You, Sir, Are a Douche

After this turd of a day I've had, I've decided I'm going to start a new series in my blog. I've titled it "You, Sir, Are a Douche". I have dedicated my first installment to my co-worker Gary. Gary, you, sir, are a douche.

Oh, where to begin on this little angel. Well, Gary is in his fifties and is a sexy combo of Bill Lumberg



with a Ron Burgundy mustache



and in perpetual need for a hair cut. He also has a ridiculous soul patch



and the personality of Mr. Van Driesen.



Yes, he was a hippie back in the day. :shudder:. And he wears nothing but navy blue slacks



and plaid shirts.



And he power walks everywhere. I hate people who power walk. What's the fucking rush? Calm the fuck down, ass.

So here's what I've learned from my 5 HOUR interaction in which he had to show me how he did his report thingy in Microsoft Access. It was 5 hours I will never get back. I SERIOUSLY WANTED TO DIE. In order to block out this excruciatingly painful convo, I just concentrated on ways I could kill myself using objects in his cubicle. I contemplated the phone cord,



but i couldn't find anything I could hang myself from. The next best thing was this wire folder holder



with which I could puncture my carotid artery. But that would be too painful. Whatever, it doesn't matter. I'm just going to bring Patron to work and do shots before I have to deal with him.

So, Gary is a vegan who pretty much only eats junk food and herbal teas (homo). He came to work with this huge bandage over his eye from where he passed out in the grocery store and hit his head. He believes he passed out because the only thing he ate that day was Skittles



and Pixie Sticks.



God he's so smart.

Also, Gary obsessed with colors. I swear to you, he went off on a 15 minute diatribe on his "color philosophy". Gary is a firm believer in "using color to stimulate the creative process". True or not, it's still stupid. Instead of getting into the exciting world of Microsoft Access, I had to suffer through him showing me how he turned his database borders different colors and the title bars on his tables and queries different colors. I almost started crying as I was writing my two weeks' notice in my head. And let me add that he likes to press the "enter" key in a dramatic fashion to bring home the point that he fucking finished his report. Microsoft motherfuckin' Access FTW! He also has an unhealthy obsession with the underscore key. Here is an actual title of a table he completed:

tbl_CIMS_SQL_Feb_tasksperhour_salary_final

If it doesn't have an underscore key, it blows donkey cock right, Gare Bear? I_hate_you_and_your_underscore_key.

I need drugs and a new job.