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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Glossip Times!

Hi y'all! Sorry it's been awhile since my last post. I've written a few blogs on my myspace if you haven't seen those already. Be sure to check there if I haven't updated for a while. Anyway, here's some of my commentary on some recent entertainment stories. Glossip FTW!

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Singer Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz from the band "Fallout Boy" (ew) got married last weekend. And it was also revealed that they are expecting a baby. Awww, what a lucky little baby...wow, think of all the talent you will inherit....oh wait, your mom is only famous because your stupid, vapid aunt doesn't know what tuna fish is made out of even though it is clearly stated in the name, and your daddy can sport eyeliner like an experienced drag queen and has awful emo hair for which he should be executed. Yeah, I wouldn't count on the talent thing.

If worse comes to worse, you can always go to college to be a doctor, lawyer, or a successful businesswoman. But if God hates you and you get the IQ of your Aunt Jessica, Wal-Mart and IHOP are always hiring! And when Grandpa Joe starts talking about your boobs, it's time to hit the bricks before you get sucked into your family's weird, incestuous clusterfuck of lies, lip-syncing, embarrassment, stupidity, & failure. I can honestly say you would be better off being raised by a retarded chimp, a wooden pickle, and a shoe. But good luck, little fella!

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Ooooh, John Mayer & Jennifer Aniston were spotted making out in a hotel pool and have since been seen together around New York. It looks like romance! I kind of like John Mayer. His music is kind of boring, but he's a pretty funny guy. So, what would he want with a weepy, rotten-wombed, annoying, yenta with the sex appeal of a foot? I don't get it. Can you imagine the sex? Just her nonstop whining and laying there on her back bitching, "Are you done yet? Ouch, you're on my hair! But I don't like to be on top." OH MY GOD I WOULD SMUSH HER FACE IN A PILLOW TO DROWN OUT THE WHINING TIL I WAS DONE. I SO couldn't be a guy. I'd end up in jail for domestic battery or possibly second degree murder. Annoying, whiny, frigid bitches are the worst. GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, MAYER, AND GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.

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Carmen Electra is coming out with some new striptease workout DVDs, "Vegas Strip" and "In the Bedroom", and is also releasing her new product in addition to the DVDs: the portable stripper pole. I'm not getting a good feeling with this. This product is going to be the downfall of Carmen's career. It's all going to end badly. The portable stripper pole is only going to bring her lawsuits from bored housewives who received spinal cord, back, and head injuries while trying to do "the helicopter" for their sexually frustrated, disinterested husbands who are already getting handies on the side from a real stripper/prostitute. I predict Better Business Bureau complaints, multiple class action lawsuits, , and neverending trial coverage on CourtTV and Nancy Grace.

I also fear Carmen Electra's stripper will set off Armageddon & bring about the downfall of civilization. If this stripper pole is portable, and you are allowed to bring it on planes, it can easily be used as a weapon used to crack some serious skull like The Bride in Kill Bill, impale people, or kill people with some other god-awful method. Terrorists are psychotic, but resourceful, so I'm sure they could develop some insane ways to kill with the Carmen Electra Portable Stripping Pole. All I can imagine is mass shipments of stripper poles to caves in Tora Bora and Al-Qaeda training camps, and terrorists being trained to use them on mountain goats or some dude sentenced to death for looking at a woman's knuckle in order to launch a large-scale 9/11-style attack on the world. IF YOU START SELLING THIS PRODUCT, CARMEN, THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON! DON'T DO IT & SAVE THE WORLD!

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So, guess who got her own reality show? It's Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan's mom. Cameras will be following Dina and her youngest child, Ali, as she manages Ali's career and showing her just being a regl'r mom. SEE! CELEBRITIES ARE JUST LIKE US!

God help us. Now instead of just her kids, the whole world can witness her lack of parenting skills and an inside look at the glamorous life of a mediocre stage mom! Exciting topics that will be addressed include:

how to achieve your own career aspirations vicariously through your 10-year-old
how to party like you're 19 again
how to tell your kids daddy is going to prison
how to get that fabulous, orange, fake bake tan
how to enable your child's drug habit
how to get your underage child alcohol and get away with it cuz you're famous
how to lie to the media with a straight face
how to psychologically manipulate your child and fuck her up forever
how to be your child's best friend because parenting is overrated anyways

This family's trainwreck of a story is going to end so much better than Britney's. The Lohan Express isn't just going to derail! NO, it's going to careen through a brick wall at 200 miles an hour, fly off a cliff, roll end over end for a few miles, slide to a grinding halt, catch on fire with all passengers on board burning alive, explode, then kill a few more people with flying shrapnel, release toxic chemicals into the air from the fire, evacuate several towns in a 300 mile radius, kill all plant and animal life in said area creating a permanently contaminated Chernobyl-like dead zone complete with soil and groundwater contamination, chromosomal abnormalities, and birth defects for years to come. I'm talking arms growing out of foreheads and thumbs on elbows freaky shit. You get the picture. I don't know about you, but I can't fucking wait!

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18-year-old Rob Knox died early Saturday morning after being shivved outside a bar in southwest London when he tried to defend his little brother over a missing cell phone. Knox was to play Ravenclaw student Marcus Belby in "Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince" which is slated for release in November. You know what? Fuck Harry Potter and his wizardry. WHILE YOUR FRIEND IS BEING SHANKED IN A BAR, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? SIPPING YOUR NON-ALCOHOLIC DAQUIRI WITH YOUR BOWL CUT , YOU NUTLESS BOY-WIZARD? HOW ABOUT WAVE THAT FAGGOTY WAND AROUND OR SPRINKLE SOME PIXIE DUST OVER HIS WOUND YOU DOUCHE? FUCK HARRY POTTER IN HIS FUCKING ASS! I HATE THAT BESPECTACLED FAGGOT!

Ok, I'm completely disgusted with celebrities now, so this is gonna end right now. Love u guys!

1 Comments:

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