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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Miss Gulag

Siberia has a Miss Gulag pageant. Yes, I said Miss GULAG!

It's a fucking beauty pageant for women prisoners. There are three categories in which they are judged: "Greek Goddesses", "Flower Gowns" (eww, tacky), and "Imaginary Uniforms" where each contestant designs their idea prison uniform.


This has to be one of saddest things I've ever heard of.

The most beautiful and the most creative prisoner wins the "Miss Spring" title and gets a tiara probably made from shit found around the prison like tin foil, toilet paper, and glitter from arts & crafts day.

Let's meet the contestants:


This is Natalya. She is 26 and enjoys long walks in the tundra (Long, long, long walks. Through the snow. For hours and hours. On a chain gang.) and pink dresses with lots of ruffles. Her ideal man must be comfortable with no physical contact for 5-10 years and making out with a pane of glass between them. She is a no nonsense gal who does not like to play games. Turn offs include subtle lip color, 23 hour work days, and any hair style after 1985.


This sexpot is Natasha. Turn ons: Willy Wonka glasses, assault rifles, and bangs that are plastered to one's forehead. She loves men wth a sense of humor and men who accept collect calls. Turn offs include freedom and waking up screaming in the middle of the night.


I don't this chick's name, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's Natasha. She enjoys belly dancing, all shades of orange, and sweating like a pig. She is looking for a man with a crobar, wire cutter, and hacksaw handy along with a death wish. Turn offs include eyes with any spark of life in them and people with souls.

My vote goes to Natalya. She likes pink and looks all shimmery, and I want to give her a makeover.


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