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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Most Time Consuming Way To Kill Yourself


An 81-year old man in Austrailia built a suicide robot from instructions off the internet to kill himself. I shit you not.

I want a suicide robot. Only I wouldn't kill myself. I would strategically place it in areas frequented by douchebags and assholes, aim, press the suicide button, and watch the hilarity ensue. And my God, I have so many questions!

1. Why would anyone go through the trouble to buy a gun only to build a robot to kill you with that same gun. Couldn't we just cut out the middleman (middlerobot?), grow some balls, and just pull the trigger yourself?

2. How does an 81-year old man know how to use the internets let alone download blueprints for his suicide robot and put this crap together? My Papaw is 70, and I had to show him how to retreive his voicemails on his cell. I had to do this about 4 times. But my Papaw also wears Hawaiian shirts


& shorts with black socks


and orthopedic shoes


and is a total narcoleptic.


I guess he spends his days creating ensembles that are abominations to the fashion gods and falling asleep in his lunch. He has no time for technology. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I do admire his ability to fall asleep anytime, anywhere. I still can't fall asleep after taking four Tylenol PMs. Lucky son of a bitch.

3. This guy set his robot up in his driveway at about 7 a.m. on a weekday and he shot himself via suicide robot. Please tell me he lives near a school bus stop.

4. I would like to know if you can program this thing to say Schwarzenegger or Dirty Harry lines right before it kills you so you can at least go out with a laugh.

5. Finally, how could his family not be aware that their 81 year-old relative was building a robot? Wouldn't they find this strange? Even if they were unaware it was a suicide robot? Didn't they notice like robot arms and feet everywhere or maybe even a robot head with some wires and circuits and shit all over the house and think it was a tad abnormal? That didn't raise any red flags?

If my family was this dumb, I would kill myself too.


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