now drop and give me 50, Dick, before I kick your teeth in.

I am going to collect their autographed pictures and create a shrine in my living room. I shall call it "The Wall O' Sex" and make out with their pictures on a daily basis. Thank you, Billy, thank you.

Random Googles and Such

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 04:00:00 +0000

I'm drunk, and it's time for random googles. When I'm bored I like to google words and such and see what pictures come up in google images. I am a loser. Here we go!

1. "penis,penis,penis"

Oh wow, it's a slug penis. I've been thinking, and there are some animals that you just never think of as having genitals. A slug is one of them. Do jellyfish have penises? What about a sea cucumber? Or lizards or something? I don't know. I'll have to do some research.

2. "prince valiant haircut"

I loved "No Country for Old Men", but I think I would have loved it more if I could've paid more attention to it. Instead, I was fixated on Javier Bardem's amazing prince valiant 'do. It's so symmetrical, and the ends are perfectly curled under. I found it hard to believe a serial killer would take time out of his killing spree to get a blowout or meticulously groom his hair this way. And why that makes me laugh, I don't know. But I could be at a funeral, and if you said "prince valiant haircut" to me, I would laugh like a retard on nitrous and not even feel bad about it.

3. "sugar nuts"

Sugar Nuts is what my brother calls my precious little angel Sugar Bear. At first I was not amused. However, every part of Sugar Bear is sweet, so this nickname really is accurate. Oh, Sugar Nuts, I love your little puppy paws, and I love to kiss your puppy nose.

4. "slutty mcslutterson"

Why is St. Patrick coming up with this? Google images is going to hell. I'll save you a spot asshole.

5. "and such"

I love this picture because it remindes me off Will Ferrell's Jeffrey skit from SNL. Jeffrey was the gay fashion designer that had a cell phone about this size and rode around on a Round-A-Bout scooter and always running into stuff with it. One of his best ever, and I forgot how hilarious Horatio Sanz is:

6. "strawberry muffins FTW!"

I just made some delicious strawberry muffins. They are so good. But I don't know why this stupid Christmas card came up when I googled this phrase. If someone set me this Christmas card, I think I would dismember him, put the body parts in a box, wrap the box with a big ol' bow, affix the card to the box, put on my best Christmas sweater and Santa hat, roll around in some tinsel, go to his mother's house, drop-kick said present into the house when she answered the door, then leave. Point made.

7. "gary is a douche"

I think it's a requirement that all guys named Gary be douches. It's like a birth right or something.

8. "teh ghey"

The mere existence of this car astounds me. There is someone on this planet that made a conscious decision to 1. buy a hatchback, 2. paint the hubcaps yellow, 3. drive it to work with no shame, and 4. paint a sweet racing stripe down the side.

9. "faildozer"

Google images, you just redeemed yourself! This is the most accurate picture of the word "faildozer" I could ever dream of. Ike Barinholtz has it down:

10. "what the fuck is wrong with me?"

Purple socks. Right. Because that completely makes sense. I hate feet.

11. "kill me now"

I call this ensemble "i-have-a-concussion-from-the-last-game-and-now-i-only-wear-polo-shirt-dresses-and-slippers-while-I-drink-my-coffee-and-and-make-out-with-my-football-and-i'm-confused-about-my-sexuality chic. And is this the coach from The Waterboy?

In conclusion, Google is perfect for drunken fun. I <3 the Google.

Hot Make-Up Messes

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 03:20:00 +0000

I do a lot of blogging about the products I love, so I'm going to do a post about stuff I've bought and tried and really hate. Don't even bother to waste your money on this garbage:

Maybelline Great Lash Mascara: It's highly overrated, gives you spider lashes and gets clumpy. I hate this mascara with a passion. I suggest Benefit's Bad Gal or Dior's Diorshow mascara or really anything with a large, thick brush.

Essie nail polish in Ballet Slippers: A cult favorite especially with celebrity manicurists, but I found this to be way too streaky with one coat, but too much like White-Out with two. If you want a light pink polish, I suggest Essie's Madameoiselle.

NARS Body Glow bronzer: This is a pretty decent bronzer, but really annoying. It's made with Monoi de Tahiti Oil which solidifies at room temperature, so you either have to place it in hot water or in the shower with you before using it which really blows because I always forget to do that. However, it does give you a nice bronze fake tan and smells like the beach - all coconutty and suntan lotion-y. I guess I have mixed feelings on this one.

DuWop's Lip Venom: This is supposed to be a lip plumper, but really it just stings the shit out of your lips and makes them abnormally red. Boooooo.

Benefit's Dr. Feelgood: I just don't get this one, and I can't remember if I bought it or why. You're supposed to put it on before your make up to smooth out texture and minimize pores, but I didn't notice a difference. This product is completely useless.

Laura Mercier Secret Camouflage concealer: I was very disappointed with this one. It's supposed to be the best concealer on the market, but it just wasn't. And it was too orange and wore off fast. Get Benefit's Boi-ing concealer. It's much better.

Chanel's Liquid Eyeshadow: It goes on pretty, shiny, and colorful, but dries down to a powder that creases too much. Another massive disappointment.

Biosilk Hair Products: I used the shampoo, conditioner, and the shine serum but was not impressed. The shampoo and conditioner dried my hair and the shine serum just made it greasy and stringy looking not shiny. I recommend Frederic Fekkai hair products especially the Technician Glaze to make your hair shine and not greasy/stringy.

Prescriptives Flawless Skin Foundation: For a company that publicizes that they custom mix your foundation for you, they sure do suck at it. The girl that did mine made mine too pink, and the product itself is chalky with little to no coverage. Lame.

My Dream Has Come True

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 17:48:00 +0000

We finally have a Sephora in Little Rock. It's about goddamn time.

I went on a little spree after I got my hair done Saturday (I'm brunette now, y'all) and got some great stuff.

I'll start with bath & body. Philosophy is one of my favorite cosmetic brands ever. I picked up a bottle of Bubbly, the new body wash/shampoo/bubble bath combo thingy that smells like champagne with a hint of citrus. I could sniff it all day. I also picked up a new bottles of Falling in Love which contains notes of vanilla, jasmine, lily of the valley, musk, blackberry and Amazing Grace which is a feminine blend of soft, floral blossoms accented by a hint of light musk. It's one of my favorites. And I bought a bottle of Clean which has notes of green wildberry (whatever the fuck that is), night jasmine, Calabrian bergamot, sweet orange, grapefruit, lime, neroli, and rose Damascenia with middle notes of violet, English lavender, geranium-heliotrope with a white musk base. It's perfect for summer - very light and very fresh. I also picked up a jar of Sephora brand body butter in Citrus Sage. It's perfect for layering with the Clean fragrance or even Amazing Grace, and it moisturizes very well. I'm really impressed.

As for make-up, I got several products from the Stila line. I got a bottle of the All Over Shimmer Liquid Luminizer which I mix with my foundation to make me all glowy. I also bought a compact of the Convertible Color cream blush/lipstick in Lillium. It's a nice dusty rose color, and looks great with my new hair. I also bought a tube of the Lip Glaze in Vanilla which is a pearly nude color. It's very glossy and goes with anything. One of my other favorite brands is Benefit. I bought the Boi-ing concealer in 01 and an Eye Bright pencil. Eye Bright is an amazing product. Use it on your browbone to highlight and in the inner corners of your eyes to instantly brighten your eyes. It really makes a difference, especially if your eyes look tired a lot. The tin of lip gloss in the bottom left corner is Machu Picchu Lip Gloss Duo by CARGO. One color is a shimmery gold and the other is a goldish pink shimmer gloss. You can wear them alone or mix them. Next, I picked up Tinted Mineral Veil which is a facial luminizer and some eyeshadow in Passionate Plum which is a medium purple color. I am so in love with purple eyeshadow. It looks great on anyone if it's applied right. Finally, I got some new nail polish. I got Essie's Wild Thing which is a deep fuschia with flecks of glitter and OPI's Siberian Nights, a deep, glossy purple color.

Gorgeous!

Between Two Ferns

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 12:04:00 +0000

Zach Galifianakis is a genius. I love him so much. Here is his new video of his talk show called "Between Two Ferns" in which he does an interview with Jimmy Kimmel. This is exactly how I would do a talk show. Just me, a 40, taking off my socks and shoes in the middle of an interview, 2 giant ferns, and drunkenly yelling at a giant banana. It's like he was reading my mind and stole my idea.

Hat Removal Ceremony

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 19:26:00 +0000

If you listen to Opie and Anthony, then I'm sure you heard about or saw this video the other day. It shows a big black dude mugging a 101 year-old lady and knocking her hat off her cotton ball head. Watching the video by itself is kind of sad, but add the commentary by Opie, Ant, and Jimmy, and it is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

It ranks up there with Jack Black drop-kicking Baxter off the bridge in "Anchorman"

and baby Pearl beating the shit out of Will Ferrell with a phone book.

Read This If You Are Dieting

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:55:00 +0000

Top 10 Most Disgusting Candies

Top 10 Disgusting Foods

That was so gross and so helpful. I'll pass on those Snickers.

Someone Has Terrible Judge of Character

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 02:59:00 +0000

This is quite possibly my most favoritest picture ever.

I would love to meet the mother of this baby. What is so goddamn important and urgent that you have run down your whole list of possible babysitters, and the best you can find is Amy Winehouse? There must have been no other person on the planet available to watch your kid. Y'all, Amy Winehouse is a crackhead drunk WITH IMPETIGO ON HER FACE. Impetigo is a contagious bacterial infection, and this baby is mere inches from her face. This picture scares me more than ghosts,

zombie children,

Christina Aguilera's make-up,

Regan from The Exorcist,

primordial dwarfism,

Britney's weave,

Shaq's shoe (and potentially large penis, damn),

and Indian midgets.

However, the more I look at this little guy, the more I fall in love with him. I want to dress him in a tuxedo, put some pomade in his hair with a deep side part, and make him tap dance on my coffee table for my amusement. That's fucking precious.

Anyway, my point is that I thought it was a given that you don't leave your kid with someone who is in the middle of doing a shot and someone who has an infectious skin disease. But some people need everything explained to them I guess.

Another Insightful and Productive Day With Gary

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 15:55:00 +0000

Oh yay. We had an assignment change at work, and guess who I get to train and work with? It's my favorite person ever: GARY!!!

I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF!!

I was in such a good mood only to have it ruined by a 6'4" douche in navy blue twill slacks that are about 6 inches too short,

black socks, orthopedic shoes,

and a blue plaid shirt.

That's all he ever wears. Oh, and glasses that slide down to the end of his nose that I just want to snatch off his face and crush with my shoe. It's never anything different, and it's gotten to the point where I can't even look at him anymore without wanting to slit my wrists. But at least he got a haircut. The next thing that needs to go is that awful Ditka mustache.

I had to move seats to get him out of my field of vision, as I know I would just become more enraged by looking at those stupid pants. Gary, I hate your pants so much.

What you need to know about Gary is that he thinks he is the most funny, charming man alive, and he constantly feels the need to fill silences in the room with corny jokes that everyone is forced to laugh politely at. I thought maybe this day would be different since it's already 9 am, and he hasn't made a complete jackass out of himself.

I was wrong.

From about 9:30 am to around lunch time there was a massive carpet bombing of bad jokes, puns, and retarded, vapid, and useless questions and comments. Oh, he was saving it for us! It started with him staring at a projector and singing "She blinded me with science!" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?! I physically cringed and put my head down on my desk as my co-worker Nikki and I looked at each with looks of complete disgust on our faces. Nikki told him to shut the hell up and sit down. Nikki doesn't mince words. I love her.

After my nausea passed from the projector incident, we had to do this training class. I was having trouble logging in and after a minute or so, I figured out my number lock key wasn't on.

A normal person would just move on, but not funny, witty Gary who had to launch into an argument against the existance of a number lock key. Oh Gary, I just love your observational humor on keyboard keys. Please, I want to hear your three point essay on why they should eliminate the number lock key because you feel it's useless and pointless much like your existence. By all means, continue, fucktard.

So Gary rambles on another 10 minutes about the number lock key until it was time for my lunch break. I had to get out of that room. It was sucking the life out of me, and if I heard any more nonsense from that asshole, my brain was going to explode. I go back to my desk ON ANOTHER FLOOR and this motherfucker follows me and keeps babbling in my ear about something. By this time, I'm starting to get pretty good at just blocking him out like a bad molestation memory. He's there in front of me saying stuff, but I just nod politely and say "oh, yeah?" or "really?" every once in a while. He's so into his own voice and what he's saying that he doesn't even notice.

So I'm sitting and looking out the window trying to eat my lunch and plot my way out of this hellhole before I snap even though I've completely lost my appetite. Dummy asks me, "Would you rather fall to your death, die from smoke inhalation, or be burned to death?" We are on the 28th floor, so that question kind of unnerved me, but I think I told him I'd rather pass out from smoke inhalation and die. What I really wanted to tell him was that I would totally piggy-back ride him down and use him to break my fall and possibly live. Maybe his stupid plaid shirts would offer some wind resistance. Who the hell knows?

I can tell this isn't going to end well. One of us is going to walk out, end up in tears, or have a nervous breakdown. I think I'm heading for the latter. Why am I here?

Kenton Stufflebeam

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 20:42:00 +0000

Kenton Stufflebeam is an asshole. He's 11, but he's a fucking nudge know-it-all douche. I hate him.

It seems the Stufflebeams took a vacation to Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of Natural History, and li'l Kenton noticed that the musuem mistakenly identified the Precambrian period as an era. He and his dad filled out a comment card at the information desk to notify them of this grave error that needs the museum's full and immediate attention. I would love to be alone in a room with these two for 5-10 minutes. I think that would be enough time to strangle them with my bare hands and get a few kidney punches in. I want to make them cry.

Kenton Stufflebeam is one of those smug motherfuckers always going around correcting your pronunciation and grammar or asking you if you know stupid facts no one really gives a shit about but make him feel like he's the smartest boy alive because he knows them, and YOU DON'T! This kid is going to grow up to be just like my co-woker Gary and live in a world of boredom, suck, and abstinence.

I imagine Kenton Stufflebeam is the inspiration for Kyle Schwartz,

and he's one of those kids that is allergic to everything and will die if he comes within a 6 mile radius of a peanut and won't stop asking you dumb questions about dinosaurs and cartoons and shit.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE TROODONTIDS WERE THE SMARTEST DINOSAURS ALIVE?
No, I didn't.

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN TELL A DINOSAUR'S AGE BY COUNTING THE RINGS ON THEIR BONES LIKE A TREE?
Didn't know it, still don't care.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE TAILS OF SOME DINOSAURS COULD BE USEFUL IN ATTAINING A TRIPOD STANCE, WHICH WAS PROBABLY USED TO FORAGE VERY TALL VEGETATION AND FOR MATING?
They used their tails for mating? That's one subject you will never, ever know anything about.

DID YOU KNOW A T.REX HAD SHARP, POINTED TEETH USED FOR TEARING FLESH AND/OR CRUSHING BONES?
Yes, retard. Everyone knows that.

DID YOU KNOW THE DINOSAURS WERE KILLED BY AN ASTEROID THAT STRUCK THE EARTH 65 MILLION YEARS AGO?
I wish another one would hit us now. I would happily sacrifice my life and those of my friends and family just to get you off this planet and to end this one-way convo immediately.

MY FAVORITE CARTOON IS TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. WHAT'S YOUR'S?
My favorite cartoon is one that I created myself about the murder of a douchy family who can't just chill out and enjoy a nice museum exhibit. There's lots of pain and blood.

Get ahold of yourself, Stufflebeam. You need to relax or high school is going to blow donkey cock, and you'll die a virgin.

Creepy Fucks

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 23:46:00 +0000

So I read today that this chick named Natasha Collins, who was the star of some British children's TV show called "See It, Saw It" accidentally killed herself when she OD'd on coke while sitting in a tub of scalding water which burned over 60% of her body.

Genius. I'd be on coke 24/7 too if I had to wear that jackass ensemble the color of a McDonald's bathroom and a unitard that creates a constant concern for cameltoe.

I've always found these children's TV show host incredibly creepy. What grown man or woman really aspires to run around in ridiculous costumes, reciting dialog for 3 year-olds, and expressing only fake happiness and excitement all day? No wonder they turn to drugs, sexual deviance, suicide, and even homicide. This whole double life thing is fascinating.

I'll start with Pee Wee Herman.

I think he's the most harmless. Yeah, Pee Wee's a little kinky. Sure he had the kid's show (which I loved when I was little), but his stand-up/stage act did have some sexual material in it. It was no surprise to me that he loves his porn, but who doesn't? However, he likes to jerk off in movie theaters which is technically against the law, but it was a porno movie theater for godssakes. If you go to see a porno in public, you know why you're there, you know why everyone else is there. What's the big deal if you wack off in the theater? Just watch the porn, jerk it, avoid eye contact, and go about your business. At least he wasn't watching Lilo & Stitch sitting beside li'l Timmy just crankin' it.

I also watched Mr. Rogers when I was a kid,

but there was also something unnerving about this guy. Maybe it was a combination of the Salad Fingers voice, the weird puppets, helmet hair, and the cardigan fetish. I've never seen a man with so many cardigans in such an assortment of colors. I always enjoyed seeing what color cardigan he would wear each day. Anyway, I always thought Mr. Rogers was one bad day away from snapping and going on a killing spree.

And then there's Steve from Blues Clues. I actually think Steve is a pretty normal guy and realizes what a massive FAIL his career has become. Look at this face:

He's smiling, but you can tell he's just dead inside when you look in his eyes. He doesn't want to be a dopey kid show host. He had dreams of being an actor or something. Now he has to go to work everyday in an unflattering striped shirt with khaki pants and talk to a blue cartoon dog that isn't even real so he has to talk to a green screen and a camera all day. Jesus. How do these people do it? Anyway, I think he quit the show and was replaced by this douche:

Underneath the pancake make-up, mismatched undereye concealer, and the purple sweater you know there's a world of hurt inside that noggin. I can't wait for this breakdown. I'm guessing he has a hankering for tranny whores, gay orgies, glittery eye make-up, and a bad case of OCD. And what happened to his cock and balls in that picture? I think someone actually took the time to photoshop them out. How immasculating.

Oooh, this is a good one! Remember the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? Well, Skylar Deleon (ew,how ghey) played bit parts on the show when it was on the air in the '90s, and here's his mugshot:

Guess what he did!?!?!

Oh, he and his wife just tied an elderly couple to an anchor on their yacht and THREW THEM OVERBOARD WHILE THEY WERE STILL ALIVE in order to hijack said yacht. He is also accused in the second case of luring a man to Mexico in December of 2003, slitting his throat, and leaving the body by the side of a road. Nice job nutcase.

I love these psychos so much. I'm sure I'm overlooking a few other messes, but I'm really looking forward to the next meltdown.

More Mugshot Mania

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 11:51:00 +0000

Beavis? Is that you? I miss you and The Great Cornholio. You have enough TP? If you need some, let me know. How's Butthead? Is he still smacking you around? There are places you can go for that, you know.

O hai, ladies. You knows you want some of this white chocolates. Mmmm hmm. You like my pose? It says, "I'm thingle and ready to mingles. Heeyyy." Wigger jackass. Die.

These two assholes got caught huffing paint in hardware stores. Their pictures should be printed on paint cans with the warning that huffing paint will give you a receding hairline, a permanent look of stupidity, a spraypaint goatee, and a case of the dead eyes.

This idiot looks like she just got back from a gang rape or Britney Spears's wedding. Probably the latter. "Jamie Lynn took the last chicken fanger, and I's was hungry y'all."

You know what I hate about the South and just being southern in general? ASSHOLES LIKE THESE:

Why anyone would get a played out catch phrase created by some fake-ass hack comedian tattooed anywhere on their body MUCH LESS ON THEIR FUCKING FOREHEAD is beyond me. This motherfucker should be locked up forever for his own good. He is far too dumb to be in society. And keep his son in there with him to avoid further contamination of the gene pool. I completely understand the pro-eugenics movement now.

Nothing enrages me more than ugly chicks with the sassy message t-shirts like the ones below. You're not a "hottie", you never have been, you never, ever, ever will be. Also, the only party you ever attended is the one in your head with your pretend friends and/or your cat's birthday party. I'm telling you all, eugenics is the answer.

Psssst. Hey! You forgot something. No, your hair looks fine. No, no, no the make-up is okay. Umm, YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT YOU DUMB WHORE!! Jesus Christ.

This is what I picture Earl's grandmother looking like in heaven while having a three-way with Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings. And blowing Strom Thurmond.

If my puppy, Twinkie, existed in human form and was a woman, I think he would look like this:

Just a blank, stupid, open mouth stare with absolutely nothing going on behind those eyes. I just picture a tiny hamster running on a wheel to keep the broken rusty brain gears going. It's just a matter of time before the hamster collapses from a heart attack or the gears pop off and fall to the floor.

I really hate most people.

More Fun With Science Fair Pictures

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 11:49:00 +0000

Oh how I love this kid. He looks like a total smartass. I can see it in his face that he fucking loves this project. He probably looks up the words "sphincter" and "anus" in the encyclopedia and looks at the pictures and giggles uncontrollably. You can just see the shit fetish forming in his mind. He loves his little bowl of shit and his shit volcano but resents the fact that he has to wear goggles because it ruins his connection with the shit. And looking at the pictures on his project, I understand Mr. Hanky, the chocolate starfish, and the brown eye, but what's with the Mr. Bojangles and Alexander Graham Bell pictures? Fucking weirdo. I'd definitely award him first place.

Look how cute he is! He has a shit volcano too!

Ok, this just scares me. Come play with us and our bowl JennJenn.

No!

I will give you honorable mention if you get any closer to me. And no one wants that boring white ribbon.

OK, this one's fake but is completely relevant to the scientific community and should be studied. Do it for the kids.

If I knew we could create Barbie death machines as a science project, I so would have done that. I had so many when I was little. I remember I used to have a red Barbie convertible and play "Car Crash Ken". My brother would always take my Ken doll or my Jordan Knight doll and rip one leg off or cut Jordan's rat tail off and hide their clothes. Sometimes I would take their heads off but lots of times I couldn't get them back on just right so they would pop off at random and inappropriate times. I would just have Barbie driving a naked, crippled, headless Ken everywhere. So, I would play car crash and push the car into the drainage ditch by my house. I was really into making the Barbie convertible go as fast as possible by running and pushing it on the ground then watch it sail into the ditch. It was just a flash of red then blonde Barbie hair flying through the air. It was hysterical. But one time, the ditch was filled with water (I was too dumb to even check first) and heard a splash instead of a thud when the car flew into the ditch. I ran to get my stupid dolls and my stupid car. All I could rescue was the car and the dolls except Ken's head popped off and floated into the culvert never to be seen again. So it would just be a naked, one-legged, beheaded Ken in the passenger seat. And since she totally resented that burden for having to drive his ass everywhere, I'd make Barbie kick Ken out of the car onto the road with her Barbie legs and just leave a that useless torso in the road to get run over by a car or carried off by the cat. It was so much fun.

I also invented a game called "Spaceship Crash" in which I would get my dad's hammer and nail Barbie to a frisbee and throw it in the road and wait for a car to come by and flatten the shit out of it. If I really wanted a laugh, I would run over it with my bike. An inefficient and painful death machine, but still an original one I think. I highly doubt Mattel even dreamed a kid would abuse these dolls in such a way.

I want so bad to go back and do all my science fair projects over again. But this time involve some combination of death and crap.

Summer Scents and Bobbie Brown

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 03:35:00 +0000

I hardly ever go to the mall, but I went today because I was so bored and wanted to check out the summer beauty and fragrance collections. I found some amazing stuff that I have to tell you about, and these are all new brands I am trying for the first time which is very exciting.

My first stop was the perfume counter, of course, and I have found my summer scents.

The first is Nina by Nina Ricci. I comes in an adorable apple bottle and is the perfect fruity/floral. When I first spritzed it on I smelled the citrusy top note of Calabrian lemon and Caipirinha lime drying down into my favorite notes of vanilla, toffee apple, and praline mixed with peony and moonflower (it sounds odd, but I promise it works. It smells amazing.). Finally, the base notes of applewood, white cedar, and musk appear and combine with the apple and florals making a unique and beautiful scent perfect for summer nights.

But I think I love Prada's Infusion D'Iris even more. It's an incredibly soft, cool fragrance with notes of mandarin, orange blossom, galbanum, iris, incense, benzoin, cedar, lentisc and vetiver. It reminds me of one of my Guerlain favorites, L'Instant. I was very surprised that I liked this scent since I'm not really into the masculine vetiver or any aldehydic scents. But these completely disappeared on the dry-down leaving the iris, orange blossom, incense, and cedar notes. It also has a faint powdery smell, but nothing too strong. The notes mix perfectly into a beautiful fragrance. This is definitely one I'll be wearing all summer.

I also bought some Bobbie Brown products. I've heard lots of good things about this line, and I can't believe I've never tried anything of hers until now.

The saleslady totally sold me on the foundation and moisturizer. I have combination skin with it oily in some areas and really dry in others. She applied the Hydrating Face Cream and the Luminous Moisturizing Foundation in Porcelain which made my skin incredibly soft and my skin tone completely even. I am in love with these! I also decided to try the cult classic Shimmer Brick (a blush/highlighter) in Rose, the Creamy Eye Pencil in Smoke, and the Glitter Lip Gloss in Naked, and I am very impressed. The eyeliner goes on very smoothly - no dragging & very smudgeable. The gloss is long-lasting, just like a MAC gloss, and very beautiful. And the Shimmer Brick deposits just the right amount of color and shimmer. Bobbie Brown appears to be a very high quality brand, and I recommend it to anyone.

I'll be posting more product reviews as soon as I get my orders in. <3 Jenn

Goodbye, Twinkers, My Love

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 23:23:00 +0000

So...I finally had to get rid of Twinkie, one of my little angels. I love him, but it's just not working out in this new apartment. I gave him to my aunt who I know will love him and take care of him, so I feel good about that. Sugar Bear just couldn't handle Twinkie's constant need to hump him as well as his habit of resting his balls on his face.

But I will miss you my Twinkers. We had some good times together. I loved the way you looked at me with complete stupidity and cluelessness,

and I will miss the way your tounge hung out the side of your mouth like the oversized tounge of a child with Down's Syndrome. I loved your fascination with lying on/next to my feet.

And I loved the way you provided me and my friends with hours of drunken entertainment. One has not truly experienced hilarity until they have seen you jump in a circle on your hind legs just to get a stupid Twizzler. God, you are dumb. But I love you.

However, it wasn't all shits and giggles. We had our trying times. Like the time you chewed up my favorite Coach bag, and then tried to go for my Prada. I am sorry for throwing said bag at you as I am sure the buckle hurt pretty bad, but you cannot comprehend how awesome these bags are. And then all of the pairs of shoes you ruined! I wish you could talk to me and tell me WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CHEW UP JUST ONE FUCKING SHOE AND LEAVE THE OTHER ONE THERE FOR ME TO JUST LOOK AT AND WANT TO WEAR BUT CAN'T?!?! FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK! It was pure torture.

Twinkie, I hope you love your new home in Mississippi. Be nice to Ricky Bobby,

don't fuck with his Cool Ranch Doritos, and try not to hump him too. He is very nice. Stay off highway, listen to Amanda, and dodge Uncle Ricky's beer bottles the best you can, as we all do.

Love,
Mommy

P.S. Sugar Bear wants me to tell you to die in a fire. He is still pissed about the attempted rape. That's not very nice. I'm sorry.

Oh C.J., How I Love You

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 01:49:00 +0000

I have found my new most favorite person in the world aside from my soul mate Shannon from Planet Unicorn (heeeyyyyy)

This is CJ, and he is amazing. I can honestly say I've never seen a person eat a cotton ball on purpose as well as someone run like a retarded seven-year old girl. Maybe it's the girl jeans that prevent him from bending his knee joints. Who knows. It's hilariously stupid anyway.

I guess C.J. is supposed to be "emo", but he's too happy and weird to be emo. Yeah, he's got the black nail polish and wears girl clothes. But he has a penchant for wearing 80s headgear, making stupid faces, and drawing stick figures (which are just awful, by the way. I'm starting to think something's wrong with him. Mild retardation or an underdeveloped right brain perhaps? His drawings look like he stuck a magic marker in his asshole and created a lovely ass mural all over his tiny bedroom.) That's not very emo.

I think my favorite part was the end where the bull dyke gym teacher mom tried to get him to man up with some wrestling lessons, and he says crawling around with men doesn't make him feel more like a man. FACE! And I agree, C.J. If you want your questionably gay son to stop acting like a flaming homo, DON'T MAKE HIM ROLL AROUND HALF NAKED WITH OTHER MEN ON A GYM FLOOR, DUMBASS! JESUS CHRIST!

And he reminds me of Rusty from MadTV, and for that, I love him even more.

The Most Time Consuming Way To Kill Yourself

noreply@blogger.com (JennJenn) — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:47:00 +0000

An 81-year old man in Austrailia built a suicide robot from instructions off the internet to kill himself. I shit you not.

I want a suicide robot. Only I wouldn't kill myself. I would strategically place it in areas frequented by douchebags and assholes, aim, press the suicide button, and watch the hilarity ensue. And my God, I have so many questions!

1. Why would anyone go through the trouble to buy a gun only to build a robot to kill you with that same gun. Couldn't we just cut out the middleman (middlerobot?), grow some balls, and just pull the trigger yourself?

2. How does an 81-year old man know how to use the internets let alone download blueprints for his suicide robot and put this crap together? My Papaw is 70, and I had to show him how to retreive his voicemails on his cell. I had to do this about 4 times. But my Papaw also wears Hawaiian shirts

& shorts with black socks

and orthopedic shoes

and is a total narcoleptic.

I guess he spends his days creating ensembles that are abominations to the fashion gods and falling asleep in his lunch. He has no time for technology. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I do admire his ability to fall asleep anytime, anywhere. I still can't fall asleep after taking four Tylenol PMs. Lucky son of a bitch.

3. This guy set his robot up in his driveway at about 7 a.m. on a weekday and he shot himself via suicide robot. Please tell me he lives near a school bus stop.

4. I would like to know if you can program this thing to say Schwarzenegger or Dirty Harry lines right before it kills you so you can at least go out with a laugh.

5. Finally, how could his family not be aware that their 81 year-old relative was building a robot? Wouldn't they find this strange? Even if they were unaware it was a suicide robot? Didn't they notice like robot arms and feet everywhere or maybe even a robot head with some wires and circuits and shit all over the house and think it was a tad abnormal? That didn't raise any red flags?

If my family was this dumb, I would kill myself too.