The Billy Letters

I found this story on Radar magazine's website, and I'm completely jealous that I didn't come up with this first. Fuck you and your brilliant idea Bill.

Basically, Bill pretended to be a 10 year-old and write famous people like Oprah, Dick Cheney, & Clarence Thomas asking them all kinds of shit from what's their favorite McDonald's breakfast to advice on life. Oh, and he also wrote Charles Manson, Richard Ramirez (the Night Stalker serial killer), Eric Menendez, and the Unabomber asking for their advice. Billy knows how to pick role models. He's going to go far in life.

I think the Charles Manson letters are my favorites only because I can just picture Chaz in his cell twitching away and writing letters full of nonsense and '60s slang, with stupid jive-like syntax that were pretty cool back in the day, but now are just laughable in a sad way.



However, I am disturbed by one thing. He likes to repeat words twice (ex:"win win" and "brok brok" in the last letter) which for someone named JennJenn is pretty scary. Maybe he's just a stutterer. If I ever snap and try to start a race war, please alert the authorities to this correlation, k thx?

And what's up with writing Eric Menendez? If you don't know about the Menendez brothers, they are the rich kids who killed their parents for money back in the '90s. I would've written Lyle because Lyles fascinate me.



What a boring name. It's worse than Kyle. I can't say the name Lyle without doing it condescendingly or without complete disgust in my voice. I think I would as Lyle if he ever knew anyone named Buffy and how he got his mullet to look so awesome in prison. Oh yes, and I'd ask him why he really killed his parents.

I think I was most surprised at the Night Stalker's letters. Richard Ramirez letter sounds like any random convo you would have with one of your high school guy friends. Just chattin' with the Night Stalker about chicks and movies!



What a charming guy!

And that Ted Kacynszki - what a no personality-having motherfucker.



You'd think someone who lived in a one room shack in the boonies for years just building bombs and writing rambling manifestos would have a some sort of imagination. But no, Ted was just all, I don't know you so I can't give you advice, blah, blah, whatever. And when a 10-year old asks you if he should drop out of school, HOW ABOUT A SIMPLE "NO", TED? JESUS.

But I've saved the best for last y'all. Li'l Billy wrote several politicians asking them random, inane shit, but that doesn't matter. What really matters is that they wrote back and SENT AUTOGRAPHED PICTURES FTW! I'm so going to write them just for the smokin' pix. How can you resist that hot piece of ass Alan Greenspan? I want Greenspan completely naked wearing only sock garters holding his black dress socks up while wearing penny loafers while I'm counting his liverspots all over his body. Now that's some hot ass right there.



Or the fucking Terminator? Ooh, what are you going to do with that gun? So, is that part robot or human? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, stupid. I'm going to punch you in the face, and you're going to like it.



Or that sexual chocolate Clarence Thomas? You bang that gavel motherfucker. BANG IT HARD! SHOW ME WHAT'S UNDER THAT ROBE!



OMG Dick Cheney. How I love your horseshoe haircut and child molester glasses. Dick, you are pure sex. We're going to play Drill Sargeant JennJenn, and you're my maggot. Now drop and give me 50, Dick, before I kick your teeth in.



I am going to collect their autographed pictures and create a shrine in my living room. I shall call it "The Wall O' Sex" and make out with their pictures on a daily basis. Thank you, Billy, thank you.