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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Miss Gulag

Siberia has a Miss Gulag pageant. Yes, I said Miss GULAG!

It's a fucking beauty pageant for women prisoners. There are three categories in which they are judged: "Greek Goddesses", "Flower Gowns" (eww, tacky), and "Imaginary Uniforms" where each contestant designs their idea prison uniform.

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This has to be one of saddest things I've ever heard of.

The most beautiful and the most creative prisoner wins the "Miss Spring" title and gets a tiara probably made from shit found around the prison like tin foil, toilet paper, and glitter from arts & crafts day.

Let's meet the contestants:

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This is Natalya. She is 26 and enjoys long walks in the tundra (Long, long, long walks. Through the snow. For hours and hours. On a chain gang.) and pink dresses with lots of ruffles. Her ideal man must be comfortable with no physical contact for 5-10 years and making out with a pane of glass between them. She is a no nonsense gal who does not like to play games. Turn offs include subtle lip color, 23 hour work days, and any hair style after 1985.

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This sexpot is Natasha. Turn ons: Willy Wonka glasses, assault rifles, and bangs that are plastered to one's forehead. She loves men wth a sense of humor and men who accept collect calls. Turn offs include freedom and waking up screaming in the middle of the night.

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I don't this chick's name, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's Natasha. She enjoys belly dancing, all shades of orange, and sweating like a pig. She is looking for a man with a crobar, wire cutter, and hacksaw handy along with a death wish. Turn offs include eyes with any spark of life in them and people with souls.

My vote goes to Natalya. She likes pink and looks all shimmery, and I want to give her a makeover.

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