Goodbye, Twinkers, My Love

So...I finally had to get rid of Twinkie, one of my little angels. I love him, but it's just not working out in this new apartment. I gave him to my aunt who I know will love him and take care of him, so I feel good about that. Sugar Bear just couldn't handle Twinkie's constant need to hump him as well as his habit of resting his balls on his face.

But I will miss you my Twinkers. We had some good times together. I loved the way you looked at me with complete stupidity and cluelessness,



and I will miss the way your tounge hung out the side of your mouth like the oversized tounge of a child with Down's Syndrome. I loved your fascination with lying on/next to my feet.



And I loved the way you provided me and my friends with hours of drunken entertainment. One has not truly experienced hilarity until they have seen you jump in a circle on your hind legs just to get a stupid Twizzler. God, you are dumb. But I love you.

However, it wasn't all shits and giggles. We had our trying times. Like the time you chewed up my favorite Coach bag, and then tried to go for my Prada. I am sorry for throwing said bag at you as I am sure the buckle hurt pretty bad, but you cannot comprehend how awesome these bags are. And then all of the pairs of shoes you ruined! I wish you could talk to me and tell me WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CHEW UP JUST ONE FUCKING SHOE AND LEAVE THE OTHER ONE THERE FOR ME TO JUST LOOK AT AND WANT TO WEAR BUT CAN'T?!?! FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK! It was pure torture.

Twinkie, I hope you love your new home in Mississippi. Be nice to Ricky Bobby,



don't fuck with his Cool Ranch Doritos, and try not to hump him too. He is very nice. Stay off highway, listen to Amanda, and dodge Uncle Ricky's beer bottles the best you can, as we all do.

Love,
Mommy

P.S. Sugar Bear wants me to tell you to die in a fire. He is still pissed about the attempted rape. That's not very nice. I'm sorry.