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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Glossip Times!

Hi y'all! Sorry it's been awhile since my last post. I've written a few blogs on my myspace if you haven't seen those already. Be sure to check there if I haven't updated for a while. Anyway, here's some of my commentary on some recent entertainment stories. Glossip FTW!


Singer Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz from the band "Fallout Boy" (ew) got married last weekend. And it was also revealed that they are expecting a baby. Awww, what a lucky little baby...wow, think of all the talent you will inherit....oh wait, your mom is only famous because your stupid, vapid aunt doesn't know what tuna fish is made out of even though it is clearly stated in the name, and your daddy can sport eyeliner like an experienced drag queen and has awful emo hair for which he should be executed. Yeah, I wouldn't count on the talent thing.

If worse comes to worse, you can always go to college to be a doctor, lawyer, or a successful businesswoman. But if God hates you and you get the IQ of your Aunt Jessica, Wal-Mart and IHOP are always hiring! And when Grandpa Joe starts talking about your boobs, it's time to hit the bricks before you get sucked into your family's weird, incestuous clusterfuck of lies, lip-syncing, embarrassment, stupidity, & failure. I can honestly say you would be better off being raised by a retarded chimp, a wooden pickle, and a shoe. But good luck, little fella!


Ooooh, John Mayer & Jennifer Aniston were spotted making out in a hotel pool and have since been seen together around New York. It looks like romance! I kind of like John Mayer. His music is kind of boring, but he's a pretty funny guy. So, what would he want with a weepy, rotten-wombed, annoying, yenta with the sex appeal of a foot? I don't get it. Can you imagine the sex? Just her nonstop whining and laying there on her back bitching, "Are you done yet? Ouch, you're on my hair! But I don't like to be on top." OH MY GOD I WOULD SMUSH HER FACE IN A PILLOW TO DROWN OUT THE WHINING TIL I WAS DONE. I SO couldn't be a guy. I'd end up in jail for domestic battery or possibly second degree murder. Annoying, whiny, frigid bitches are the worst. GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, MAYER, AND GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.


Carmen Electra is coming out with some new striptease workout DVDs, "Vegas Strip" and "In the Bedroom", and is also releasing her new product in addition to the DVDs: the portable stripper pole. I'm not getting a good feeling with this. This product is going to be the downfall of Carmen's career. It's all going to end badly. The portable stripper pole is only going to bring her lawsuits from bored housewives who received spinal cord, back, and head injuries while trying to do "the helicopter" for their sexually frustrated, disinterested husbands who are already getting handies on the side from a real stripper/prostitute. I predict Better Business Bureau complaints, multiple class action lawsuits, , and neverending trial coverage on CourtTV and Nancy Grace.

I also fear Carmen Electra's stripper will set off Armageddon & bring about the downfall of civilization. If this stripper pole is portable, and you are allowed to bring it on planes, it can easily be used as a weapon used to crack some serious skull like The Bride in Kill Bill, impale people, or kill people with some other god-awful method. Terrorists are psychotic, but resourceful, so I'm sure they could develop some insane ways to kill with the Carmen Electra Portable Stripping Pole. All I can imagine is mass shipments of stripper poles to caves in Tora Bora and Al-Qaeda training camps, and terrorists being trained to use them on mountain goats or some dude sentenced to death for looking at a woman's knuckle in order to launch a large-scale 9/11-style attack on the world. IF YOU START SELLING THIS PRODUCT, CARMEN, THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON! DON'T DO IT & SAVE THE WORLD!


So, guess who got her own reality show? It's Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan's mom. Cameras will be following Dina and her youngest child, Ali, as she manages Ali's career and showing her just being a regl'r mom. SEE! CELEBRITIES ARE JUST LIKE US!

God help us. Now instead of just her kids, the whole world can witness her lack of parenting skills and an inside look at the glamorous life of a mediocre stage mom! Exciting topics that will be addressed include:

how to achieve your own career aspirations vicariously through your 10-year-old
how to party like you're 19 again
how to tell your kids daddy is going to prison
how to get that fabulous, orange, fake bake tan
how to enable your child's drug habit
how to get your underage child alcohol and get away with it cuz you're famous
how to lie to the media with a straight face
how to psychologically manipulate your child and fuck her up forever
how to be your child's best friend because parenting is overrated anyways

This family's trainwreck of a story is going to end so much better than Britney's. The Lohan Express isn't just going to derail! NO, it's going to careen through a brick wall at 200 miles an hour, fly off a cliff, roll end over end for a few miles, slide to a grinding halt, catch on fire with all passengers on board burning alive, explode, then kill a few more people with flying shrapnel, release toxic chemicals into the air from the fire, evacuate several towns in a 300 mile radius, kill all plant and animal life in said area creating a permanently contaminated Chernobyl-like dead zone complete with soil and groundwater contamination, chromosomal abnormalities, and birth defects for years to come. I'm talking arms growing out of foreheads and thumbs on elbows freaky shit. You get the picture. I don't know about you, but I can't fucking wait!


18-year-old Rob Knox died early Saturday morning after being shivved outside a bar in southwest London when he tried to defend his little brother over a missing cell phone. Knox was to play Ravenclaw student Marcus Belby in "Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince" which is slated for release in November. You know what? Fuck Harry Potter and his wizardry. WHILE YOUR FRIEND IS BEING SHANKED IN A BAR, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? SIPPING YOUR NON-ALCOHOLIC DAQUIRI WITH YOUR BOWL CUT , YOU NUTLESS BOY-WIZARD? HOW ABOUT WAVE THAT FAGGOTY WAND AROUND OR SPRINKLE SOME PIXIE DUST OVER HIS WOUND YOU DOUCHE? FUCK HARRY POTTER IN HIS FUCKING ASS! I HATE THAT BESPECTACLED FAGGOT!

Ok, I'm completely disgusted with celebrities now, so this is gonna end right now. Love u guys!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

My New Obsession

I was so happy when I saw that Sgt. Caroline Mason


was named Dlisted.com's Hot Slut of the Week. I am so proud of her! Sgt. Caroline Mason is my favorite person in the world right now, and she's on my most favorite show, "The First 48". This is a reality show on A&E following homicide detectives in cities all over the country as they try to solve murder cases, and Ms. Caroline is one of the homicide detectives from Memphis that the show follows. She is the cutest thing ever, and is not only a sassy, ghetto fabulous bitch, but a damn good cop who can get a confession from the hardest gangbanger and reduce him to to tears. I LOVE HER!

via Dotspotter

The thing I love most about Sgt. Mason is her ability hunt down a murderer all while looking glam & fabulous. I want to be just like her. I think we would make the best partners ever! And Sugar Bear could be in the K-9 Unit and be our attack dog/mascot. Sugar Bear is really protective of me and will not hesitate to bite your ankles if you try to touch me, my jewelry, or most importantly, my Louis Vuitton. I also think we need a rookie for assistance, preferably a gay one


who is skilled with a Bedazzler


to adorn our walkie-talkies, guns, badges, and our awesome squad car


with sparkles, glitter, and stickers. And he has to love puppies because Sugar Bear needs to be brushed, cuddled, and fed chicken nuggets while Mommy and Auntie Caroline are coercing a confession from the bad guys using only our wit, charm, and occasionally, a phone book and/or a threat of a spike heel on the ol' ball bag. Our rookie should also have an extensive knowledge of the Destiny's Child, Whitney Houston, & Salt-N-Pepa music catalogs as we will need empowering theme music for situations we encounter throughout the day. And she SO has to teach me the gangsta lean:

So, what have I learned from my idol?

Trendy ensembles + fabulous hair + street smartz - sensible shoes = most awesome detective ever!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Horror Movie Extravaganza Marathon Weekend Blowout Spectacular


some girl ran a stop sign and hit me totaling my car, and I'm bored and depressed. All I've done this weekend is lay on my couch and watch scary movies and eat delicious Cap'n Crunch. I miss my car. I love my car. I want it back. My rental car blows. To my little G6, I will never forget you. I will make sure to visit you at Co-Part Salvage Yard at least once a week until you are turned into scrap metal. I will bring you cans of motor oil, little pine tree air fresheners, and other trinkets of that sort to place on your "grave".

In Memoriam
JennJenn's Sweet Ride
Sometime in 2006 - May 4, 2008


Anyway, here's a list of movies I watched this weekend & loved:

The Orphanage - This was such a good movie. It's in Spanish, so it has subtitles which sucked, but the story was awesome. This woman named Laura returns to the orphanage where she is raised in hopes of turning it into a home for retards. How touching. Soon, she starts seeing the ghosts of her childhood friends and her son goes missing, and she's convinced the ghosts had something to do with it. The rest of the movie shows Laura trying to contact these dead kids in hopes of finding her son. I loved the bittersweet ending, and little kid ghosts in weird "Eyes Wide Shut"-type masks always = scary.

The Evil Dead - A classic! Five friends go on vacation to a cabin in the woods which are haunted by evil spirits. They find The Book of the Dead, and resurrect these demons who go on to possess some of the characters. There is lots of blood, gore, monsters, and awful acting and dialogue making it one of the best scary movies ever.

Solstice - This was a pretty good one even if it was a lot like Gothika. Dead girl gets revenge on the people that killed her. The only thing not mediocre is the dead girl. She's pretty scary. Everytime I saw her I though I thought about the cover of Anne Rice's book "Merrick"


which always creeped me out.

I Spit On Your Grave - This writer chick rents a house in the middle of nowhere to finish her novel, but instead, she is gangraped and almost killed by 3 hicks and the town retard. So what does she do? Nope, doesn't call the cops. She gets revenge FTW! She methodically lures, traps, and kills her attackers. Make sure to look for the bathtub scene. I LOL'd.

One Missed Call - I really can't remember most of this movie, so i guess it sucked. But the ringtone of the calls in the movie have been stuck in my head for days.

Apocalypto - Holy shit was this awesome. And bloody. It's about a tribe captured for human sacrifices by the Mayans. The movie follows a warrior named Jaguar Paw who is captured and eventually escapes the Mayans to go save his family. And it has the best heart ripping out scene since Indiana Jones.

Teeth - Two words: Vagina Dentata. Google that shit.

The Hitcher - One of the coolest car crash scenes ever set to "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. Th hitcher is one of the most psychopathic killers since the chick in High Tension, Hannibal Lecter, and Prince Valliant haircut guy in No Country for Old Men.

Ugh, I'm just sick over my car. This blows.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Le-er U

I love British rockers. Not for their musical talent, of course, but because they are hot messes (Pete Dogherty, I'm talking to you), they are fun drunks, they don't pronounce the "t" in the middle of words, and they have a propensity to fight anyone and everything, even a puppet shaped like the letter (or le-er) "U". My favorite part is the little girl's reaction at the end. Yes, honey, I know. We all feel that way about these clowns.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

The Billy Letters

I found this story on Radar magazine's website, and I'm completely jealous that I didn't come up with this first. Fuck you and your brilliant idea Bill.

Basically, Bill pretended to be a 10 year-old and write famous people like Oprah, Dick Cheney, & Clarence Thomas asking them all kinds of shit from what's their favorite McDonald's breakfast to advice on life. Oh, and he also wrote Charles Manson, Richard Ramirez (the Night Stalker serial killer), Eric Menendez, and the Unabomber asking for their advice. Billy knows how to pick role models. He's going to go far in life.

I think the Charles Manson letters are my favorites only because I can just picture Chaz in his cell twitching away and writing letters full of nonsense and '60s slang, with stupid jive-like syntax that were pretty cool back in the day, but now are just laughable in a sad way.


However, I am disturbed by one thing. He likes to repeat words twice (ex:"win win" and "brok brok" in the last letter) which for someone named JennJenn is pretty scary. Maybe he's just a stutterer. If I ever snap and try to start a race war, please alert the authorities to this correlation, k thx?

And what's up with writing Eric Menendez? If you don't know about the Menendez brothers, they are the rich kids who killed their parents for money back in the '90s. I would've written Lyle because Lyles fascinate me.


What a boring name. It's worse than Kyle. I can't say the name Lyle without doing it condescendingly or without complete disgust in my voice. I think I would as Lyle if he ever knew anyone named Buffy and how he got his mullet to look so awesome in prison. Oh yes, and I'd ask him why he really killed his parents.

I think I was most surprised at the Night Stalker's letters. Richard Ramirez letter sounds like any random convo you would have with one of your high school guy friends. Just chattin' with the Night Stalker about chicks and movies!


What a charming guy!

And that Ted Kacynszki - what a no personality-having motherfucker.


You'd think someone who lived in a one room shack in the boonies for years just building bombs and writing rambling manifestos would have a some sort of imagination. But no, Ted was just all, I don't know you so I can't give you advice, blah, blah, whatever. And when a 10-year old asks you if he should drop out of school, HOW ABOUT A SIMPLE "NO", TED? JESUS.

But I've saved the best for last y'all. Li'l Billy wrote several politicians asking them random, inane shit, but that doesn't matter. What really matters is that they wrote back and SENT AUTOGRAPHED PICTURES FTW! I'm so going to write them just for the smokin' pix. How can you resist that hot piece of ass Alan Greenspan? I want Greenspan completely naked wearing only sock garters holding his black dress socks up while wearing penny loafers while I'm counting his liverspots all over his body. Now that's some hot ass right there.


Or the fucking Terminator? Ooh, what are you going to do with that gun? So, is that part robot or human? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, stupid. I'm going to punch you in the face, and you're going to like it.


Or that sexual chocolate Clarence Thomas? You bang that gavel motherfucker. BANG IT HARD! SHOW ME WHAT'S UNDER THAT ROBE!


OMG Dick Cheney. How I love your horseshoe haircut and child molester glasses. Dick, you are pure sex. We're going to play Drill Sargeant JennJenn, and you're my maggot. Now drop and give me 50, Dick, before I kick your teeth in.


I am going to collect their autographed pictures and create a shrine in my living room. I shall call it "The Wall O' Sex" and make out with their pictures on a daily basis. Thank you, Billy, thank you.