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Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Creepy Fucks

So I read today that this chick named Natasha Collins, who was the star of some British children's TV show called "See It, Saw It" accidentally killed herself when she OD'd on coke while sitting in a tub of scalding water which burned over 60% of her body.

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Genius. I'd be on coke 24/7 too if I had to wear that jackass ensemble the color of a McDonald's bathroom and a unitard that creates a constant concern for cameltoe.

I've always found these children's TV show host incredibly creepy. What grown man or woman really aspires to run around in ridiculous costumes, reciting dialog for 3 year-olds, and expressing only fake happiness and excitement all day? No wonder they turn to drugs, sexual deviance, suicide, and even homicide. This whole double life thing is fascinating.

I'll start with Pee Wee Herman.

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I think he's the most harmless. Yeah, Pee Wee's a little kinky. Sure he had the kid's show (which I loved when I was little), but his stand-up/stage act did have some sexual material in it. It was no surprise to me that he loves his porn, but who doesn't? However, he likes to jerk off in movie theaters which is technically against the law, but it was a porno movie theater for godssakes. If you go to see a porno in public, you know why you're there, you know why everyone else is there. What's the big deal if you wack off in the theater? Just watch the porn, jerk it, avoid eye contact, and go about your business. At least he wasn't watching Lilo & Stitch sitting beside li'l Timmy just crankin' it.

I also watched Mr. Rogers when I was a kid,

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but there was also something unnerving about this guy. Maybe it was a combination of the Salad Fingers voice, the weird puppets, helmet hair, and the cardigan fetish. I've never seen a man with so many cardigans in such an assortment of colors. I always enjoyed seeing what color cardigan he would wear each day. Anyway, I always thought Mr. Rogers was one bad day away from snapping and going on a killing spree.

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And then there's Steve from Blues Clues. I actually think Steve is a pretty normal guy and realizes what a massive FAIL his career has become. Look at this face:

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He's smiling, but you can tell he's just dead inside when you look in his eyes. He doesn't want to be a dopey kid show host. He had dreams of being an actor or something. Now he has to go to work everyday in an unflattering striped shirt with khaki pants and talk to a blue cartoon dog that isn't even real so he has to talk to a green screen and a camera all day. Jesus. How do these people do it? Anyway, I think he quit the show and was replaced by this douche:

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Underneath the pancake make-up, mismatched undereye concealer, and the purple sweater you know there's a world of hurt inside that noggin. I can't wait for this breakdown. I'm guessing he has a hankering for tranny whores, gay orgies, glittery eye make-up, and a bad case of OCD. And what happened to his cock and balls in that picture? I think someone actually took the time to photoshop them out. How immasculating.

Oooh, this is a good one! Remember the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? Well, Skylar Deleon (ew,how ghey) played bit parts on the show when it was on the air in the '90s, and here's his mugshot:

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Guess what he did!?!?!

Oh, he and his wife just tied an elderly couple to an anchor on their yacht and THREW THEM OVERBOARD WHILE THEY WERE STILL ALIVE in order to hijack said yacht. He is also accused in the second case of luring a man to Mexico in December of 2003, slitting his throat, and leaving the body by the side of a road. Nice job nutcase.

I love these psychos so much. I'm sure I'm overlooking a few other messes, but I'm really looking forward to the next meltdown.

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