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Thursday, April 3, 2008

Kenton Stufflebeam

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Kenton Stufflebeam is an asshole. He's 11, but he's a fucking nudge know-it-all douche. I hate him.

It seems the Stufflebeams took a vacation to Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of Natural History, and li'l Kenton noticed that the musuem mistakenly identified the Precambrian period as an era. He and his dad filled out a comment card at the information desk to notify them of this grave error that needs the museum's full and immediate attention. I would love to be alone in a room with these two for 5-10 minutes. I think that would be enough time to strangle them with my bare hands and get a few kidney punches in. I want to make them cry.

Kenton Stufflebeam is one of those smug motherfuckers always going around correcting your pronunciation and grammar or asking you if you know stupid facts no one really gives a shit about but make him feel like he's the smartest boy alive because he knows them, and YOU DON'T! This kid is going to grow up to be just like my co-woker Gary and live in a world of boredom, suck, and abstinence.

I imagine Kenton Stufflebeam is the inspiration for Kyle Schwartz,



and he's one of those kids that is allergic to everything and will die if he comes within a 6 mile radius of a peanut and won't stop asking you dumb questions about dinosaurs and cartoons and shit.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE TROODONTIDS WERE THE SMARTEST DINOSAURS ALIVE?
No, I didn't.

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN TELL A DINOSAUR'S AGE BY COUNTING THE RINGS ON THEIR BONES LIKE A TREE?
Didn't know it, still don't care.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE TAILS OF SOME DINOSAURS COULD BE USEFUL IN ATTAINING A TRIPOD STANCE, WHICH WAS PROBABLY USED TO FORAGE VERY TALL VEGETATION AND FOR MATING?
They used their tails for mating? That's one subject you will never, ever know anything about.

DID YOU KNOW A T.REX HAD SHARP, POINTED TEETH USED FOR TEARING FLESH AND/OR CRUSHING BONES?
Yes, retard. Everyone knows that.

DID YOU KNOW THE DINOSAURS WERE KILLED BY AN ASTEROID THAT STRUCK THE EARTH 65 MILLION YEARS AGO?
I wish another one would hit us now. I would happily sacrifice my life and those of my friends and family just to get you off this planet and to end this one-way convo immediately.

MY FAVORITE CARTOON IS TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. WHAT'S YOUR'S?
My favorite cartoon is one that I created myself about the murder of a douchy family who can't just chill out and enjoy a nice museum exhibit. There's lots of pain and blood.

Get ahold of yourself, Stufflebeam. You need to relax or high school is going to blow donkey cock, and you'll die a virgin.

12 Comments:

At April 4, 2008 at 10:35 AM , Anonymous mo said...

Reminds me of my in-laws, right down to the allergies. I just want to scream "You win - you produced the only two perfect humans on the planet. Now go eat a piece of cheese and die!"

One day I will have my vengeance...

 
At April 4, 2008 at 11:13 AM , Blogger JennJenn said...

hahaha...i love u mo :)

 
At April 10, 2008 at 5:07 PM , Anonymous Pen Drive said...

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At April 14, 2008 at 9:24 PM , Blogger JennJenn said...

Hi pen drive. I'm glad you find my post likeable. I have never used that word to describe something, but I will now. It makes me happy.

 
At May 23, 2012 at 12:35 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey you fucking bitch. This kid is my cousin and let me tell you one thing. He is not anything you described in your post. He is a kind kid that loves to play sports. He had been recently studying the precambrian in school and listened but he is no smart ass. Get your priorities straight before posting bullshit. idiot.

 
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At February 13, 2013 at 8:55 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bitch

 
At May 3, 2013 at 8:13 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ill show you a stimulus package. My cock

 
At May 13, 2013 at 4:28 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want yer vagina so hard right now

 
At December 4, 2013 at 1:23 PM , Blogger Marlee Stufflebeam said...

ummm my brother is not some fucking nerd. He has a beautiful girlfriend so you can shut the fuck up. You guys discussed me talking about him like that.
Love Kentons sis

 
At December 4, 2013 at 1:24 PM , Blogger Marlee Stufflebeam said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At October 19, 2015 at 10:09 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're a horrible person and kenton stufflebeam is killing life as he now as a full time job with Ohio State recruiting department by age 18. What were you were doing when you were at age 18? Probably sucking balls in High School or getting super excited about prom

 

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