Glossip With JennJenn

2008-08-12T20:36:00.016-06:00

So...I was watching one of my favorite movies, "Out of Sight", the one with Clooney & J.Lo. It's not only a cool, original story with amazing cinematography and direction, but it has, in my opinion, the absolute hottest scene ever put on film:

That is one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. It's a typical Steven Soderbergh movie with the freeze framing, the amazing lighting and music, the out of sequence frames all which created this amazingly hot love scene. It's so intimate and intense, but there's no nudity or graphic sex. It's two people who aren't supposed to be together (she's an FBI agent and he's a prison escapee for fuck's sake), but the attraction is so incredibly strong that you know it's going to happen...and it's going to be fuckin' awesome! I like the flirtatious convo with all the eye contact, but the best is the small gestures the characters make. Like the brush of the thigh, Jack taking the drink from Karen to hold her hand, the slow dance, and then the first kiss which seems to take forever and is made even sexier with the freeze frame effect and Jack and Karen silhouetted. By this time they're full on making out, I've been holding my breath for like 5 minutes. It's so intense! My favorite of all time.

Now, the trunk scene from "Out of Sight" is pretty good. However, it doesn't hold a candle to the bar scene. And Jack seems to have an affinity for Karen's thigh, and I can't blame him. He's always touching her! But I like the uncomfortable closeness in this scene. The too long stares Jack does. And how Karen so obviously wants him too, but can't show it. Again, INTENSE!

Another one of my favorites is "Unfaithful" with the incredibly talented Diane Lane, Olivier Martinez, & Richard Gere. This movie is about a bored, wealthy housewife who begins an affair with an exotic book store owner, Olivier Martinez. Eventually, her husband played by Richard Gere finds out which begins a series of tragic events ending in death and lies. The sex scenes in this movie aren't AT ALL subtle especially compared to "Out of Sight" and do not leave anything to the imagination. They're pure passion and fuckin'...equally awesome! Diane Lane is so brilliant in this. You can physically see her mental torture and being torn apart inside. We've all made the choice of whether to sucuumb to temptation - to something every part of your being wants but your conscious knows is wrong. And then make the choice to give in and FUCKING LOVE IT! And the part where book guy takes off her shoes and panties? Holy Christ, hotness. Also, Richard Gere's character gets oddly hot at the end. In the beginning of the movie, he's so boring. By the end, jealousy and anger take over and he commits a truly horrific act to, in his mind, save his marriage and keep his wife. There's something frighteningly hot about having someone love you that much - bordering on unhealthy obsession. So, if you love to mentally torture yourself and love hot sex, this is your movie, motherfucker.

DIANA LANE SEX SCENE- UNFAITHFUL - Funny bloopers R us

Now, this next scene isn't really a "sex" scene as much as a "sexy" scene. It's Salma Hayak's striptease in "From Dusk Til Dawn" as the evil vampire Santanico Pandemonium. She has the most amazing bodies and moves I've ever seen. Tarantino also picked the perfect music to go with this too - a Mexican mariachi band playing a sexy slow song. I really want to learn that whole lick the beer off my leg thing. The hottest part of this whole striptease is when Hayak takes off the headdress and starts swinging her hair around as fire erupts in the background as she does this little hip shimmy thing. Hayak is disgustingly sexy and as Clooney says here, "Now that's what I call a fucking show!"

The rollercoaster scene in "Fear" is really hot too. Again, with the whole obssessive/passionate affair. Who wouldn't want to be finger-popped by their psychotic but sensitive boyfriend on a carnival ride? I know I would love it. But I'm a sick fuck. Watch this! It's so exhilirating!

Now, "Secretary" was one of those movies people really liked or just didn't get. I love movies that give me a weird mind fuck and challenge my thoughts of what is morally and sexually decent. One of the issues I had with this movie was if a)is this chick played by Maggie Gyllenhaal retarded or just socially awkward or b)is James Spaders's character just being mean? I really think she's just really weird and bored and obviously a complete pushover. And Spader's character totally takes advantage of it. I guess it's a perfect dominant/submissive love story. And who doesn't deserve/love a good swat on the ass every once in a while? Fun for the whole family!

Finally, Mr. Matt Damon convinces me he's not a goofy asexual in "The Bourne Identity"! Oh, man this make out scene is intense. His character and his girl are trying to outrun the FBI and have to disguise themselves in a yucky hotel room. He cuts her hair for her and make this connection ending in hot makeoutz. I just love this one because it's such a turn on for a guy to primp and pamper me like that. Like brushing my hair or doing my nails. It's so sweet and intimate. And I would SO makeout with you Bourne Identity-style.

WaxFantastic.com!!!!!

2008-08-04T19:05:00.006-06:00

Well, here it is!

www.waxfantastic.com

It's the podcast Rick, Eddie, and I have been working on! If you haven't heard it on Paltalk you can sign up on the waxfantastic.com site and download past episodes as well as our indiviual blogs. Please visit. You'll love it. Tell us what you think!

<333333 Jenn

WAX FANTASTIC!!!!

2008-07-28T06:02:00.005-06:00

Hai Pumpkins <3...Well, as you've noticed, I haven't updated the site in a while. Not that I don't love it, but it's just that I've been posting blogs on my myspace working on an exciting, awesome new project! It's the "Wax Fantastic" podcast with Friends Rick & Eddie! We will create a website for a new blogs from me and the guys as well as a page to listen to our podcasts. We also play the week's podcast Mondays from 9pm - 11pm (Eastern time) in The Opie Fan Room on Paltalk if you want to join us there. Love you guys!

MySpace Blogs

2008-06-07T12:24:00.001-06:00

I have some new blogs up on my myspace page. Click here to read them! <3

Glossip Times!

2008-05-29T10:12:00.002-06:00

Hi y'all! Sorry it's been awhile since my last post. I've written a few blogs on my myspace if you haven't seen those already. Be sure to check there if I haven't updated for a while. Anyway, here's some of my commentary on some recent entertainment stories. Glossip FTW!

Singer Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz from the band "Fallout Boy" (ew) got married last weekend. And it was also revealed that they are expecting a baby. Awww, what a lucky little baby...wow, think of all the talent you will inherit....oh wait, your mom is only famous because your stupid, vapid aunt doesn't know what tuna fish is made out of even though it is clearly stated in the name, and your daddy can sport eyeliner like an experienced drag queen and has awful emo hair for which he should be executed. Yeah, I wouldn't count on the talent thing.

If worse comes to worse, you can always go to college to be a doctor, lawyer, or a successful businesswoman. But if God hates you and you get the IQ of your Aunt Jessica, Wal-Mart and IHOP are always hiring! And when Grandpa Joe starts talking about your boobs, it's time to hit the bricks before you get sucked into your family's weird, incestuous clusterfuck of lies, lip-syncing, embarrassment, stupidity, & failure. I can honestly say you would be better off being raised by a retarded chimp, a wooden pickle, and a shoe. But good luck, little fella!

Ooooh, John Mayer & Jennifer Aniston were spotted making out in a hotel pool and have since been seen together around New York. It looks like romance! I kind of like John Mayer. His music is kind of boring, but he's a pretty funny guy. So, what would he want with a weepy, rotten-wombed, annoying, yenta with the sex appeal of a foot? I don't get it. Can you imagine the sex? Just her nonstop whining and laying there on her back bitching, "Are you done yet? Ouch, you're on my hair! But I don't like to be on top." OH MY GOD I WOULD SMUSH HER FACE IN A PILLOW TO DROWN OUT THE WHINING TIL I WAS DONE. I SO couldn't be a guy. I'd end up in jail for domestic battery or possibly second degree murder. Annoying, whiny, frigid bitches are the worst. GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, MAYER, AND GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.

Carmen Electra is coming out with some new striptease workout DVDs, "Vegas Strip" and "In the Bedroom", and is also releasing her new product in addition to the DVDs: the portable stripper pole. I'm not getting a good feeling with this. This product is going to be the downfall of Carmen's career. It's all going to end badly. The portable stripper pole is only going to bring her lawsuits from bored housewives who received spinal cord, back, and head injuries while trying to do "the helicopter" for their sexually frustrated, disinterested husbands who are already getting handies on the side from a real stripper/prostitute. I predict Better Business Bureau complaints, multiple class action lawsuits, , and neverending trial coverage on CourtTV and Nancy Grace.

I also fear Carmen Electra's stripper will set off Armageddon & bring about the downfall of civilization. If this stripper pole is portable, and you are allowed to bring it on planes, it can easily be used as a weapon used to crack some serious skull like The Bride in Kill Bill, impale people, or kill people with some other god-awful method. Terrorists are psychotic, but resourceful, so I'm sure they could develop some insane ways to kill with the Carmen Electra Portable Stripping Pole. All I can imagine is mass shipments of stripper poles to caves in Tora Bora and Al-Qaeda training camps, and terrorists being trained to use them on mountain goats or some dude sentenced to death for looking at a woman's knuckle in order to launch a large-scale 9/11-style attack on the world. IF YOU START SELLING THIS PRODUCT, CARMEN, THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON! DON'T DO IT & SAVE THE WORLD!

So, guess who got her own reality show? It's Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan's mom. Cameras will be following Dina and her youngest child, Ali, as she manages Ali's career and showing her just being a regl'r mom. SEE! CELEBRITIES ARE JUST LIKE US!

God help us. Now instead of just her kids, the whole world can witness her lack of parenting skills and an inside look at the glamorous life of a mediocre stage mom! Exciting topics that will be addressed include:

how to achieve your own career aspirations vicariously through your 10-year-old
how to party like you're 19 again
how to tell your kids daddy is going to prison
how to get that fabulous, orange, fake bake tan
how to enable your child's drug habit
how to get your underage child alcohol and get away with it cuz you're famous
how to lie to the media with a straight face
how to psychologically manipulate your child and fuck her up forever
how to be your child's best friend because parenting is overrated anyways

This family's trainwreck of a story is going to end so much better than Britney's. The Lohan Express isn't just going to derail! NO, it's going to careen through a brick wall at 200 miles an hour, fly off a cliff, roll end over end for a few miles, slide to a grinding halt, catch on fire with all passengers on board burning alive, explode, then kill a few more people with flying shrapnel, release toxic chemicals into the air from the fire, evacuate several towns in a 300 mile radius, kill all plant and animal life in said area creating a permanently contaminated Chernobyl-like dead zone complete with soil and groundwater contamination, chromosomal abnormalities, and birth defects for years to come. I'm talking arms growing out of foreheads and thumbs on elbows freaky shit. You get the picture. I don't know about you, but I can't fucking wait!

18-year-old Rob Knox died early Saturday morning after being shivved outside a bar in southwest London when he tried to defend his little brother over a missing cell phone. Knox was to play Ravenclaw student Marcus Belby in "Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince" which is slated for release in November. You know what? Fuck Harry Potter and his wizardry. WHILE YOUR FRIEND IS BEING SHANKED IN A BAR, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? SIPPING YOUR NON-ALCOHOLIC DAQUIRI WITH YOUR BOWL CUT , YOU NUTLESS BOY-WIZARD? HOW ABOUT WAVE THAT FAGGOTY WAND AROUND OR SPRINKLE SOME PIXIE DUST OVER HIS WOUND YOU DOUCHE? FUCK HARRY POTTER IN HIS FUCKING ASS! I HATE THAT BESPECTACLED FAGGOT!

Ok, I'm completely disgusted with celebrities now, so this is gonna end right now. Love u guys!

My New Obsession

2008-05-14T05:46:00.015-06:00

I was so happy when I saw that Sgt. Caroline Mason

was named Dlisted.com's Hot Slut of the Week. I am so proud of her! Sgt. Caroline Mason is my favorite person in the world right now, and she's on my most favorite show, "The First 48". This is a reality show on A&E following homicide detectives in cities all over the country as they try to solve murder cases, and Ms. Caroline is one of the homicide detectives from Memphis that the show follows. She is the cutest thing ever, and is not only a sassy, ghetto fabulous bitch, but a damn good cop who can get a confession from the hardest gangbanger and reduce him to to tears. I LOVE HER!

via Dotspotter

The thing I love most about Sgt. Mason is her ability hunt down a murderer all while looking glam & fabulous. I want to be just like her. I think we would make the best partners ever! And Sugar Bear could be in the K-9 Unit and be our attack dog/mascot. Sugar Bear is really protective of me and will not hesitate to bite your ankles if you try to touch me, my jewelry, or most importantly, my Louis Vuitton. I also think we need a rookie for assistance, preferably a gay one

who is skilled with a Bedazzler

to adorn our walkie-talkies, guns, badges, and our awesome squad car

with sparkles, glitter, and stickers. And he has to love puppies because Sugar Bear needs to be brushed, cuddled, and fed chicken nuggets while Mommy and Auntie Caroline are coercing a confession from the bad guys using only our wit, charm, and occasionally, a phone book and/or a threat of a spike heel on the ol' ball bag. Our rookie should also have an extensive knowledge of the Destiny's Child, Whitney Houston, & Salt-N-Pepa music catalogs as we will need empowering theme music for situations we encounter throughout the day. And she SO has to teach me the gangsta lean:

So, what have I learned from my idol?

Trendy ensembles + fabulous hair + street smartz - sensible shoes = most awesome detective ever!

Horror Movie Extravaganza Marathon Weekend Blowout Spectacular

2008-05-10T02:18:00.007-06:00

So...

some girl ran a stop sign and hit me totaling my car, and I'm bored and depressed. All I've done this weekend is lay on my couch and watch scary movies and eat delicious Cap'n Crunch. I miss my car. I love my car. I want it back. My rental car blows. To my little G6, I will never forget you. I will make sure to visit you at Co-Part Salvage Yard at least once a week until you are turned into scrap metal. I will bring you cans of motor oil, little pine tree air fresheners, and other trinkets of that sort to place on your "grave".

In Memoriam
JennJenn's Sweet Ride
Sometime in 2006 - May 4, 2008

Anyway, here's a list of movies I watched this weekend & loved:

The Orphanage - This was such a good movie. It's in Spanish, so it has subtitles which sucked, but the story was awesome. This woman named Laura returns to the orphanage where she is raised in hopes of turning it into a home for retards. How touching. Soon, she starts seeing the ghosts of her childhood friends and her son goes missing, and she's convinced the ghosts had something to do with it. The rest of the movie shows Laura trying to contact these dead kids in hopes of finding her son. I loved the bittersweet ending, and little kid ghosts in weird "Eyes Wide Shut"-type masks always = scary.

The Evil Dead - A classic! Five friends go on vacation to a cabin in the woods which are haunted by evil spirits. They find The Book of the Dead, and resurrect these demons who go on to possess some of the characters. There is lots of blood, gore, monsters, and awful acting and dialogue making it one of the best scary movies ever.

Solstice - This was a pretty good one even if it was a lot like Gothika. Dead girl gets revenge on the people that killed her. The only thing not mediocre is the dead girl. She's pretty scary. Everytime I saw her I though I thought about the cover of Anne Rice's book "Merrick"

which always creeped me out.

I Spit On Your Grave - This writer chick rents a house in the middle of nowhere to finish her novel, but instead, she is gangraped and almost killed by 3 hicks and the town retard. So what does she do? Nope, doesn't call the cops. She gets revenge FTW! She methodically lures, traps, and kills her attackers. Make sure to look for the bathtub scene. I LOL'd.

One Missed Call - I really can't remember most of this movie, so i guess it sucked. But the ringtone of the calls in the movie have been stuck in my head for days.

Apocalypto - Holy shit was this awesome. And bloody. It's about a tribe captured for human sacrifices by the Mayans. The movie follows a warrior named Jaguar Paw who is captured and eventually escapes the Mayans to go save his family. And it has the best heart ripping out scene since Indiana Jones.

Teeth - Two words: Vagina Dentata. Google that shit.

The Hitcher - One of the coolest car crash scenes ever set to "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. Th hitcher is one of the most psychopathic killers since the chick in High Tension, Hannibal Lecter, and Prince Valliant haircut guy in No Country for Old Men.

Ugh, I'm just sick over my car. This blows.

The Le-er U

2008-05-08T11:51:00.002-06:00

I love British rockers. Not for their musical talent, of course, but because they are hot messes (Pete Dogherty, I'm talking to you), they are fun drunks, they don't pronounce the "t" in the middle of words, and they have a propensity to fight anyone and everything, even a puppet shaped like the letter (or le-er) "U". My favorite part is the little girl's reaction at the end. Yes, honey, I know. We all feel that way about these clowns.

The Billy Letters

2008-05-04T16:02:00.006-06:00

I found this story on Radar magazine's website, and I'm completely jealous that I didn't come up with this first. Fuck you and your brilliant idea Bill.

Basically, Bill pretended to be a 10 year-old and write famous people like Oprah, Dick Cheney, & Clarence Thomas asking them all kinds of shit from what's their favorite McDonald's breakfast to advice on life. Oh, and he also wrote Charles Manson, Richard Ramirez (the Night Stalker serial killer), Eric Menendez, and the Unabomber asking for their advice. Billy knows how to pick role models. He's going to go far in life.

I think the Charles Manson letters are my favorites only because I can just picture Chaz in his cell twitching away and writing letters full of nonsense and '60s slang, with stupid jive-like syntax that were pretty cool back in the day, but now are just laughable in a sad way.

However, I am disturbed by one thing. He likes to repeat words twice (ex:"win win" and "brok brok" in the last letter) which for someone named JennJenn is pretty scary. Maybe he's just a stutterer. If I ever snap and try to start a race war, please alert the authorities to this correlation, k thx?

And what's up with writing Eric Menendez? If you don't know about the Menendez brothers, they are the rich kids who killed their parents for money back in the '90s. I would've written Lyle because Lyles fascinate me.

What a boring name. It's worse than Kyle. I can't say the name Lyle without doing it condescendingly or without complete disgust in my voice. I think I would as Lyle if he ever knew anyone named Buffy and how he got his mullet to look so awesome in prison. Oh yes, and I'd ask him why he really killed his parents.

I think I was most surprised at the Night Stalker's letters. Richard Ramirez letter sounds like any random convo you would have with one of your high school guy friends. Just chattin' with the Night Stalker about chicks and movies!

What a charming guy!

And that Ted Kacynszki - what a no personality-having motherfucker.

You'd think someone who lived in a one room shack in the boonies for years just building bombs and writing rambling manifestos would have a some sort of imagination. But no, Ted was just all, I don't know you so I can't give you advice, blah, blah, whatever. And when a 10-year old asks you if he should drop out of school, HOW ABOUT A SIMPLE "NO", TED? JESUS.

But I've saved the best for last y'all. Li'l Billy wrote several politicians asking them random, inane shit, but that doesn't matter. What really matters is that they wrote back and SENT AUTOGRAPHED PICTURES FTW! I'm so going to write them just for the smokin' pix. How can you resist that hot piece of ass Alan Greenspan? I want Greenspan completely naked wearing only sock garters holding his black dress socks up while wearing penny loafers while I'm counting his liverspots all over his body. Now that's some hot ass right there.

Or the fucking Terminator? Ooh, what are you going to do with that gun? So, is that part robot or human? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, stupid. I'm going to punch you in the face, and you're going to like it.

Or that sexual chocolate Clarence Thomas? You bang that gavel motherfucker. BANG IT HARD! SHOW ME WHAT'S UNDER THAT ROBE!

OMG Dick Cheney. How I love your horseshoe haircut and child molester glasses. Dick, you are pure sex. We're going to play Drill Sargeant JennJenn, and you're my maggot. Now drop and give me 50, Dick, before I kick your teeth in.

I am going to collect their autographed pictures and create a shrine in my living room. I shall call it "The Wall O' Sex" and make out with their pictures on a daily basis. Thank you, Billy, thank you.

Random Googles and Such

2008-04-24T22:00:00.009-06:00

I'm drunk, and it's time for random googles. When I'm bored I like to google words and such and see what pictures come up in google images. I am a loser. Here we go!

1. "penis,penis,penis"

Oh wow, it's a slug penis. I've been thinking, and there are some animals that you just never think of as having genitals. A slug is one of them. Do jellyfish have penises? What about a sea cucumber? Or lizards or something? I don't know. I'll have to do some research.

2. "prince valiant haircut"

I loved "No Country for Old Men", but I think I would have loved it more if I could've paid more attention to it. Instead, I was fixated on Javier Bardem's amazing prince valiant 'do. It's so symmetrical, and the ends are perfectly curled under. I found it hard to believe a serial killer would take time out of his killing spree to get a blowout or meticulously groom his hair this way. And why that makes me laugh, I don't know. But I could be at a funeral, and if you said "prince valiant haircut" to me, I would laugh like a retard on nitrous and not even feel bad about it.

3. "sugar nuts"

Sugar Nuts is what my brother calls my precious little angel Sugar Bear. At first I was not amused. However, every part of Sugar Bear is sweet, so this nickname really is accurate. Oh, Sugar Nuts, I love your little puppy paws, and I love to kiss your puppy nose.

4. "slutty mcslutterson"

Why is St. Patrick coming up with this? Google images is going to hell. I'll save you a spot asshole.

5. "and such"

I love this picture because it remindes me off Will Ferrell's Jeffrey skit from SNL. Jeffrey was the gay fashion designer that had a cell phone about this size and rode around on a Round-A-Bout scooter and always running into stuff with it. One of his best ever, and I forgot how hilarious Horatio Sanz is:

6. "strawberry muffins FTW!"

I just made some delicious strawberry muffins. They are so good. But I don't know why this stupid Christmas card came up when I googled this phrase. If someone set me this Christmas card, I think I would dismember him, put the body parts in a box, wrap the box with a big ol' bow, affix the card to the box, put on my best Christmas sweater and Santa hat, roll around in some tinsel, go to his mother's house, drop-kick said present into the house when she answered the door, then leave. Point made.

7. "gary is a douche"

I think it's a requirement that all guys named Gary be douches. It's like a birth right or something.

8. "teh ghey"

The mere existence of this car astounds me. There is someone on this planet that made a conscious decision to 1. buy a hatchback, 2. paint the hubcaps yellow, 3. drive it to work with no shame, and 4. paint a sweet racing stripe down the side.

9. "faildozer"

Google images, you just redeemed yourself! This is the most accurate picture of the word "faildozer" I could ever dream of. Ike Barinholtz has it down:

10. "what the fuck is wrong with me?"

Purple socks. Right. Because that completely makes sense. I hate feet.

11. "kill me now"

I call this ensemble "i-have-a-concussion-from-the-last-game-and-now-i-only-wear-polo-shirt-dresses-and-slippers-while-I-drink-my-coffee-and-and-make-out-with-my-football-and-i'm-confused-about-my-sexuality chic. And is this the coach from The Waterboy?

In conclusion, Google is perfect for drunken fun. I <3 the Google.

Hot Make-Up Messes

2008-04-23T21:20:00.008-06:00

I do a lot of blogging about the products I love, so I'm going to do a post about stuff I've bought and tried and really hate. Don't even bother to waste your money on this garbage:

Maybelline Great Lash Mascara: It's highly overrated, gives you spider lashes and gets clumpy. I hate this mascara with a passion. I suggest Benefit's Bad Gal or Dior's Diorshow mascara or really anything with a large, thick brush.

Essie nail polish in Ballet Slippers: A cult favorite especially with celebrity manicurists, but I found this to be way too streaky with one coat, but too much like White-Out with two. If you want a light pink polish, I suggest Essie's Madameoiselle.

NARS Body Glow bronzer: This is a pretty decent bronzer, but really annoying. It's made with Monoi de Tahiti Oil which solidifies at room temperature, so you either have to place it in hot water or in the shower with you before using it which really blows because I always forget to do that. However, it does give you a nice bronze fake tan and smells like the beach - all coconutty and suntan lotion-y. I guess I have mixed feelings on this one.

DuWop's Lip Venom: This is supposed to be a lip plumper, but really it just stings the shit out of your lips and makes them abnormally red. Boooooo.

Benefit's Dr. Feelgood: I just don't get this one, and I can't remember if I bought it or why. You're supposed to put it on before your make up to smooth out texture and minimize pores, but I didn't notice a difference. This product is completely useless.

Laura Mercier Secret Camouflage concealer: I was very disappointed with this one. It's supposed to be the best concealer on the market, but it just wasn't. And it was too orange and wore off fast. Get Benefit's Boi-ing concealer. It's much better.

Chanel's Liquid Eyeshadow: It goes on pretty, shiny, and colorful, but dries down to a powder that creases too much. Another massive disappointment.

Biosilk Hair Products: I used the shampoo, conditioner, and the shine serum but was not impressed. The shampoo and conditioner dried my hair and the shine serum just made it greasy and stringy looking not shiny. I recommend Frederic Fekkai hair products especially the Technician Glaze to make your hair shine and not greasy/stringy.

Prescriptives Flawless Skin Foundation: For a company that publicizes that they custom mix your foundation for you, they sure do suck at it. The girl that did mine made mine too pink, and the product itself is chalky with little to no coverage. Lame.

My Dream Has Come True

2008-04-22T11:48:00.010-06:00

We finally have a Sephora in Little Rock. It's about goddamn time.

I went on a little spree after I got my hair done Saturday (I'm brunette now, y'all) and got some great stuff.

I'll start with bath & body. Philosophy is one of my favorite cosmetic brands ever. I picked up a bottle of Bubbly, the new body wash/shampoo/bubble bath combo thingy that smells like champagne with a hint of citrus. I could sniff it all day. I also picked up a new bottles of Falling in Love which contains notes of vanilla, jasmine, lily of the valley, musk, blackberry and Amazing Grace which is a feminine blend of soft, floral blossoms accented by a hint of light musk. It's one of my favorites. And I bought a bottle of Clean which has notes of green wildberry (whatever the fuck that is), night jasmine, Calabrian bergamot, sweet orange, grapefruit, lime, neroli, and rose Damascenia with middle notes of violet, English lavender, geranium-heliotrope with a white musk base. It's perfect for summer - very light and very fresh. I also picked up a jar of Sephora brand body butter in Citrus Sage. It's perfect for layering with the Clean fragrance or even Amazing Grace, and it moisturizes very well. I'm really impressed.

As for make-up, I got several products from the Stila line. I got a bottle of the All Over Shimmer Liquid Luminizer which I mix with my foundation to make me all glowy. I also bought a compact of the Convertible Color cream blush/lipstick in Lillium. It's a nice dusty rose color, and looks great with my new hair. I also bought a tube of the Lip Glaze in Vanilla which is a pearly nude color. It's very glossy and goes with anything. One of my other favorite brands is Benefit. I bought the Boi-ing concealer in 01 and an Eye Bright pencil. Eye Bright is an amazing product. Use it on your browbone to highlight and in the inner corners of your eyes to instantly brighten your eyes. It really makes a difference, especially if your eyes look tired a lot. The tin of lip gloss in the bottom left corner is Machu Picchu Lip Gloss Duo by CARGO. One color is a shimmery gold and the other is a goldish pink shimmer gloss. You can wear them alone or mix them. Next, I picked up Tinted Mineral Veil which is a facial luminizer and some eyeshadow in Passionate Plum which is a medium purple color. I am so in love with purple eyeshadow. It looks great on anyone if it's applied right. Finally, I got some new nail polish. I got Essie's Wild Thing which is a deep fuschia with flecks of glitter and OPI's Siberian Nights, a deep, glossy purple color.

Gorgeous!

Between Two Ferns

2008-04-21T06:04:00.002-06:00

Zach Galifianakis is a genius. I love him so much. Here is his new video of his talk show called "Between Two Ferns" in which he does an interview with Jimmy Kimmel. This is exactly how I would do a talk show. Just me, a 40, taking off my socks and shoes in the middle of an interview, 2 giant ferns, and drunkenly yelling at a giant banana. It's like he was reading my mind and stole my idea.

Hat Removal Ceremony

2008-04-17T13:26:00.006-06:00

If you listen to Opie and Anthony, then I'm sure you heard about or saw this video the other day. It shows a big black dude mugging a 101 year-old lady and knocking her hat off her cotton ball head. Watching the video by itself is kind of sad, but add the commentary by Opie, Ant, and Jimmy, and it is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

It ranks up there with Jack Black drop-kicking Baxter off the bridge in "Anchorman"

and baby Pearl beating the shit out of Will Ferrell with a phone book.

Read This If You Are Dieting

2008-04-15T11:55:00.003-06:00

Top 10 Most Disgusting Candies

Top 10 Disgusting Foods

That was so gross and so helpful. I'll pass on those Snickers.

Someone Has Terrible Judge of Character

2008-04-14T20:59:00.007-06:00

This is quite possibly my most favoritest picture ever.

I would love to meet the mother of this baby. What is so goddamn important and urgent that you have run down your whole list of possible babysitters, and the best you can find is Amy Winehouse? There must have been no other person on the planet available to watch your kid. Y'all, Amy Winehouse is a crackhead drunk WITH IMPETIGO ON HER FACE. Impetigo is a contagious bacterial infection, and this baby is mere inches from her face. This picture scares me more than ghosts,

zombie children,

Christina Aguilera's make-up,

Regan from The Exorcist,

primordial dwarfism,

Britney's weave,

Shaq's shoe (and potentially large penis, damn),

and Indian midgets.

However, the more I look at this little guy, the more I fall in love with him. I want to dress him in a tuxedo, put some pomade in his hair with a deep side part, and make him tap dance on my coffee table for my amusement. That's fucking precious.

Anyway, my point is that I thought it was a given that you don't leave your kid with someone who is in the middle of doing a shot and someone who has an infectious skin disease. But some people need everything explained to them I guess.

Another Insightful and Productive Day With Gary

2008-04-11T09:55:00.006-06:00

Oh yay. We had an assignment change at work, and guess who I get to train and work with? It's my favorite person ever: GARY!!!

I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF!!

I was in such a good mood only to have it ruined by a 6'4" douche in navy blue twill slacks that are about 6 inches too short,

black socks, orthopedic shoes,

and a blue plaid shirt.

That's all he ever wears. Oh, and glasses that slide down to the end of his nose that I just want to snatch off his face and crush with my shoe. It's never anything different, and it's gotten to the point where I can't even look at him anymore without wanting to slit my wrists. But at least he got a haircut. The next thing that needs to go is that awful Ditka mustache.

I had to move seats to get him out of my field of vision, as I know I would just become more enraged by looking at those stupid pants. Gary, I hate your pants so much.

What you need to know about Gary is that he thinks he is the most funny, charming man alive, and he constantly feels the need to fill silences in the room with corny jokes that everyone is forced to laugh politely at. I thought maybe this day would be different since it's already 9 am, and he hasn't made a complete jackass out of himself.

I was wrong.

From about 9:30 am to around lunch time there was a massive carpet bombing of bad jokes, puns, and retarded, vapid, and useless questions and comments. Oh, he was saving it for us! It started with him staring at a projector and singing "She blinded me with science!" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?! I physically cringed and put my head down on my desk as my co-worker Nikki and I looked at each with looks of complete disgust on our faces. Nikki told him to shut the hell up and sit down. Nikki doesn't mince words. I love her.

After my nausea passed from the projector incident, we had to do this training class. I was having trouble logging in and after a minute or so, I figured out my number lock key wasn't on.

A normal person would just move on, but not funny, witty Gary who had to launch into an argument against the existance of a number lock key. Oh Gary, I just love your observational humor on keyboard keys. Please, I want to hear your three point essay on why they should eliminate the number lock key because you feel it's useless and pointless much like your existence. By all means, continue, fucktard.

So Gary rambles on another 10 minutes about the number lock key until it was time for my lunch break. I had to get out of that room. It was sucking the life out of me, and if I heard any more nonsense from that asshole, my brain was going to explode. I go back to my desk ON ANOTHER FLOOR and this motherfucker follows me and keeps babbling in my ear about something. By this time, I'm starting to get pretty good at just blocking him out like a bad molestation memory. He's there in front of me saying stuff, but I just nod politely and say "oh, yeah?" or "really?" every once in a while. He's so into his own voice and what he's saying that he doesn't even notice.

So I'm sitting and looking out the window trying to eat my lunch and plot my way out of this hellhole before I snap even though I've completely lost my appetite. Dummy asks me, "Would you rather fall to your death, die from smoke inhalation, or be burned to death?" We are on the 28th floor, so that question kind of unnerved me, but I think I told him I'd rather pass out from smoke inhalation and die. What I really wanted to tell him was that I would totally piggy-back ride him down and use him to break my fall and possibly live. Maybe his stupid plaid shirts would offer some wind resistance. Who the hell knows?

I can tell this isn't going to end well. One of us is going to walk out, end up in tears, or have a nervous breakdown. I think I'm heading for the latter. Why am I here?

Kenton Stufflebeam

2008-04-03T14:42:00.018-06:00

Kenton Stufflebeam is an asshole. He's 11, but he's a fucking nudge know-it-all douche. I hate him.

It seems the Stufflebeams took a vacation to Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of Natural History, and li'l Kenton noticed that the musuem mistakenly identified the Precambrian period as an era. He and his dad filled out a comment card at the information desk to notify them of this grave error that needs the museum's full and immediate attention. I would love to be alone in a room with these two for 5-10 minutes. I think that would be enough time to strangle them with my bare hands and get a few kidney punches in. I want to make them cry.

Kenton Stufflebeam is one of those smug motherfuckers always going around correcting your pronunciation and grammar or asking you if you know stupid facts no one really gives a shit about but make him feel like he's the smartest boy alive because he knows them, and YOU DON'T! This kid is going to grow up to be just like my co-woker Gary and live in a world of boredom, suck, and abstinence.

I imagine Kenton Stufflebeam is the inspiration for Kyle Schwartz,

and he's one of those kids that is allergic to everything and will die if he comes within a 6 mile radius of a peanut and won't stop asking you dumb questions about dinosaurs and cartoons and shit.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE TROODONTIDS WERE THE SMARTEST DINOSAURS ALIVE?
No, I didn't.

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN TELL A DINOSAUR'S AGE BY COUNTING THE RINGS ON THEIR BONES LIKE A TREE?
Didn't know it, still don't care.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE TAILS OF SOME DINOSAURS COULD BE USEFUL IN ATTAINING A TRIPOD STANCE, WHICH WAS PROBABLY USED TO FORAGE VERY TALL VEGETATION AND FOR MATING?
They used their tails for mating? That's one subject you will never, ever know anything about.

DID YOU KNOW A T.REX HAD SHARP, POINTED TEETH USED FOR TEARING FLESH AND/OR CRUSHING BONES?
Yes, retard. Everyone knows that.

DID YOU KNOW THE DINOSAURS WERE KILLED BY AN ASTEROID THAT STRUCK THE EARTH 65 MILLION YEARS AGO?
I wish another one would hit us now. I would happily sacrifice my life and those of my friends and family just to get you off this planet and to end this one-way convo immediately.

MY FAVORITE CARTOON IS TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. WHAT'S YOUR'S?
My favorite cartoon is one that I created myself about the murder of a douchy family who can't just chill out and enjoy a nice museum exhibit. There's lots of pain and blood.

Get ahold of yourself, Stufflebeam. You need to relax or high school is going to blow donkey cock, and you'll die a virgin.

Creepy Fucks

2008-04-02T17:46:00.013-06:00

So I read today that this chick named Natasha Collins, who was the star of some British children's TV show called "See It, Saw It" accidentally killed herself when she OD'd on coke while sitting in a tub of scalding water which burned over 60% of her body.

Genius. I'd be on coke 24/7 too if I had to wear that jackass ensemble the color of a McDonald's bathroom and a unitard that creates a constant concern for cameltoe.

I've always found these children's TV show host incredibly creepy. What grown man or woman really aspires to run around in ridiculous costumes, reciting dialog for 3 year-olds, and expressing only fake happiness and excitement all day? No wonder they turn to drugs, sexual deviance, suicide, and even homicide. This whole double life thing is fascinating.

I'll start with Pee Wee Herman.

I think he's the most harmless. Yeah, Pee Wee's a little kinky. Sure he had the kid's show (which I loved when I was little), but his stand-up/stage act did have some sexual material in it. It was no surprise to me that he loves his porn, but who doesn't? However, he likes to jerk off in movie theaters which is technically against the law, but it was a porno movie theater for godssakes. If you go to see a porno in public, you know why you're there, you know why everyone else is there. What's the big deal if you wack off in the theater? Just watch the porn, jerk it, avoid eye contact, and go about your business. At least he wasn't watching Lilo & Stitch sitting beside li'l Timmy just crankin' it.

I also watched Mr. Rogers when I was a kid,

but there was also something unnerving about this guy. Maybe it was a combination of the Salad Fingers voice, the weird puppets, helmet hair, and the cardigan fetish. I've never seen a man with so many cardigans in such an assortment of colors. I always enjoyed seeing what color cardigan he would wear each day. Anyway, I always thought Mr. Rogers was one bad day away from snapping and going on a killing spree.

And then there's Steve from Blues Clues. I actually think Steve is a pretty normal guy and realizes what a massive FAIL his career has become. Look at this face:

He's smiling, but you can tell he's just dead inside when you look in his eyes. He doesn't want to be a dopey kid show host. He had dreams of being an actor or something. Now he has to go to work everyday in an unflattering striped shirt with khaki pants and talk to a blue cartoon dog that isn't even real so he has to talk to a green screen and a camera all day. Jesus. How do these people do it? Anyway, I think he quit the show and was replaced by this douche:

Underneath the pancake make-up, mismatched undereye concealer, and the purple sweater you know there's a world of hurt inside that noggin. I can't wait for this breakdown. I'm guessing he has a hankering for tranny whores, gay orgies, glittery eye make-up, and a bad case of OCD. And what happened to his cock and balls in that picture? I think someone actually took the time to photoshop them out. How immasculating.

Oooh, this is a good one! Remember the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? Well, Skylar Deleon (ew,how ghey) played bit parts on the show when it was on the air in the '90s, and here's his mugshot:

Guess what he did!?!?!

Oh, he and his wife just tied an elderly couple to an anchor on their yacht and THREW THEM OVERBOARD WHILE THEY WERE STILL ALIVE in order to hijack said yacht. He is also accused in the second case of luring a man to Mexico in December of 2003, slitting his throat, and leaving the body by the side of a road. Nice job nutcase.

I love these psychos so much. I'm sure I'm overlooking a few other messes, but I'm really looking forward to the next meltdown.

More Mugshot Mania

2008-03-31T05:51:00.019-06:00

Beavis? Is that you? I miss you and The Great Cornholio. You have enough TP? If you need some, let me know. How's Butthead? Is he still smacking you around? There are places you can go for that, you know.

O hai, ladies. You knows you want some of this white chocolates. Mmmm hmm. You like my pose? It says, "I'm thingle and ready to mingles. Heeyyy." Wigger jackass. Die.

These two assholes got caught huffing paint in hardware stores. Their pictures should be printed on paint cans with the warning that huffing paint will give you a receding hairline, a permanent look of stupidity, a spraypaint goatee, and a case of the dead eyes.

This idiot looks like she just got back from a gang rape or Britney Spears's wedding. Probably the latter. "Jamie Lynn took the last chicken fanger, and I's was hungry y'all."

You know what I hate about the South and just being southern in general? ASSHOLES LIKE THESE:

Why anyone would get a played out catch phrase created by some fake-ass hack comedian tattooed anywhere on their body MUCH LESS ON THEIR FUCKING FOREHEAD is beyond me. This motherfucker should be locked up forever for his own good. He is far too dumb to be in society. And keep his son in there with him to avoid further contamination of the gene pool. I completely understand the pro-eugenics movement now.

Nothing enrages me more than ugly chicks with the sassy message t-shirts like the ones below. You're not a "hottie", you never have been, you never, ever, ever will be. Also, the only party you ever attended is the one in your head with your pretend friends and/or your cat's birthday party. I'm telling you all, eugenics is the answer.

Psssst. Hey! You forgot something. No, your hair looks fine. No, no, no the make-up is okay. Umm, YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT YOU DUMB WHORE!! Jesus Christ.

This is what I picture Earl's grandmother looking like in heaven while having a three-way with Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings. And blowing Strom Thurmond.

If my puppy, Twinkie, existed in human form and was a woman, I think he would look like this:

Just a blank, stupid, open mouth stare with absolutely nothing going on behind those eyes. I just picture a tiny hamster running on a wheel to keep the broken rusty brain gears going. It's just a matter of time before the hamster collapses from a heart attack or the gears pop off and fall to the floor.

I really hate most people.

More Fun With Science Fair Pictures

2008-03-31T05:49:00.020-06:00

Oh how I love this kid. He looks like a total smartass. I can see it in his face that he fucking loves this project. He probably looks up the words "sphincter" and "anus" in the encyclopedia and looks at the pictures and giggles uncontrollably. You can just see the shit fetish forming in his mind. He loves his little bowl of shit and his shit volcano but resents the fact that he has to wear goggles because it ruins his connection with the shit. And looking at the pictures on his project, I understand Mr. Hanky, the chocolate starfish, and the brown eye, but what's with the Mr. Bojangles and Alexander Graham Bell pictures? Fucking weirdo. I'd definitely award him first place.

Look how cute he is! He has a shit volcano too!

Ok, this just scares me. Come play with us and our bowl JennJenn.

No!

I will give you honorable mention if you get any closer to me. And no one wants that boring white ribbon.

OK, this one's fake but is completely relevant to the scientific community and should be studied. Do it for the kids.

If I knew we could create Barbie death machines as a science project, I so would have done that. I had so many when I was little. I remember I used to have a red Barbie convertible and play "Car Crash Ken". My brother would always take my Ken doll or my Jordan Knight doll and rip one leg off or cut Jordan's rat tail off and hide their clothes. Sometimes I would take their heads off but lots of times I couldn't get them back on just right so they would pop off at random and inappropriate times. I would just have Barbie driving a naked, crippled, headless Ken everywhere. So, I would play car crash and push the car into the drainage ditch by my house. I was really into making the Barbie convertible go as fast as possible by running and pushing it on the ground then watch it sail into the ditch. It was just a flash of red then blonde Barbie hair flying through the air. It was hysterical. But one time, the ditch was filled with water (I was too dumb to even check first) and heard a splash instead of a thud when the car flew into the ditch. I ran to get my stupid dolls and my stupid car. All I could rescue was the car and the dolls except Ken's head popped off and floated into the culvert never to be seen again. So it would just be a naked, one-legged, beheaded Ken in the passenger seat. And since she totally resented that burden for having to drive his ass everywhere, I'd make Barbie kick Ken out of the car onto the road with her Barbie legs and just leave a that useless torso in the road to get run over by a car or carried off by the cat. It was so much fun.

I also invented a game called "Spaceship Crash" in which I would get my dad's hammer and nail Barbie to a frisbee and throw it in the road and wait for a car to come by and flatten the shit out of it. If I really wanted a laugh, I would run over it with my bike. An inefficient and painful death machine, but still an original one I think. I highly doubt Mattel even dreamed a kid would abuse these dolls in such a way.

I want so bad to go back and do all my science fair projects over again. But this time involve some combination of death and crap.

Summer Scents and Bobbie Brown

2008-03-27T21:35:00.005-06:00

I hardly ever go to the mall, but I went today because I was so bored and wanted to check out the summer beauty and fragrance collections. I found some amazing stuff that I have to tell you about, and these are all new brands I am trying for the first time which is very exciting.

My first stop was the perfume counter, of course, and I have found my summer scents.

The first is Nina by Nina Ricci. I comes in an adorable apple bottle and is the perfect fruity/floral. When I first spritzed it on I smelled the citrusy top note of Calabrian lemon and Caipirinha lime drying down into my favorite notes of vanilla, toffee apple, and praline mixed with peony and moonflower (it sounds odd, but I promise it works. It smells amazing.). Finally, the base notes of applewood, white cedar, and musk appear and combine with the apple and florals making a unique and beautiful scent perfect for summer nights.

But I think I love Prada's Infusion D'Iris even more. It's an incredibly soft, cool fragrance with notes of mandarin, orange blossom, galbanum, iris, incense, benzoin, cedar, lentisc and vetiver. It reminds me of one of my Guerlain favorites, L'Instant. I was very surprised that I liked this scent since I'm not really into the masculine vetiver or any aldehydic scents. But these completely disappeared on the dry-down leaving the iris, orange blossom, incense, and cedar notes. It also has a faint powdery smell, but nothing too strong. The notes mix perfectly into a beautiful fragrance. This is definitely one I'll be wearing all summer.

I also bought some Bobbie Brown products. I've heard lots of good things about this line, and I can't believe I've never tried anything of hers until now.

The saleslady totally sold me on the foundation and moisturizer. I have combination skin with it oily in some areas and really dry in others. She applied the Hydrating Face Cream and the Luminous Moisturizing Foundation in Porcelain which made my skin incredibly soft and my skin tone completely even. I am in love with these! I also decided to try the cult classic Shimmer Brick (a blush/highlighter) in Rose, the Creamy Eye Pencil in Smoke, and the Glitter Lip Gloss in Naked, and I am very impressed. The eyeliner goes on very smoothly - no dragging & very smudgeable. The gloss is long-lasting, just like a MAC gloss, and very beautiful. And the Shimmer Brick deposits just the right amount of color and shimmer. Bobbie Brown appears to be a very high quality brand, and I recommend it to anyone.

I'll be posting more product reviews as soon as I get my orders in. <3 Jenn

Goodbye, Twinkers, My Love

2008-03-26T17:23:00.012-06:00

So...I finally had to get rid of Twinkie, one of my little angels. I love him, but it's just not working out in this new apartment. I gave him to my aunt who I know will love him and take care of him, so I feel good about that. Sugar Bear just couldn't handle Twinkie's constant need to hump him as well as his habit of resting his balls on his face.

But I will miss you my Twinkers. We had some good times together. I loved the way you looked at me with complete stupidity and cluelessness,

and I will miss the way your tounge hung out the side of your mouth like the oversized tounge of a child with Down's Syndrome. I loved your fascination with lying on/next to my feet.

And I loved the way you provided me and my friends with hours of drunken entertainment. One has not truly experienced hilarity until they have seen you jump in a circle on your hind legs just to get a stupid Twizzler. God, you are dumb. But I love you.

However, it wasn't all shits and giggles. We had our trying times. Like the time you chewed up my favorite Coach bag, and then tried to go for my Prada. I am sorry for throwing said bag at you as I am sure the buckle hurt pretty bad, but you cannot comprehend how awesome these bags are. And then all of the pairs of shoes you ruined! I wish you could talk to me and tell me WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CHEW UP JUST ONE FUCKING SHOE AND LEAVE THE OTHER ONE THERE FOR ME TO JUST LOOK AT AND WANT TO WEAR BUT CAN'T?!?! FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK! It was pure torture.

Twinkie, I hope you love your new home in Mississippi. Be nice to Ricky Bobby,

don't fuck with his Cool Ranch Doritos, and try not to hump him too. He is very nice. Stay off highway, listen to Amanda, and dodge Uncle Ricky's beer bottles the best you can, as we all do.

Love,
Mommy

P.S. Sugar Bear wants me to tell you to die in a fire. He is still pissed about the attempted rape. That's not very nice. I'm sorry.

Oh C.J., How I Love You

2008-03-22T19:49:00.017-06:00

I have found my new most favorite person in the world aside from my soul mate Shannon from Planet Unicorn (heeeyyyyy)

This is CJ, and he is amazing. I can honestly say I've never seen a person eat a cotton ball on purpose as well as someone run like a retarded seven-year old girl. Maybe it's the girl jeans that prevent him from bending his knee joints. Who knows. It's hilariously stupid anyway.

I guess C.J. is supposed to be "emo", but he's too happy and weird to be emo. Yeah, he's got the black nail polish and wears girl clothes. But he has a penchant for wearing 80s headgear, making stupid faces, and drawing stick figures (which are just awful, by the way. I'm starting to think something's wrong with him. Mild retardation or an underdeveloped right brain perhaps? His drawings look like he stuck a magic marker in his asshole and created a lovely ass mural all over his tiny bedroom.) That's not very emo.

I think my favorite part was the end where the bull dyke gym teacher mom tried to get him to man up with some wrestling lessons, and he says crawling around with men doesn't make him feel more like a man. FACE! And I agree, C.J. If you want your questionably gay son to stop acting like a flaming homo, DON'T MAKE HIM ROLL AROUND HALF NAKED WITH OTHER MEN ON A GYM FLOOR, DUMBASS! JESUS CHRIST!

And he reminds me of Rusty from MadTV, and for that, I love him even more.

The Most Time Consuming Way To Kill Yourself

2008-03-19T11:47:00.008-06:00

An 81-year old man in Austrailia built a suicide robot from instructions off the internet to kill himself. I shit you not.

I want a suicide robot. Only I wouldn't kill myself. I would strategically place it in areas frequented by douchebags and assholes, aim, press the suicide button, and watch the hilarity ensue. And my God, I have so many questions!

1. Why would anyone go through the trouble to buy a gun only to build a robot to kill you with that same gun. Couldn't we just cut out the middleman (middlerobot?), grow some balls, and just pull the trigger yourself?

2. How does an 81-year old man know how to use the internets let alone download blueprints for his suicide robot and put this crap together? My Papaw is 70, and I had to show him how to retreive his voicemails on his cell. I had to do this about 4 times. But my Papaw also wears Hawaiian shirts

& shorts with black socks

and orthopedic shoes

and is a total narcoleptic.

I guess he spends his days creating ensembles that are abominations to the fashion gods and falling asleep in his lunch. He has no time for technology. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I do admire his ability to fall asleep anytime, anywhere. I still can't fall asleep after taking four Tylenol PMs. Lucky son of a bitch.

3. This guy set his robot up in his driveway at about 7 a.m. on a weekday and he shot himself via suicide robot. Please tell me he lives near a school bus stop.

4. I would like to know if you can program this thing to say Schwarzenegger or Dirty Harry lines right before it kills you so you can at least go out with a laugh.

5. Finally, how could his family not be aware that their 81 year-old relative was building a robot? Wouldn't they find this strange? Even if they were unaware it was a suicide robot? Didn't they notice like robot arms and feet everywhere or maybe even a robot head with some wires and circuits and shit all over the house and think it was a tad abnormal? That didn't raise any red flags?

If my family was this dumb, I would kill myself too.

See, Your Life Isn't So Bad

2008-03-19T05:52:00.004-06:00

I believe I have come across a picture that is the epitome of monumental, suck, fail, and disappointment. It is one of the saddest photographs I've seen since this

and this

This picture which I will entitle "I Am Seriously Looking at a Picture of a Rapping Puerto Rican Midget Accompanied by Two Failed Fly Girls" is one devoid of any trace of human dignity. Even the orange hippie van is humiliated. And what enrages me about this little guy is that you know he knows he's in the wrong genre! Midgets are only employed by mediocre rap/metal acts:

Someone should tell him all he has to do is run around the stage and yell without running into Kid Rock or tripping over his shoestrings on his tiny Dora The Explorer shoes that are on his fat baby midget feet. And, girls, it's time to pack away your J.Lo track suits, your old dance school pictures, and your memories into your box of shattered dreams, and face reality: IF YOU ARE DANCING BACK-UP FOR A FUCKING MIDGET, THIS WHOLE "DANCE CAREER" JUST AIN'T WORKING OUT!!!

You know their mothers saw these pictures and are now just shells of their former selves, and when they can bring themselves to look at their children, tears of disappointment flow down their cheeks and into their gallon of Rocky Road ice cream. God forbid these idiots have children themselves, and their kids see this picture. Nothing compares to the joy of watching your child's respect for you drain from their eyes only to be replaced by resentment and condescension. I hope your happy with yourselves.

John "Hollywood" Adams

2008-03-18T18:05:00.006-06:00

So I checked out the new HBO series "John Adams". I heard it was really good, and it got excellent reviews. It was kind of boring in some parts, but it was a pretty good biography depicting both the personal and historical aspects of John Adams's life. However, I didn't find it as riveting as this guy. Reviews like that overinflate the ego which got me thinking how funny it would be if John Adams lived in our times and went all Hollywood with Ben Franklin and left Abigail for J.Lo or some shit. I think it would go something like this convo between John Adams and his hypothetical agent "Chaz":

I love Hollywood John Adams.

New Brit-Brit

2008-03-12T23:04:00.004-06:00

Here's the video for "Break The Ice". I really like both the song and the video.

I really just said that.

Break the Ice

Miss Gulag

2008-03-12T21:43:00.005-06:00

Siberia has a Miss Gulag pageant. Yes, I said Miss GULAG!

It's a fucking beauty pageant for women prisoners. There are three categories in which they are judged: "Greek Goddesses", "Flower Gowns" (eww, tacky), and "Imaginary Uniforms" where each contestant designs their idea prison uniform.

This has to be one of saddest things I've ever heard of.

The most beautiful and the most creative prisoner wins the "Miss Spring" title and gets a tiara probably made from shit found around the prison like tin foil, toilet paper, and glitter from arts & crafts day.

Let's meet the contestants:

This is Natalya. She is 26 and enjoys long walks in the tundra (Long, long, long walks. Through the snow. For hours and hours. On a chain gang.) and pink dresses with lots of ruffles. Her ideal man must be comfortable with no physical contact for 5-10 years and making out with a pane of glass between them. She is a no nonsense gal who does not like to play games. Turn offs include subtle lip color, 23 hour work days, and any hair style after 1985.

This sexpot is Natasha. Turn ons: Willy Wonka glasses, assault rifles, and bangs that are plastered to one's forehead. She loves men wth a sense of humor and men who accept collect calls. Turn offs include freedom and waking up screaming in the middle of the night.

I don't this chick's name, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's Natasha. She enjoys belly dancing, all shades of orange, and sweating like a pig. She is looking for a man with a crobar, wire cutter, and hacksaw handy along with a death wish. Turn offs include eyes with any spark of life in them and people with souls.

My vote goes to Natalya. She likes pink and looks all shimmery, and I want to give her a makeover.

GUNTHER UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-10T21:52:00.008-06:00

Sweet! I am now Gunther's myspace friend.

I am as elated as Rick is when he is at work:

OK. That was a bad example, but one of you bitches is getting knocked off my top 40. And I am formulating my first myspace message to Gunther as I speak which I will post as soon as it's perfected. I hope to hear back from him preferably in the form of shitty techno song lyrics in his awful German accent accompanied by a generic dance beat. Keep your fingers crossed!

I've Found My Soul Mate Heeeeeyyyy

2008-03-09T21:09:00.003-06:00

Rainbows, unicorns, and gays. My happiness trifecta is complete.

What makes me even happier is that Feathers sounds like Shawn from the best documentary that has ever been filmed: Living Dolls (he's about 7:30 into the clip).

I dedicate this episode of Planet Unicorn to future t-shirt model Flea. Take notes pumpkin:

(Thank you Bonnie for showing me this. It has brought me immeasurable happiness.)

Sephora Spree #143...Jesus Christ This Has Got To Stop

2008-03-09T14:19:00.006-06:00

Afer I had like 4 giant margaritas last night and make-up chat with my BFF Bonnie, I went on a drunken Sephora spree at 3 a.m. because I need more make-up. Right. I hate myself.

Really though, I'm out of bronzer & highlighter which I am currently obsessed with. I decided to try Guerlain this time because my make-up idol Scott Barnes uses Terra Cotta

on his clients J.Lo, Julianne Moore, and Kate Hudson. I decided to go with Terra Cotta Light

since I'm so fair, and I don't want to look like I have Paris Hilton's atrocious tan. I hope it works just as well. I also purchased Guerlain Meteorites

in Mythic 01 to use as highlighter which MakeupAlley gave an 82% positive review, so it's probably a good investment. I've only experienced Guerlain as one of my favorite perfume houses. They make Insolence

(one of my favorite scents) and the cult classic Shalimar.

Hopefully, the cosmetic line is just as good.

Bonnie got Too Faced shadow base

and Lancome shadow in Metallic.

Too Faced makes great eye make-up. I've never tried the shadow base (I use Benefit's Lemon Aid. When I run out I will be trying this one.), but their shadows are a lot like Scott Barnes's Eye Ice

but much more affordable. I recommend Totally Toasted

and Lovey-Dovey

especially if you like lots of color and shimmer.

As for mascara, we both purchased Dior Show of course.

It's the best mascara ever.

And what's a beauty post without mentioning fragrance? BonnBonn was recently given I Love Love by Moschino.

She really likes it, and I have a small sample of it and thought it smelled amazing. Notes include bright citrus, followed by sexy yet feminine florals, cinnamon leaves, woods and musk. I can't wear it though because I'm allergic to it, but I purchased Pure by mark.

I've never tried the mark. products before. I know the brand is an offshoot of Avon, but I think they target a younger demographic. But Pure is a very simple fragrance and perfect for spring or even summer with notes of clean white soap, citrus, and sheer florals. I'll post reviews as soon as I try everything!

Best Birthday Ever!

2008-03-09T13:21:00.005-06:00

I turned 27 yesterday. Surprisingly, it was fucking awesome. My gifts ranged from absolutely nothing (thanks Grandma) to thoughtful "Happy Birthday!" texts to the sweetest birthday toast made by Eddie (I <3 u!) which almost made me cry to sparkly birthday photoshops to shots of male genitalia via PalTalk webcams. It was truly memorable. Thank you to all my friends for making it special for me this year.

<3 Jenn

Amazingly Awful Music: Gunther

2008-03-08T23:38:00.013-06:00

Fuck Jan Terri and this dumb whore. My favorite new "artist" is Gunther FTW!

Pure hotness. That's the shiniest mullet i've ever seen. I bet he deep conditions or applies a hair mask at least once a week. Maybe he uses the V05 hot oil treatment. Who the fuck knows? I would like to discuss beauty tips with him while we go shopping for bronzer and glow sticks for the kick ass rave we would no doubt be attending. And the glasses are so retro. They're a cross between Elvis

and what I like to call "child molester chic":

I also admire his attention to detail hence the meticulously groomed porno 'stache. And that fucking dog looks like Mr. Bojangles from SNL who we can all agree is the most adorable thing on the planet:

I would kill the Pope to have a chance to kiss his tiny doggy nose.

If you haven't heard Gunther's "DingDongSong", you have to see the video below. This song will be in your head for days much like Rick's "Horse cock, horse cock, horse cock, horse cock, hor-orse cock..." song:

The video for "Ding Dong Song" is your typical techno/dance video reminiscent of that old Ace of Base/Real McCoy/Aqua shit. You have the glamour shots, the awful dance moves, big-titted whores, lots of bronzer. And the same shitty techno beat. I imagine Eurotrash

and gay German men

love this shit and vogue Madonna-style to it in the clubs. Warning: Guys, there is man ass at the beginning of this masterpiece, but if you keep watching you will see hot lezbo action. So, please, keep watching:

I sent Gunther a myspace request, and I will interweb stalk him if he does not accept me. I need him in my life.

Scent of a Candidate

2008-03-05T15:20:00.003-06:00

Some idiot made fragrances for the presidential candidates:

Eau du Liars

Hillary's scent is jasmine, violet, rose, and musk. I would have gone with polyester, Bill's fingers, coffee breath, hairspray from her helmet hair, and dishonesty (if dishonesty has a scent).

Barak's fragance is a citrusy bergamot & musk. Bitch please. Barak reeks of fried chicken, hair relaxer, pampers, and cherry Kool-Aid.

John's is bergamot, water lily, lavender, cool greens, and musk. Does anyone else see the irony in this one? Give the most feminine scent to the POW. She forgot the old people smell, mothballs, gun powder, & post traumatic stress disorder (I don't know how you would bottle the scent of PTS, but it would be included).

I think I'm going to vote for who has the best fragrance. Because that's what matters.

You, Sir, Are a Douche

2008-03-05T15:12:00.008-06:00

After this turd of a day I've had, I've decided I'm going to start a new series in my blog. I've titled it "You, Sir, Are a Douche". I have dedicated my first installment to my co-worker Gary. Gary, you, sir, are a douche.

Oh, where to begin on this little angel. Well, Gary is in his fifties and is a sexy combo of Bill Lumberg

with a Ron Burgundy mustache

and in perpetual need for a hair cut. He also has a ridiculous soul patch

and the personality of Mr. Van Driesen.

Yes, he was a hippie back in the day. :shudder:. And he wears nothing but navy blue slacks

and plaid shirts.

And he power walks everywhere. I hate people who power walk. What's the fucking rush? Calm the fuck down, ass.

So here's what I've learned from my 5 HOUR interaction in which he had to show me how he did his report thingy in Microsoft Access. It was 5 hours I will never get back. I SERIOUSLY WANTED TO DIE. In order to block out this excruciatingly painful convo, I just concentrated on ways I could kill myself using objects in his cubicle. I contemplated the phone cord,

but i couldn't find anything I could hang myself from. The next best thing was this wire folder holder

with which I could puncture my carotid artery. But that would be too painful. Whatever, it doesn't matter. I'm just going to bring Patron to work and do shots before I have to deal with him.

So, Gary is a vegan who pretty much only eats junk food and herbal teas (homo). He came to work with this huge bandage over his eye from where he passed out in the grocery store and hit his head. He believes he passed out because the only thing he ate that day was Skittles

and Pixie Sticks.

God he's so smart.

Also, Gary obsessed with colors. I swear to you, he went off on a 15 minute diatribe on his "color philosophy". Gary is a firm believer in "using color to stimulate the creative process". True or not, it's still stupid. Instead of getting into the exciting world of Microsoft Access, I had to suffer through him showing me how he turned his database borders different colors and the title bars on his tables and queries different colors. I almost started crying as I was writing my two weeks' notice in my head. And let me add that he likes to press the "enter" key in a dramatic fashion to bring home the point that he fucking finished his report. Microsoft motherfuckin' Access FTW! He also has an unhealthy obsession with the underscore key. Here is an actual title of a table he completed:

tbl_CIMS_SQL_Feb_tasksperhour_salary_final

If it doesn't have an underscore key, it blows donkey cock right, Gare Bear? I_hate_you_and_your_underscore_key.

I need drugs and a new job.

I Coulda Been a Model Fuckers

2008-03-02T23:35:00.004-06:00

Here's proof myheritage.com is complete bullshit.

I look like a goddamn Asian in this picture. Like a fat Asian baby

or Bob Kelly with great hair and Aryan features.

I think I want to adopt an Asian baby. They are ridiculously cute.

The fatter the better. I would dress them in differet costumes everyday. Like a pumpkin, bumble bee, a corn on the cob

or a cheeseburger:

Look he's in a box and being FedEx'd to me.

Holy fuck there is an Asian baby blog.

Best blog ever. I hope it's not some weird pedophile site.

Dumb Whores With Books

2008-03-02T21:28:00.004-06:00

I hate pretentious people. Especially pretentious liars. It just enrages me when I see Paris Hilton carrying around "The Power of Now"

and a religious book and the fucking Bible:

Why do these assholes think we don't know what they're doing? Reading spirituality books? You have no soul. Why waste your time? And carrying a book in your hands in front of photographers does not equal intelligence.

Oh you're reading The Alchemist, Paris?

That pretty awesome book about following your dreams? Did it inspire you to follow your dreams of being photographed with your camel toe showing

and your saggy ass hanging out of your ugly dress

Good job idiot.

And why the fuck is Britney Spears reading the Chronicles of Narnia...in her car?

There is no God.

Winston Makes Me Happy

2008-03-02T20:21:00.008-06:00

I've had a bad day. I have PMS, my ankle hurts, and my hair is greasy. I miss my puppies who I had to put in a kennel because I moved this weekend. I can't put together my TV stand and hook up my new TV because I'm an impatient retard, and I hate screwdrivers and tiny little screws and bolts and shit. I want to drop-kick this TV stand off my balcony then smash it into little pieces and throw them in the river. I hate my life.

So to keep myself from snapping and going on a "Falling Down"-type rampage, I will watch Winston my favorite LOL cat. I love his Down Syndrome face and his stupidity. He reminds me of my Twinkie Bear who is equally retarded.

Twinkers!

Please join me.

Awww...no, Winston, you cannot haz string! HAHAHAHA

LOL. He just kicked that feather thing's ass.

Mashed potatoes are delicious.

I'm going to get drunk now.

Deseo by Jennifer Lopez

2008-02-27T12:47:00.005-06:00

If you're famous these days, it's almost a requirement that you have your own perfume line. Sadly, almost all completely suck balls or are completely unoriginal. Hillary Duff's With Love smells like a hamster cage. Britney's Fantasy smells like a giant cupcake covered in burnt sugar. Ew. Paris Hilton's scents are all boring and generic. Gwen Stefani's L smells good, but it smells just like Estee Lauder's Exotic Pleasures. However, there are a handful of celebrity scents that actually stand out and are of good quality. Sarah Jessica Parker pulled it off with Lovely and Covet. J.Lo does an awesome job as well especially with Deseo.

Deseo is my newest addition to the perfume collection. I love this scent. It's a nice departure from the boring fruity-florals that have saturated the market latey. Deseo is a floral woody scent inspired by the smell and feel of the air during a midnight walk in Jennifer’s flower garden moments before a thunderstorm. The bottle is gorgeous and was designed to resemble a diamond in the rough. The top notes are watery bamboo leaves, garden yuzu, Sicilian bergamot, freesia. The middle notes include star jasmine, pink geranium flower, orange blossom, and French mimosa. The dry down is amazing with warm amber, oak moss, sensual musks, creamy sandalwood, atlas cedar wood, patchouli, and mineral accord. I kept smelling my wrist all day. Deseo is one I will definitely put in regular rotation.

New Polishes

2008-02-26T13:03:00.007-06:00

As you can see, I don't have enough nail polish,

so I went to check out the newest Essie and Zoya collections. I managed to narrow it down to eight new polishes for spring. They are gorgeous:

Essie polishes top to bottom: It's A Cinch, Hard To Get, High Maintenance, & Turning Heads Red

Zoya polishes top to bottom: Poppy, Jordana, Eva, Angella, & Amber

If you like these, go to beautyofasite.com to see the rest of these collections as well as lots of bath & body stuff and makeup.

Rent-A-WHAT THE FUCK?

2008-02-25T19:09:00.004-06:00

Is this for real?

Rent-A-Dildo

I'm still not sure. The picture on the welcome page is obviously photoshopped:

I'm almost 100% sure this nice young couple was holding a remote control for a Best Buy or a Wal-Mart ad not a giant dildo for a company THAT RENTS SEX TOYS!!!! I have some questions not addressed in the FAQ section. Is the health department aware of your business venture? Are you embarrassed to tell your familly about your career choice? Would you please explain in detail your sterilization process? What extras do you get with the "Golden Dildo" plan? Exactly what happened that made you discontinue your anal sex toy plan? And finally, how do you sleep at night?

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Memorable Oscar Moments

2008-02-25T15:05:00.006-06:00

I watched the Oscars last night with my interweb friends on PalTalk. It was a pretty good show, but nothing really spectacular or anything. I think my favorite moment was Gary Busey attacking Jennifer Garner on the red carpet. Just a 6'3" tornado of Gary Busey Chicklet teeth, floppy hair, and wonky eyes.

Fucking scary but funny:

I also enjoyed watching Hannah Montana, Colin Farrell, and John Travolta slip and almost bust their asses on stage.

And if I have to say something nice, I think Katherine Hiegel,

Penelope Cruz,

& George Clooney

looked gorgeous. There. Something nice. Here's the list of winners if you care:

2008 Oscar Winners

God I Love Stupid People

2008-02-25T12:35:00.008-06:00

Because I enjoy judging and making fun of others, I really enjoy the mugshot section of The Smoking Gun. It is an excellent compilation of mugshots of the stupid and famous as well as a few bizarre ones. Here are my favorites:

Awwww. Who lost a bet? That tatoo should go over really well in prison. Remember to keep the guy in the half-shirt, cut offs, and grape jelly away from your butthole.

I don't even know what to say about this one with his creepy mustache and Prince Valliant/

Carnie Wilson circa 1990 haircut.

You fail at life.

How fucking cute is that? He's like a little criminal Pillsbury Dough Boy. I want to just poke his belly and watch him giggle.

Now this one hits close to home for me. I did a double take when I saw this one because he looks like my Uncle Ricky who lives in a camper on a hill in Meridian, Mississippi. He has a suped up mustang with an enragingly awful "Meet The Beast" vanity plate (I'm for real. It's on my MySpace), but he gets arrested like 10 times a year for not paying his child support. And he's almost 50. The dirty mullet, the crazy eyes, and the agape mouth that you just know is screaming profanity, racial epithets, and butchering the English language with words such as "you-uns" and "fixin' to" stopped me in my tracks. But I didn't see a beer bottle or a chewing tobacco in his mouth, so I knew it wasn't him.

There's even more of these angels here: The Smoking Gun.

I Just Remember Making Volcanoes

2008-02-21T12:38:00.005-06:00

Remember the science fair? Yeah, well, me either, but i would if the science fairs we had ruled as much as these.

Looking at this picture, I assume Chunk did an experiment in which he grew plants using both soda and water. And I assume the retarded one on the left is the one grown with the Mountain Dew. Our chubby little man's experiment was completely unnecessary. This kid hasn't touched a water bottle ever because his mother grew him on soda for godssake. He should have just taken off his clothes and sat on the table in front of his posterboard to prove his hypothesis. Like people, plants raised on soda grow up to be total messes.

Future.Serial.Killer.

I'd give this creep first prize out of fear alone.

Is bigger always better? Hmmmmm. I wonder which one came up with this topic. Hmmmmm. And to answer the question, YES! Because I'm a size queen.

I am surprised these two would even know what global warming is. I wouldn't trust these assholes with safety scissors.

Future dominatrix or just a perv? We'll see.

I like this kid. I wonder what he's dropping. And is that fried chicken on that plate?

You know their parents gave them this idea. You can always tell meth-addicted trailer trash by their hair. ALWAYS.

10 bucks and a blowjob says she's Mormon. Oh, and by the way, there is no God.

Oooooh, this is my favorite. The little redneck on the left is the cutest thing ever. He looks like my friend Scott if Scott had a beer belly at 8 years old and a wicked awesome trucker hat:

Scott's awesome.

I think the one on the right had lucked out and got the control drink. Bobby Hill on the left got the Chlorox Cocktail.

I saved the best for last. I love the sweater. You can tell his grandmother made it with her sweet little old lady hands for her little pumpkin because he likes "the motorbikes". And his project is "The Code of the Meniscus". Wikipedia says a meniscus is a curve in the surface of a liquid and is produced in response to the surface of the container or another object. It can be either concave or convex.

I didn't realize there was a code to a meniscus. Is it that complicated? This kid is asking for an assbeating. Can you imagine what his life at school must be like? Just relentless bullying until he shoots up his chemistry class.

There's even more pictures of the most amazing science fair pictures ever here.

I Didn't Order This

2008-02-20T12:36:00.003-06:00

I have a love/hate relationship with the website Consumerist. I have to say it's one of my favorite websites not because it's interesting and informative, but because the stories are so trivial and stupid. It means well, but really, the people who run it come off as cheap, smug assholes. And that's not because I've been banned from posting there (I told a lady who was bitching about paying taxes on toilet paper that I hope she dies in a hotel fire started by a four year old with a book of matches and TP. Consumerist did not appreciate that. But that's another story). It's because they suck. Still, I enjoy reading some of the articles because it makes me feel like less of a loser. Especially this one:

HAHAHAHAHA

This made me laugh so hard. I think my favorite part was the backhanded apology from the owner. He was sorry they saw it not that it was even put on the bill in the first place. He has balls! And I have a feeling we aren't getting the whole story. They probably WERE being fuckfaces to the waiter. Just a bunch of snotty cunts bitching about too many croutons in the salad and fawning over Buffy's new nose job. Ew. Maybe I'm just jealous because that is the coolest bill ever. I would keep that receipt and frame that fucker. I would keep it next to my wedding pictures and births of my children. It's a real gem.

More Awful Music

2008-02-19T14:07:00.006-06:00

I love watching really bad movies and listening to horrendous music. It's so much more entertaining than the good, relevant music from someone with talent. And holy fuck did i come across the holy grail of shit music. It's even more amazing than Jan Terri, and it's enragingly awful. And you'll never guess who it is.

It's Heidi the from The Motherfucking Hills. Apparently, someone told her she could sing, so she made this giant turd of a video:

Dumb Whore Singing

This garbage was shot by her fiance Spencer

and features Heidi's new tits a well as her overprocessed voice and expertise in rolling around in sand. And it has the production quality of a Billy Squire video only worse:

These people need to be stopped.

This is getting out of hand.

2008-02-19T12:43:00.003-06:00

If you know me, you know I'm attracted to shiny things like a fucking retard. So I was so happy when I finally got to take out the ugly stud and put my cute little diamond in! I love it.

And I decided that my face/head area didn't sparkle enough, so I got an extension in my hair with crystals on it. What the fuck is wrong with me?

It's like getting tatts. Addicting. Only tatoos are cool, but I've made a conscious decision to turn myself a disco ball. Ooooh, I want Madonna eyelashes with Swarovski crystals next.

Possibly a diamond grill?

Someone should put rhinestones between their fingers and make a fist and punch me straight in the forehead in order to permanently embed said rhinestones in the middle of my face to teach me a lesson. I am a shallow idiot. Why am I here?

The Latest Addition

2008-02-19T12:37:00.002-06:00

I'm so excited! I got a new Coach bag! It was an early birthday present, and it's gorgeous and big enough to carry all my shit. I'm in love. Jealous bitches?

So I Went Furniture Shopping...

2008-02-09T20:49:00.000-06:00

Well, it looks like I'm almost done shopping for furniture & decor for my new place. It's been so much fun, and I'm going to show you what I bought. When I get the apartment set up, I'll also post pictures of everything.

Here's my new sofa & chair from Haverty's. I decided to get a dark leather one. Normally, this would be a little too masculine for my taste, but my kitchen is right off the living room and has black granite countertops and stainless steel/black appliances. I usually get white or off-white furniture, but I just don't think it will look good. But anyway, the couch is awesome! It's soft leather, and it looks kind of aged which I love. It's also really deep and the cushions are so soft. I need a couch I can fall asleep on & this is perfect.

I also got one of those really big & wide chairs that two people could fit in. It's perfect for snuggling with your man or your abduction victims. Awww.

And don't think for a second I got those pillows in the pictures! They're fucking ugly, and they remind me of giant brownies which I really don't need to be thinking about.

I also went to Target and found some really cute things on clearance. I found this canvas painting of red, orange, & yellow poppies which are the colors I'm doing in the living room and kitchen:

I also got these candle holders and urns for decoration in the living room. I haven't decided what I'm going to put in the urns yet.

I can't stand bright, overhead lighting, so I need lots of lamps. I bought this torchiere lamp on sale from Target and these milk glass lamps in green, yellow, & orange from Pottery Barn:

And here's my new dining room set:

I just bought the table & chairs because the dining room is kind of small. I liked the dark wood and the white cushions because it will go with my adorable chandelier from Lamps Plus. I think a dark purple on the walls would look really good in this room.

It also has a small bar area for which I got some bar accessories from Pottery Barn's
Claro Collection. They are nothing fancy, but they are still gorgeous. I love them.

I have a second bedroom now that I couldn't decide to turn into a guest bedroom or an office until I found this beautiful bedroom set.

I'm going to put my old bedroom furniture in the guest bedroom. Now y'all can come visit, and we can have sleepovers and braid each other's hair while watching Mean Girls and She's All That and talk about how fuckable Freddie Prinze Jr. is then have drunken pillow fights. Yay! But anyway, I'm going to do my room in green. Here's my new bed set from Pottery Barn:

And I found this lamp on clearance at Target. It's perfect for my bedroom:

Finally, my kitchen! I think this is going to be my favorite room. It's a nice size with black granite table tops, oak cabinets, and black and stainless steel applicances. I've decided to use orange as my main color. It will be really pretty and go perfectly with the living room decor. I bought these plates to mix & match from P.B.:

And I got these beautiful drinking glasses.

So all I've got left to do is get bathroom decor, get a coffee table, and a small entertainment center to put my TV on in the living room. I'm still waiting on my tables for the balcony to come in, and I'll post pictures when I get those pieces and when I finish shopping for the other stuff. And please give me any suggestions or ideas you have. I'd love to hear them. <3 Y'all!

My Nose Ring

2008-02-09T16:02:00.000-06:00

In case you haven't seen my MySpace, here's a pic of my new nose ring. I'm going to put a cute little diamond in there next week when I can take the stud out.

Ooh La La & Lippies!

2008-02-09T15:07:00.000-06:00

The latest scent I added to the collection came from my Victoria Secret spree. It's called OOh La La from the Sexy Little Things collection. This fragrance's notes include mandarin,cherry blossom, & vanilla. I also got the body shimmer which also smells amazing and makes your skin luminous. I love them.

I fell in love with the VS Bare Bronze collection. Their Sun Silk gloss looks great on any skin tone (including my pale ass) as does their Beauty Rush gloss in Honey Do. The other glosses in the picture above come from Bath & Body Works. They have a sale on now where you can buy 3 for $15. I got Cotton Candy, Raspberry Vanilla, & Sunny Orange. All are very shimmery and shiny and not too sticky. I definitely recommend them.

My New Obsession: Hot Chicks With Douchebags

2008-02-09T13:05:00.000-06:00

Okay, I think I'm over my guido obsession. As punchable and stupid as they are, I've read every page of guidofistpump.com and seen every episode of Growing Up Gotti, and the novelty has worn off. Now it's on to something even more stupid: hotchickswithdouchebags.com!

The picture above was on dlisted a few days ago as a caption contest and of course I had to find out where this pic came from because I have low self-esteem and making fun of retards and douchebags makes me feel better about myself. But then again, they deserve all the shit they get because they subject the public to this:

I have so many questions for these douchebags! What makes you think you look good? Do you wear makeup and/or bronzer, or is your appearance the result of some freak tanning bed accident? How do you get these hot chicks? Who did your hair like that and why? Why do you insist on wearing such tight shirts? Has your family ever spoken to you about your lack of tasteful clothing and your excessive hair gel usage? Don't you think the faux-hawk is a bit overrated? Don't the clubs you go to have a no shirt, no shoes policy? And finally, can I punch you in the face?

So hot!

Not really. Ugh.

Best Body Butter Ever

2008-02-09T10:51:00.000-06:00

I hadn't been in Victoria's Secret in years, and I finally got a chance to go check out their revamped beauty line and new products when I went to visit Amanda in Mississippi last week. I was so impressed! The body butter is so amazing. It melts ito your skin, and my skin was even soft when I woke up the next morning. The body butter is available in all of the VS classic scents, but my favorite is My Desire which is a mix of grapefruit, jasmine, & mango. It's definitely worth trying out, and I promise you'll love it.

I Heart Sarah Silverman

2008-02-05T07:44:00.000-06:00

I have the biggest girl crush on Sarah Silverman. She makes me giggle like a retard because we have the same disgusting sense of humor as well as homicidal tendencies:

If you haven't seen The Sarah Silverman Program or her movie Jesus Is Magic then you should rent or Netflix that shit, and put your laughing hats on. It makes me laugh even when I'm not drunk and/or high. What boring shell of a person are you if you don't find this funny?

And her gays Brian and Steve fucking rule.

Sarah's the best. I just want to snuggle with her and smell her hair as she tells me cancer jokes and suggests new ways to kill people in their sleep. That's not at all weird.

Jan Terri: Pure Sex

2008-01-20T16:30:00.000-06:00

So D-listed's Hot Slut of the week is Jan Terri. Never heard of her? Me either, but you HAVE TO see this mess. She is Diane from Fat Camp in 30 years. I love her.

Apparently, Jan Terri was some sort of singer in the 80s and 90s, and she made a few horrific videos. Please watch them. They are like a train wreck - just awful but you can't take you're eyes off of it. Here is "Little Brother", an atrocious mash up of two stupid songs that together make up one giant turd:

Where do I start with this masterpiece? Well, first off, she needs a new career. She sings worse than Britney hopped up on Boone's Farm and lithium, but I do give her credit. Her writing skills aren't worse than Britney's. And if you know me, you know i can't write this without mentioning the abomination that is the hair and 80s clothes. I'm still trying to figure out how old this chick is. She has the hair and the body of a 70 year old diabetic grandmother, but she doesn't really dress like one. I'm so confused!! I think my favorite part is when she points at a cruise ship when she sings the words "cruise ship" just in case you don't know what she's talking about. However, she scores points because her love interest has an AC Slater mullet and is completely dressed in acid washed denim which makes me giggle. And she looks like Winston, and I am in love with Winston.

Here's another video that's even more craptastic:

Jesus, I don't know what's sexier, her bunt in those leather pants or her squatty midget legs in those boots. Hotness. My favorite part of this one is near 2:30 where the camera tries to go in for a close up of her face, but the camera zooms in on the concrete wall and then pans over to her like "fine, i'll do my camera thing and film this twat even though I'm terrified of that mug". Jan Terri, you rule bitch!

Scott Barnes

2008-01-20T13:40:00.000-06:00

The best make-up artist ever now has his own cosmetic line! Scott does amazing make up for Jennifer Lopez, Lucy Liu, Kate Hudson, Julianne Moore, etc. He is credited with the "J.Lo glow" using bronzer and shimmer to contour the face and body. I bought his Glow Box, Body Bling Platinum, and Eye Ice at scottbarnes.com

The Glow Box includes 5 hydrating masks, loose powder in Diamond Dust, super Luscious mascara, bronze in St. Tropez, and Flossy Glossy in Wishing (clear), Heavenly (pinkish gld), and Pretty Penny (copper). These colors go wih any skin tone. They even look good on me, and I have really fair skin.

I loved the original Body Bling, but Body Bling Platinum is much better. It's designed for more fair skin, and seems to blend easier thank the original.

And Eye Ice is a gorgeous eyeshadow. I got Serpentine, a dark brown, that will give you a beautiful smokey eye with just the right amount of shimmer. I also use it as an eyeliner.

So far I've really been impressed with this line, and I think I'm going to try the concealer and foundation next so look for the reviews!

I'm Moving!

2008-01-18T06:12:00.000-06:00

I finally found a new apartment in Little Rock, and I'll be moving the last week of February. I HATE moving, so I'm going to make my brother and his friends move me (yes you are Justin, Scott, & Nick) while I shop for new furniture and stuff. So I went to Pottery Barn last week, and I've decided to decorate in a Tuscan villa-ish style with lots of color.

My kitchen has black granite counters and stainless steel appliances, so I've decided to go with orange for the kitchen. I ordered some beautiful orange, yellow & green dishes from a lady I work with, and I'll post pictures when they come in.

For the dining room, I'm going to decorate around a chandelier I bought but never used. It's a white wrought iron lamp with purple, pink, amber, and clear rosettes. I got it from Lamps Plus and here's a picture:

Here are my new dining room table and chairs:

Although the dining room is separate from the kitchen, I wanted the rooms to flow well, so I got the black wrought iron chairs to go with the kitchen and the white cushions to go with the chandelier. If I can find some I like, I want either purple or amber glass dinnerware for the table.

I'm going to decorate my living room in green, yellow, red, & orange. I haven't decided on a couch yet. White would really look good, but I don' think I want white with the puppies around. Slipcovers may be an option, but I don't know yet. Anyway, here are the pillows & throws I got for the sofas & chairs:

I also got these cute little jugs and some glass vases to put flowers and plants in.

For the living room wall, I got several sets of these dishes,

and I'm going to hang them on the wall overlapping each other but at different distances from he wall which makes it 3D looking. It's gorgeous!

I haven't thought about the bathrooms and bedrooms yet, but I know I want this linen cabinet for my bathroom:

I'm thinking green and white for my room because it will look really pretty with the dark wood, but I haven't completely made up my mind yet. I'll post my new stuff and ideas later.

Bond No. 9

2008-01-17T12:50:00.000-06:00

I have completely fallen in love with the Bond No. 9. This fragrance line pays homage to New York City as every perfume is named after an area or street there. I've read many awesome reviews of this perfume house, but never really tried it mostly because I couldn't find any place in Arkansas that sold it. Well, I finally found Powder & Smoke in West Little Rock after lots of internet searching, and they sold the complete collection. After an hour of perfume chat with little old saleslady (she was so cute and had an adorable white shi tzu puppy), I couldn't make up my mind if I wanted Chinatown or Chelsea Flowers. So I got them both!

Chinatown is my favorite Bond scent with notes of peach blossom, gardenia, tuberose, patchouli, & cardamom. It's very spicy and perfect for winter. It also lasts a long time and smells even better the longer I wear it.

Chelsea Flowers is another favorite with notes of white hyacinth, white peony, musk, & dewy fresh-picked blooms. It's very soft and feminine.

These perfumes tend to be expensive, but they are well worth it especially if you have a passion for perfume. You can check out all of the scents and order off their website if you don't have a store near you at Bond No. 9 .

TheBalm & Lip Lingerie

2008-01-17T12:27:00.000-06:00

I recently purchased a beatiful eye pallette and a hot new lip gloss from two brands I've never used before. TheBalm has some of the best eyeshadow I've ever used. I love it even more thatn MAC and Too Faced. The pallette I bought is called BalmVoyage - one of Sephora's beauty must-haves.

The colors include Shady Lady Eyeshadow in Luscious Lani, Shady Lady shadow/liner in Caught in the Act Courtney, and Hot Mama Shadow/Blush along with an adorable luggage tag to make your suitcase stand out in the crowd. My favorite shade is Caught in the Act Courtney which is a dark brown with gold shimmer. It's perfect for making smokey eyes, and I sometimes use it as eyeliner. I've been wearing it everyday for a week. It's just beautiful. You can find all TheBalm products at Sephora.

I also picked up some new lip gloss from Dianne Brill's line, Lip Lingerie. I bought Camisole Ribbon a beautiful sheer pink.

The gloss is very long-lasting, and it makes your lips so soft. And it smells like peaches. You can check out Dianne's line here: Dianne Brill Cosmetics

I will definitely be buying more from TheBalm & Dianne Brill, and I'll post reviews of those later.

What The F, Bill?

2008-01-17T08:20:00.000-06:00

So, I came across this story yesterday:

Bill Gates, Antichrist

Is this fucker serious? I can't even get my mind around how a computer could monitor your brain, body temperature, & facial expressions. How does that even work? Do you have to have be hooked up to electrodes or those little heart montior sticker things they put on you in the hospital then plug them into the computer? How the fuck can you do your job with wires all over you? You couldn't even move. I would be so distracted by the wires, I wouldn't even be able to do anything. Everybody would be so pissed off and frustrated all the time. Second, who would approve this patent? Well, maybe Bush would, but thank God he will be out of office this year, and he won't be able to slip this one into the Patriot Act. What the hell is wrong with people? What kind of insecure control freak would even want to do this to people? Bill, you're insane.

Nerdy douche. Go shit in your hat!

Useless Crap Around the House

2007-12-24T13:41:00.000-06:00

I was cleaning up a little yesterday, and I noticed how much useless crap I had cluttering up the place. I put some pictures of it up on my myspace. I'll be adding more pics as I come across more useless shit.

JennJenn's Myspace

Ooooh, Random Crap

2007-12-17T22:16:00.000-06:00

Have you been to Listverse? It's a nice site with lots of weird top ten lists, and it's great to read if you're bored or whatever. Right now my favorite list is Top 10 Bizarre Mental Disorders since I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdwn. After reading this, I realized my life isn't so bad because, hey, I don't have Cotard Disease!

Oh look! It's the Top 8 Levels of Scientology. Jesus Christ, these people are apeshit out of their minds. How does a logical, rational person believe in this crap? But then again, Christianity wants us to believe a lady turned into a pillar of salt, people could live to be 972 years old, and some guy lived inside a whale for a while. But then again the Scientology poster boy is this douche:

Christianity wins.

This list might come in handy for some of you. It's the Top 10 Prison Survival Tips!. I'm so glad I found this one. Now I know not to hang with punks and to keep my damn mouth shut when serving my time. I'm all fucking set!

Anyways, some of the lists on Listverse are really funny and interesting. Visit if you're bored.

Essie Holiday Collection

2007-12-16T14:24:00.001-06:00

The Holiday Collection from Essie is finally out! This would make an awesome Christmas present for any girl, ESPECIALLY ME. The colors include Showstopper is a sparkly, deep-berry shade flecked with gold glitter, Steel-ing the Scene is a burnished pewter-silver, shimmery shade, Who's She Red is a classy and sophisticated satin-finished crimson, and Wrapped in Rubies is a burgundy polish flecked with warm-golden sparkles. I have to have this.

Best Documentary Ever!

2007-12-15T21:20:00.000-06:00

MTV recently aired "Return to Fat Camp" which is the most goodest documentary ever. It follows several kids on their quest for weigt loss at a fat camp somewhere. It's a smorgasboard of low self-esteem, tears, salads, and fat kids trying to get out of exercising. I love to watch and laugh at their tears while eating Doritos and Snickers. If you didn't catch it, Rich from FourFour has an amazing recap here:

Return of the Fatties

My favorite fattie is Diane. She is my angel, and she reminds me of my childhood best friend Joy Mente both physically and personality-wise. They are both lovely combinations of insecurity, whining, lethargy, apathy, and social awkwardness. I clearly have a problem picking friends. Here is Diane's picture. Her body language says it all.

I found some highlights of the goddess Diane from the first "Fat Camp" documentary on youtube. This sums up enigma that is Diane:

So what did I learn from this documentary? Well, fat camps don't work, don't ask anyone to help you out of a lawn chair, crazy people like "Sweet Home Alabama", and even fat people hate fat people. Yay.

Bath & Body Works Sensual Amber

2007-12-15T20:28:00.000-06:00

I love BBW's Sensual Amber! It's the perfect fragrance for winter. Fragrance top notes are Bergamot, Wild Berries, Succulent Plum; fragrance mid notes include White Rose NP, Orange Flower NP, Lotus Petals, Iris NP; and fragrance base notes: are Amber, Creamy Sandalwood, Vanilla, Patchouli, Praline, Musk Captive. I got both the eau du toillette

as well as the body shimmer.

I can't get enough of this scent.

New MAC Make-Up

2007-12-15T19:45:00.000-06:00

I finally got around to checking out the Holiday and Antiquitease Collections from MAC. I was surprised how much I loved these colors! Usually MAC make-up is way too harsh and drag-queenish, but the Holiday Collection is just perfect.

I got the eyeshadow duo in Famiy Silver. It as a medium and light silver shimmer with veins of gold running throughout. It's beautiful!

I also got the Curiositease: 5 Cool Lipglass and Lustreglass. In MAC's Holiday Antiquitease collection, this mini colour set comes in a textured cream paper cylinder embellished with a silver royal crown motif. Inside are the cool-toned shades of Be Seen, a low profile white pink with gold pearl; Spirited, a pink champagned taupe, and Nymphette Lipglass, a sunned gold pink; and Star Nova, a demi-tone mauve with pearl and Flashmode Lustreglass, a fuchsia flashed up with white sparkle pearl.

The Holiday and Antiquitease Collections are definitely worth picking up. You can order through MAC Cosmetics or at any Dillard's or Parisian stores.

My Favorite Third World Fag

2007-11-11T20:49:00.000-06:00

Bryan Boy is truly fagulous. Check the blog bitches.

Bryan Boy

My New Obsession: Guidos!

2007-11-09T18:50:00.000-06:00

I was blissfully unaware of the guido until I watched a "Growing Up Gotti" marathon while recovering from surgery and a tad hopped up on Vicodin. I remember thinking that, surely, these asshats aren't real. I was wrong. "Growing Up Gotti" is a reality show,and this clip pretty much sums up their embarrassing existance:

To quote Paddington, I've never wanted to bite someone's face as much as I've wanted to bite the fake-tanned cheeks of the guido. However, as much as I'm disgusted, I am completely fascinated. Living in Arkansas, I've never been exposed to such douchebaggery since guidos are indiginous to Long Island, Staten Island, New Jersey, and the surrounding areas. But just living in these areas does not make one a guido. "Guido" is mostly a state of mind and a lifestyle. A useless, retarded, shallow lifestyle.

So what is a guido? Many are Italian-Americans seemingly born into this, but some of these morons actually choose to look like this. Like this guy:

One can observe the guido in a strip mall tanning salon soaking up cancer rays until their skin has the same orange hue as Jessica Simpson or Lindsey Lohan,

...lovely...

meticulousy grooming their eyebrows,

making sure their hair spikes form a 90 degree angle with the head,
,

pretending to be in "The Sopranos",

and "floodin' da club" (jesus, I hate these douches)

in which the guido heads to the bar where he will order up a "sex on the beach" or a "long island iced tea" which he will use to wash down the tablet of ecstasy that he smuggled into the club. Once settled in, they will congregate in roving packs, a primitive ritual not unlike that of various species of primates. Then, the guido often removes his shirt to exhibit the rippling muscles and excessively tanned skin that the guidette finds irresistible. Guidos have also been known to smuggle bottles of baby oil into clubs and will apply it liberally to each other in the hopes of enhancing their muscularity.

Their love for hair gel,

tank tops,

sweat bands,

techno music, and shitty dancing

know no bounds. Where is Armagheddon when you need it?

The New Hotness

2007-11-09T08:07:00.000-06:00

White boy 'fros. Hot or Not?

Will Ferrell

Sam from The Opie and Anthony Show

Steve C. from The Opie and Anthony Show

That Kid from Superbad

Jack Osborne

Sideshow Bob

This dude

Bob Ross

This atrocious mess. I can't stop looking at him. He's revolting yet I can't take my eyes off him. He is the definition of ugly with absolutely nothing going for him.

This douche

Ol' Cotton Ball Head

And my personal favorite...the king of the 'fro...Phil Spector

They're irresistible. Who gets your vote?

Sephora Spree!

2007-11-09T05:07:00.000-06:00

I was sick last week and had to stay at home really bored, so I did a little online shopping at my favorite place in the world - Sephora! I wanted to try some new brands I've never used before (except for my DiorShow mascara which no other brand can touch). So, I decided to try Smashbox High Definition Healthy FX foundation, and I really like it. This foundation is often used on photoshoots, TV, movies, etc., and there's a wide range of shades making it easy to match your skin tone. Great staying power and goes on nicely.

I also got the Chanel Liquid Eyeshadow. You brush it on as a liquid and it dries to a powder. It's very shimmery. One of my new favorites (I got #60, it's a nice neutral brown).

Another new brand I tried is Laura Gellar. Since this winter is all about the green eyeshadow, I picked up the Sweet Pea duo, and it goes on beautifully. The lighter shade is shimmery, and the darker is a wearable green that's classy not clownish.

I'm not too impressed with the NARS powder. I like a little more coverage. Not really much to say about it except to not waste your money. The best powder by far is Bare Minerals. The quality is much better and so is the price.

However, NARS does make The Multiple which i LOVE. The Multiple is very versatile. You can use it as a blush/highlighter, a highlighter for the browbone, and I use my Maldives Multiple on my lips sometimes. There's a lot of shades to choose from and they last a long time, so it's worth the money.

The Multiple in "Maldives"

The Multiple in "Copacabana"

Benefit's Benetint is a lip/cheek stain that's been around since the '70s. It looks really red, but it actually goes on very sheer and is super easy to blend.

I like the NARS brand lipstick. I was looking for a nude shade and bought Belle du Jour. It's pretty and lasts a long time, but it's expensive. I actually like the Sephora brand lipstick better. It's goes on smoothly and tastes like strawberries. It lasts a long time too. And the price is much better than NARS.

"Belle du Jour"

One of my latest obsessions is body scrubs. I have tried all kinds - Bath & Body Works, DermaDoctor, Sephora, etc., but I like Body Delisse by Lancome the best. It smells great and my skin was still soft & smooth when I woke up this morning.

I also got the chance to sample Gwen Stefani's new scent "L", and I love it! This is one to add to the collection. It has a peachy floral smell with notes of Fresh Green Notes, Water Hyacinth, White Freesia, Fresh Pear, Violet Leaves, Jasmine Petals, Rose, Muget, Sweet Pea, Orange Blossom, Heliotrope Flower, Sensual Musk, Frangipani Blossom, Peach Skin.

I also love "Daisy" by Marc Jacobs. It's a very simple floral with notes of Strawberry, Violet Leaves, Ruby Red Grapefruit, Gardenia, Violet Petals, Jasmine Petals, Musk, Vanilla, White Woods.

I'll be posting more reviews soon!

I Am In Love With Perry Hilton

2007-11-09T01:04:00.000-06:00

It's Fall & Time To Shop!

2007-10-27T10:19:00.000-06:00

Here are the coats I want - how cute are they?

And here's a couple accessories & a top. I'm really into lace for some reason.

Your Blog Blows

2007-10-27T10:15:00.000-06:00

I have a new favorite website that makes fun of dumb blogs. Maybe I'll end up on there one day. Keep your fingers crossed!

Your Blog Blows

I Love This Dummy

2007-10-17T18:57:00.000-06:00

He really rocks out to his Joy Division. LOLOLOLOL.

O & A Animation

2007-10-11T19:16:00.000-06:00

Last week Opie and Anthony did hilarious bit about these awful sympathy cards. Here is the animation by Cokelogic. I love how Anthony says "pastels". Teehee.

Love It or Hate It?

2007-10-02T19:36:00.000-06:00

Kanye's child molester glasses are the hotness.

Are they? Ugh.

Sequel to Dick In A Box

2007-10-01T20:17:00.000-06:00

Here is the new digital short by Andy Samberg on SNL the other night. It's almost as funny as "Dick In A Box".

Iran So Far

Britney Lost The Babies Y'all!

2007-10-01T17:36:00.000-06:00

Are we surprised? Really?

In another sign that the Apocolypse is near, K-Fed won custody of the kids today after a judge found that he was more responsible parent (I can't believe I just typed that. Has hell frozen over? Jesus.) The speculation is that the judge was bothered by the drug and alcohol use of course, but he was also concerned about her hit and run charge and the driving the children without a license charge that came down last week. These kids don't have a chance - remember this gem documented forever and ever on the internet?

Pesonally, I think the court should just give custody of Jayden and Sean Preston to the Kid Nation cast.

See! Anjay can teach them how to use less electricity, how to make their own food when they get tired of Cheetos (if this is possible - who gets tired of Cheetos?), and Sophia can teach them the three dance moves that will get them through life (which we now know Britney never learned):

At least they'd learn something useful like survival skills they can use when they visit mommy or how not to wear manpris and flip flops with socks

or that razors are bad when you're hopped up on coke & wine coolers.

Hopefully, these two will get it together before they damage these kids for life. Check out TMZ for the latest news.

I Blame Marc Anthony

2007-09-26T16:51:00.000-06:00

J.Lo, what happened? You were my style icon, and you go out in public like this? Why, why, why? Is it Marc? Maybe you're pregnant and the thinking's a little clouded? Or you have Beyonce's mom as your new stylist?

This is a sin against the fashion gods. What? The? Fuck? Please tell me you owed Tina Knoweles a favor & had to wear this travisty.

I'm actually hoping she's having a pregnancy brain fart. I think I'm actually starting to believe the rumors that J.Lo's pregnant. Check out the loose dresses. This yellow one is really pretty, but it's so big on her. She's gotta be hiding a little secret.

But there is no excuse for this crap. It looks like she raided my closet and got one of my fanciest Lane Bryant ensembles.

I predict a J.Lo baby soon. Hopefully, it will take after her.

Please, God, let it take after her.

My New Hero

2007-09-25T10:13:00.000-06:00

If you didn't get a chance to see Columbia University's President Lee Bollinger's introductory speech for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, please click this link & watch (it's 15 minutes, but it's worth it).

A Giant Fuck You To Ahmadinejad

I really admire Mr. Bollinger for calling this douche out on Iran's injustices. At first, people were so angry for Mr. Bollinger to invite Ahmadinejad to have a forum for his do spew his lies and propaganda. As a strong believer in free speech, I completely agree with Mr. Bollinger. It's what this country fights for no matter how stupid or wrong society claims an opinion is. We the people can decide for ourselves whether we buy into whatever's being said, which is not allowed in Iran. Ahmadinejad is one of those people who is completely phony and tells people only what they want to hear.

I believe that Lee Bollinger's speech is one of the most honest speeches I've heard in a long time. Good for him to attack this monster who executes children and gay people, who claims to want democracy, who wants to wipe Israel off the map, and who denies the Holocaust to his face. And that takes guts. Bollinger's intro set the appropriate tone for this liar, and Ahmadinejad's statements proved him right ("We do not have homosxuals in Iran" - WTF??). I only wish our politicians had the balls to say what Bollinger said.

And is it me or does Mahmoud look like an Iranian George Bush (minus the Down Syndrome chacteristics) and the monster from the movie "Troll" (without the charm)?

Weird.

Role Models

2007-09-22T14:27:00.000-06:00

The Week In Fug

2007-09-19T19:01:00.000-06:00

I was going to do an Emmy Awards post, but I just remembered I didn't watch it because I really don't give a shit. But I do love checking out the dresses and makeup and stuff. I found so many pics of ugly people at other events this week that I just couldn't ignore, and oh my God do these people actually think they look good? Really? I think everyone was styled by Rachel Zoe - the anorexic, wrinkly skank who brought back the hideous ankle boots.

You have to have Down Syndrome to like these shoes. All these bitches need is the Pete Rose hair cut and a bag of paint chips for lunch.

I don't think I have ever seen such an orgy of fug.

Well, I'll start with the Emmy Awards. That stupid queen Ryan Seacrest hosted, and of course he looked like a complete tool. "Seacrest, Kill Yourself!"

Oh look y'all! It's Leelee Sobieski wearing her cloak of hideousness!

The fugness isn't just limited to women. I have no idea who he is, but he looks retarded. Was this guy in Weezer or maybe an MSNBC news guy? Who cares?

I'll give Kimora credit for not wearing leopard print for once, but her dress looks like a prom dress from the nineties. Not cute.

Here's Sandra Oh in the most boring ensemble of the night. You could throw this dress in front of a 4 year old with ADHD, and it would lull them into a catatonic episode. No jewelry, no detail on the dress. The least she could do is use the boobs as accessories with a push up bra. But no. She went with this.

And Kristen Bell gets second place for the boring award. Why would you wear a beach towel to the Emmy Awards?

Ugh. Cate Blanchett looks great from the neck up, but these colors together are just awful. I can honestly say that I've never seen these colors together, and I can honestly say I never want to see them again.

If you concentrate and stare for a few minutes, you can see CoCo Chanel rolling in her grave!

Oh and look! It's Sharon Stone with her exploding uterus...

...that sprayed all over Avril's stupid beehive. You're not Amy Winehouse. Put the teasing comb and hairspray down and walk away.

It gets worse. Check out Justine Bateman. Um, I don't know what to say except she probably made this herself and considers it a work of art, but in reality she looks like Bjork if she was raised in Iowa by a group of quilters.

But it could be worse. She could look like Jamie Lynn Sigler.

Or even worse, Debra Messing.

On A Serious Note

2007-09-18T18:49:00.000-06:00

I've been in such a weird mood lately - just plain sad. I went through my computer today to clean up my picture albums and found some of my dad and the rest of my family. Life is too fucking short. It makes me feel hopeless sometimes. It just so happens I found these lyrics today by Ani Di Franco about September 11th, and I got chills. It's called "Self Evident" and it's kind of long, but a really good read and put things in perspective for me. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me, but I'm really glad I found this today.

Self Evident

I Like "After The Rain" Myself

2007-09-17T19:11:00.000-06:00

I Have To See This One

2007-09-14T18:13:00.000-06:00

I just saw an article about Ryan Gosling's new movie on jezebel.com, and it sounds awesome. Don't you just love movies about bat-shit insane people? I do, I do! Click on the link to read about this masterpiece.

The Notebook...Part 2?

UPDATE: Holy shit I just found the trailer! This is gonna be hilarious. Everytime I think of that stupid doll falling over on the bed I start to giggle. The release date is October 12, and I predict this is gonna be movie of the year.

UPDATE #2: Ryan Gosling is a method actor, so do you think he banged the doll? I would say yes.

Winnieeeeeeee!

2007-09-14T07:14:00.001-06:00

Rich from FourFour's kitty Winston is too cute. Is it weird that I get this excited when he posts pictures or a video?

My New Hero

2007-09-13T20:55:00.000-06:00

Screw Sarah Silverman. I now have the utmost respect for Angelina Jolie. Yeah, yeah, she adopts orphans and helps refugees and crap, but this is so awesome:

My Bitch Brad

The Clusterfuck That Was The VMAs

2007-09-10T17:53:00.000-06:00

So, where to begin?

Well, the VMAs have officially jumped the shark. By now y'all know Britney opened the show. Ruben from That Other Blog pretty much summed up my feelings:

Britney's Failed Comeback

Watch the Britney fiasco and judge for yourself. I seriously got douche chills and had to turn away from the TV.

And what Britney post can be complete with out a coochie shot?

Ewww. Now I'm starting to feel sorry for her.

I hated the whole show except for Sara Silverman's bit. She's my new hero.

Sarah Silverman's Monologue

The whole show was so confusing with all the performances in different suites. It just didn't flow and was boring and filled with the most obnoxious people on the planet. We get it Kanye. You're too cool for the room with your dumb sunglasses.

Jackass. You look like Max Headroom from the 80s Coke commercials with extra melanin.

And does anyone buy this rivalry with 50 Cent? Yeah, me either. It's hard to take a man who stands on his tippie toes seriously.

And speaking of looking stupid, good God there was some ugly ensembles on these people. First off, who the fuck is Li'l Mama? You know, it doesn't matter - look what this bitch wore in public:

What's sad is she probably thought it looked good. But have oversized satin baby outfits really been in style? Have they?

And that rotten old queen John Norris finally fell out of the closet with his goddamn guyliner and frosted hair.

And who is this kid? His face is so smackable, and he looks like Shooter McGavin's kid.

So as far as red carpet fashion, it was mediocre. I didn't care for Beyonce's dress.

But at least she didn't wear this:

I guess there were a few highlights. I liked Chris Brown's, Rhianna's, Justin Timberlake's & Timbaland's performances.

And a few people classed it up -

Mrs. Affleck looked great although she was completely out of her element. Soccer moms shouldn't go to the VMAs.

And damn, Dr. Dre and 50 Cent looked fine as hell. Robyn & I added them to our fuckable black dude list.

However, this was my favorite part. They should've just showed this and rolled credits.

What do you think of the show?

Britney!

2007-09-09T18:47:00.000-06:00

Britney will be opening the VMAs in 10 minutes. Get your Cheetos & Red Bull ready!

Bitches Brew

2007-09-09T18:34:00.000-06:00

My nail polish this week is Bitches Brew by Deborah Lippmann. It's the perfect color for fall - kind of a deep wine color. You can purchase it here:

Lippmann Collection

Marc Jacob's Daisy Fragrance

2007-09-08T21:55:00.000-06:00

This is the next purchase for sure.

Enter the world of Daisy: fresh and feminine, with a playful innocence. At the heart of Daisy is a floral with vintage edge: violet. Sophisticated, with a touch of whimsy, violet captures the eclectic, vintage flavor of Marc Jacobs' feminine, edgy designs. Always elegant, always enchanting - but not too serious - Daisy is a sparkling floral bouquet, spirited and fresh, wrapped in comfort and warmth.

Notes: Strawberry, Violet Leaves, Ruby Red Grapefruit, Gardenia, Violet Petals, Jasmine Petals, Musk, Vanilla, White Woods.

Style: Bright. Alluring. Eternal.

Sounds beautiful. And I love the bottle.

Drunken Bitches

2007-09-08T21:37:00.000-06:00

Yay! Beer! Robyn & Marie love the sauce.

After a few, Twinkie likes to pop & lock to Britney Spears:

Steve Jobs Can Go Jump in a Puddle of AIDS

2007-09-08T19:37:00.000-06:00

In celebration of me getting screwed over by purchasing the iPhone early and paying $200 extra, here is a charming video about the iPhone starring Li'l Jimmy Norton. He's a huge fan of the iPhone too!

I'm Not Dead

2007-09-07T18:04:00.000-06:00

Hey y'all. Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'll be putting some new stuff up this weekend.

JenJen

I Think I Get It Now

2007-08-26T10:59:00.000-06:00

The bigger the hair, the smaller you look. I need one of these wigs.

Like, Thinking Is Hard and Stuff

2007-08-25T21:27:00.000-06:00

Well, apparently the Miss Teen USA Pageant was last night. Here is Miss South Carolina trying to explain why 20% of Americans can't find the United States on a map. Of course, I was fully expecting her to make an intelligent social commentary on the failing educational system and breakdown of the family in our country, but I was completely surprised to hear her response.

Seriously, what the fuck? I've watched this about 5 times, and I still don't know what's going on. Some people don't have maps? Really? That's the best you could do?

Someone needs to tie her to a tree, give a group of 4-year olds baseball bats, and tell them her head is filled with candy...and you know it is.

CB I Hate Perfume

2007-08-22T09:28:00.000-06:00

I got a few samples of fragrances by CB I Hate Perfume from The Perfumed Court. I noticed a lot of buzz about this perfume house on makeupalley.com, and before I bought a large bottle, I wanted to sample it & see how it smelled on me. The perfumer is Christopher Brosius (CB) who hates your average, boring perfume that everyone knows about. He likes to create unique, simple scents. I got samples for Tea Rose and Gathering Apples.

They smell so wonderful, and they smell just like their names suggest. And both dry down to soft scents. Most of the prices aren't too bad, and you can be sure you know what you're going to get because the names match the fragrance. I definitely plan on getting larger bottles of these.

Carnal Flower by Frederic Malle

2007-08-21T00:17:00.000-06:00

I ordered a sample of Carnal Flower from The Perfume Court because I had to smell it for myself after hearing such awesome reviews of it. And like everyone else, I love this fragrance. The tuberose note really dominates, but it also has notes of bergamot, melon, eucalyptus, ylang ylang, jasmine, orange blossom, coconut, & white musk. I also detect a hint of the Beach fragrance by Bobbi Brown.

If you don't like tuberose, then you won't like this fragrance, but I adore tuberose. I bought Fracas last year which is THE tuberose perfume, but I actually like Carnal Flower much better. It is much softer than Fracas and doesn't have that slight old lady's perfume scent.

I just can't stop smelling my wrist!

L by Gwen Stefani

2007-08-20T16:26:00.000-06:00

I'm really curious to try L by Gwen Stefani. It's on sale at Nordstrom's and is described as her debut fragrance—Gwen Stefani's iconic style goes beyond music, beyond fashion and beyond boundaries. Her signature fragrance is a fusion of masculine and feminine with a luscious floral scent that bursts with sparkling freshness and then wraps you in the warmth of sensual musks.

I'm not really a musk girl, so I wouldn't buy this one without trying it first. Has anyone smelled this yet?