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Monday, March 31, 2008

More Fun With Science Fair Pictures

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Oh how I love this kid. He looks like a total smartass. I can see it in his face that he fucking loves this project. He probably looks up the words "sphincter" and "anus" in the encyclopedia and looks at the pictures and giggles uncontrollably. You can just see the shit fetish forming in his mind. He loves his little bowl of shit and his shit volcano but resents the fact that he has to wear goggles because it ruins his connection with the shit. And looking at the pictures on his project, I understand Mr. Hanky, the chocolate starfish, and the brown eye, but what's with the Mr. Bojangles and Alexander Graham Bell pictures? Fucking weirdo. I'd definitely award him first place.

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Look how cute he is! He has a shit volcano too!

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Ok, this just scares me. Come play with us and our bowl JennJenn.

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No!

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I will give you honorable mention if you get any closer to me. And no one wants that boring white ribbon.

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OK, this one's fake but is completely relevant to the scientific community and should be studied. Do it for the kids.

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If I knew we could create Barbie death machines as a science project, I so would have done that. I had so many when I was little. I remember I used to have a red Barbie convertible and play "Car Crash Ken". My brother would always take my Ken doll or my Jordan Knight doll and rip one leg off or cut Jordan's rat tail off and hide their clothes. Sometimes I would take their heads off but lots of times I couldn't get them back on just right so they would pop off at random and inappropriate times. I would just have Barbie driving a naked, crippled, headless Ken everywhere. So, I would play car crash and push the car into the drainage ditch by my house. I was really into making the Barbie convertible go as fast as possible by running and pushing it on the ground then watch it sail into the ditch. It was just a flash of red then blonde Barbie hair flying through the air. It was hysterical. But one time, the ditch was filled with water (I was too dumb to even check first) and heard a splash instead of a thud when the car flew into the ditch. I ran to get my stupid dolls and my stupid car. All I could rescue was the car and the dolls except Ken's head popped off and floated into the culvert never to be seen again. So it would just be a naked, one-legged, beheaded Ken in the passenger seat. And since she totally resented that burden for having to drive his ass everywhere, I'd make Barbie kick Ken out of the car onto the road with her Barbie legs and just leave a that useless torso in the road to get run over by a car or carried off by the cat. It was so much fun.

I also invented a game called "Spaceship Crash" in which I would get my dad's hammer and nail Barbie to a frisbee and throw it in the road and wait for a car to come by and flatten the shit out of it. If I really wanted a laugh, I would run over it with my bike. An inefficient and painful death machine, but still an original one I think. I highly doubt Mattel even dreamed a kid would abuse these dolls in such a way.

I want so bad to go back and do all my science fair projects over again. But this time involve some combination of death and crap.

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