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Monday, March 31, 2008

More Mugshot Mania

Beavis? Is that you? I miss you and The Great Cornholio. You have enough TP? If you need some, let me know. How's Butthead? Is he still smacking you around? There are places you can go for that, you know.

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O hai, ladies. You knows you want some of this white chocolates. Mmmm hmm. You like my pose? It says, "I'm thingle and ready to mingles. Heeyyy." Wigger jackass. Die.
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These two assholes got caught huffing paint in hardware stores. Their pictures should be printed on paint cans with the warning that huffing paint will give you a receding hairline, a permanent look of stupidity, a spraypaint goatee, and a case of the dead eyes.
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This idiot looks like she just got back from a gang rape or Britney Spears's wedding. Probably the latter. "Jamie Lynn took the last chicken fanger, and I's was hungry y'all."

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You know what I hate about the South and just being southern in general? ASSHOLES LIKE THESE:

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Why anyone would get a played out catch phrase created by some fake-ass hack comedian tattooed anywhere on their body MUCH LESS ON THEIR FUCKING FOREHEAD is beyond me. This motherfucker should be locked up forever for his own good. He is far too dumb to be in society. And keep his son in there with him to avoid further contamination of the gene pool. I completely understand the pro-eugenics movement now.

Nothing enrages me more than ugly chicks with the sassy message t-shirts like the ones below. You're not a "hottie", you never have been, you never, ever, ever will be. Also, the only party you ever attended is the one in your head with your pretend friends and/or your cat's birthday party. I'm telling you all, eugenics is the answer.

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Psssst. Hey! You forgot something. No, your hair looks fine. No, no, no the make-up is okay. Umm, YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT YOU DUMB WHORE!! Jesus Christ.

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This is what I picture Earl's grandmother looking like in heaven while having a three-way with Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings. And blowing Strom Thurmond.

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If my puppy, Twinkie, existed in human form and was a woman, I think he would look like this:

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Just a blank, stupid, open mouth stare with absolutely nothing going on behind those eyes. I just picture a tiny hamster running on a wheel to keep the broken rusty brain gears going. It's just a matter of time before the hamster collapses from a heart attack or the gears pop off and fall to the floor.

I really hate most people.

More Fun With Science Fair Pictures

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Oh how I love this kid. He looks like a total smartass. I can see it in his face that he fucking loves this project. He probably looks up the words "sphincter" and "anus" in the encyclopedia and looks at the pictures and giggles uncontrollably. You can just see the shit fetish forming in his mind. He loves his little bowl of shit and his shit volcano but resents the fact that he has to wear goggles because it ruins his connection with the shit. And looking at the pictures on his project, I understand Mr. Hanky, the chocolate starfish, and the brown eye, but what's with the Mr. Bojangles and Alexander Graham Bell pictures? Fucking weirdo. I'd definitely award him first place.

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Look how cute he is! He has a shit volcano too!

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Ok, this just scares me. Come play with us and our bowl JennJenn.

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No!

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I will give you honorable mention if you get any closer to me. And no one wants that boring white ribbon.

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OK, this one's fake but is completely relevant to the scientific community and should be studied. Do it for the kids.

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If I knew we could create Barbie death machines as a science project, I so would have done that. I had so many when I was little. I remember I used to have a red Barbie convertible and play "Car Crash Ken". My brother would always take my Ken doll or my Jordan Knight doll and rip one leg off or cut Jordan's rat tail off and hide their clothes. Sometimes I would take their heads off but lots of times I couldn't get them back on just right so they would pop off at random and inappropriate times. I would just have Barbie driving a naked, crippled, headless Ken everywhere. So, I would play car crash and push the car into the drainage ditch by my house. I was really into making the Barbie convertible go as fast as possible by running and pushing it on the ground then watch it sail into the ditch. It was just a flash of red then blonde Barbie hair flying through the air. It was hysterical. But one time, the ditch was filled with water (I was too dumb to even check first) and heard a splash instead of a thud when the car flew into the ditch. I ran to get my stupid dolls and my stupid car. All I could rescue was the car and the dolls except Ken's head popped off and floated into the culvert never to be seen again. So it would just be a naked, one-legged, beheaded Ken in the passenger seat. And since she totally resented that burden for having to drive his ass everywhere, I'd make Barbie kick Ken out of the car onto the road with her Barbie legs and just leave a that useless torso in the road to get run over by a car or carried off by the cat. It was so much fun.

I also invented a game called "Spaceship Crash" in which I would get my dad's hammer and nail Barbie to a frisbee and throw it in the road and wait for a car to come by and flatten the shit out of it. If I really wanted a laugh, I would run over it with my bike. An inefficient and painful death machine, but still an original one I think. I highly doubt Mattel even dreamed a kid would abuse these dolls in such a way.

I want so bad to go back and do all my science fair projects over again. But this time involve some combination of death and crap.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Summer Scents and Bobbie Brown

I hardly ever go to the mall, but I went today because I was so bored and wanted to check out the summer beauty and fragrance collections. I found some amazing stuff that I have to tell you about, and these are all new brands I am trying for the first time which is very exciting.

My first stop was the perfume counter, of course, and I have found my summer scents.

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The first is Nina by Nina Ricci. I comes in an adorable apple bottle and is the perfect fruity/floral. When I first spritzed it on I smelled the citrusy top note of Calabrian lemon and Caipirinha lime drying down into my favorite notes of vanilla, toffee apple, and praline mixed with peony and moonflower (it sounds odd, but I promise it works. It smells amazing.). Finally, the base notes of applewood, white cedar, and musk appear and combine with the apple and florals making a unique and beautiful scent perfect for summer nights.

But I think I love Prada's Infusion D'Iris even more. It's an incredibly soft, cool fragrance with notes of mandarin, orange blossom, galbanum, iris, incense, benzoin, cedar, lentisc and vetiver. It reminds me of one of my Guerlain favorites, L'Instant. I was very surprised that I liked this scent since I'm not really into the masculine vetiver or any aldehydic scents. But these completely disappeared on the dry-down leaving the iris, orange blossom, incense, and cedar notes. It also has a faint powdery smell, but nothing too strong. The notes mix perfectly into a beautiful fragrance. This is definitely one I'll be wearing all summer.

I also bought some Bobbie Brown products. I've heard lots of good things about this line, and I can't believe I've never tried anything of hers until now.

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The saleslady totally sold me on the foundation and moisturizer. I have combination skin with it oily in some areas and really dry in others. She applied the Hydrating Face Cream and the Luminous Moisturizing Foundation in Porcelain which made my skin incredibly soft and my skin tone completely even. I am in love with these! I also decided to try the cult classic Shimmer Brick (a blush/highlighter) in Rose, the Creamy Eye Pencil in Smoke, and the Glitter Lip Gloss in Naked, and I am very impressed. The eyeliner goes on very smoothly - no dragging & very smudgeable. The gloss is long-lasting, just like a MAC gloss, and very beautiful. And the Shimmer Brick deposits just the right amount of color and shimmer. Bobbie Brown appears to be a very high quality brand, and I recommend it to anyone.

I'll be posting more product reviews as soon as I get my orders in. <3 Jenn

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Goodbye, Twinkers, My Love

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So...I finally had to get rid of Twinkie, one of my little angels. I love him, but it's just not working out in this new apartment. I gave him to my aunt who I know will love him and take care of him, so I feel good about that. Sugar Bear just couldn't handle Twinkie's constant need to hump him as well as his habit of resting his balls on his face.

But I will miss you my Twinkers. We had some good times together. I loved the way you looked at me with complete stupidity and cluelessness,

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and I will miss the way your tounge hung out the side of your mouth like the oversized tounge of a child with Down's Syndrome. I loved your fascination with lying on/next to my feet.

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And I loved the way you provided me and my friends with hours of drunken entertainment. One has not truly experienced hilarity until they have seen you jump in a circle on your hind legs just to get a stupid Twizzler. God, you are dumb. But I love you.

However, it wasn't all shits and giggles. We had our trying times. Like the time you chewed up my favorite Coach bag, and then tried to go for my Prada. I am sorry for throwing said bag at you as I am sure the buckle hurt pretty bad, but you cannot comprehend how awesome these bags are. And then all of the pairs of shoes you ruined! I wish you could talk to me and tell me WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CHEW UP JUST ONE FUCKING SHOE AND LEAVE THE OTHER ONE THERE FOR ME TO JUST LOOK AT AND WANT TO WEAR BUT CAN'T?!?! FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK! It was pure torture.

Twinkie, I hope you love your new home in Mississippi. Be nice to Ricky Bobby,

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don't fuck with his Cool Ranch Doritos, and try not to hump him too. He is very nice. Stay off highway, listen to Amanda, and dodge Uncle Ricky's beer bottles the best you can, as we all do.

Love,
Mommy

P.S. Sugar Bear wants me to tell you to die in a fire. He is still pissed about the attempted rape. That's not very nice. I'm sorry.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Oh C.J., How I Love You

I have found my new most favorite person in the world aside from my soul mate Shannon from Planet Unicorn (heeeyyyyy)


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This is CJ, and he is amazing. I can honestly say I've never seen a person eat a cotton ball on purpose as well as someone run like a retarded seven-year old girl. Maybe it's the girl jeans that prevent him from bending his knee joints. Who knows. It's hilariously stupid anyway.

I guess C.J. is supposed to be "emo", but he's too happy and weird to be emo. Yeah, he's got the black nail polish and wears girl clothes. But he has a penchant for wearing 80s headgear, making stupid faces, and drawing stick figures (which are just awful, by the way. I'm starting to think something's wrong with him. Mild retardation or an underdeveloped right brain perhaps? His drawings look like he stuck a magic marker in his asshole and created a lovely ass mural all over his tiny bedroom.) That's not very emo.

I think my favorite part was the end where the bull dyke gym teacher mom tried to get him to man up with some wrestling lessons, and he says crawling around with men doesn't make him feel more like a man. FACE! And I agree, C.J. If you want your questionably gay son to stop acting like a flaming homo, DON'T MAKE HIM ROLL AROUND HALF NAKED WITH OTHER MEN ON A GYM FLOOR, DUMBASS! JESUS CHRIST!

And he reminds me of Rusty from MadTV, and for that, I love him even more.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Most Time Consuming Way To Kill Yourself

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An 81-year old man in Austrailia built a suicide robot from instructions off the internet to kill himself. I shit you not.

I want a suicide robot. Only I wouldn't kill myself. I would strategically place it in areas frequented by douchebags and assholes, aim, press the suicide button, and watch the hilarity ensue. And my God, I have so many questions!

1. Why would anyone go through the trouble to buy a gun only to build a robot to kill you with that same gun. Couldn't we just cut out the middleman (middlerobot?), grow some balls, and just pull the trigger yourself?

2. How does an 81-year old man know how to use the internets let alone download blueprints for his suicide robot and put this crap together? My Papaw is 70, and I had to show him how to retreive his voicemails on his cell. I had to do this about 4 times. But my Papaw also wears Hawaiian shirts

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& shorts with black socks

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and orthopedic shoes

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and is a total narcoleptic.

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I guess he spends his days creating ensembles that are abominations to the fashion gods and falling asleep in his lunch. He has no time for technology. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I do admire his ability to fall asleep anytime, anywhere. I still can't fall asleep after taking four Tylenol PMs. Lucky son of a bitch.

3. This guy set his robot up in his driveway at about 7 a.m. on a weekday and he shot himself via suicide robot. Please tell me he lives near a school bus stop.

4. I would like to know if you can program this thing to say Schwarzenegger or Dirty Harry lines right before it kills you so you can at least go out with a laugh.

5. Finally, how could his family not be aware that their 81 year-old relative was building a robot? Wouldn't they find this strange? Even if they were unaware it was a suicide robot? Didn't they notice like robot arms and feet everywhere or maybe even a robot head with some wires and circuits and shit all over the house and think it was a tad abnormal? That didn't raise any red flags?

If my family was this dumb, I would kill myself too.

See, Your Life Isn't So Bad

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I believe I have come across a picture that is the epitome of monumental, suck, fail, and disappointment. It is one of the saddest photographs I've seen since this
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and this

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This picture which I will entitle "I Am Seriously Looking at a Picture of a Rapping Puerto Rican Midget Accompanied by Two Failed Fly Girls" is one devoid of any trace of human dignity. Even the orange hippie van is humiliated. And what enrages me about this little guy is that you know he knows he's in the wrong genre! Midgets are only employed by mediocre rap/metal acts:

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Someone should tell him all he has to do is run around the stage and yell without running into Kid Rock or tripping over his shoestrings on his tiny Dora The Explorer shoes that are on his fat baby midget feet. And, girls, it's time to pack away your J.Lo track suits, your old dance school pictures, and your memories into your box of shattered dreams, and face reality: IF YOU ARE DANCING BACK-UP FOR A FUCKING MIDGET, THIS WHOLE "DANCE CAREER" JUST AIN'T WORKING OUT!!!

You know their mothers saw these pictures and are now just shells of their former selves, and when they can bring themselves to look at their children, tears of disappointment flow down their cheeks and into their gallon of Rocky Road ice cream. God forbid these idiots have children themselves, and their kids see this picture. Nothing compares to the joy of watching your child's respect for you drain from their eyes only to be replaced by resentment and condescension. I hope your happy with yourselves.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

John "Hollywood" Adams



So I checked out the new HBO series "John Adams". I heard it was really good, and it got excellent reviews. It was kind of boring in some parts, but it was a pretty good biography depicting both the personal and historical aspects of John Adams's life. However, I didn't find it as riveting as this guy. Reviews like that overinflate the ego which got me thinking how funny it would be if John Adams lived in our times and went all Hollywood with Ben Franklin and left Abigail for J.Lo or some shit. I think it would go something like this convo between John Adams and his hypothetical agent "Chaz":

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I love Hollywood John Adams.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

New Brit-Brit

Here's the video for "Break The Ice". I really like both the song and the video.

I really just said that.

Break the Ice

Miss Gulag

Siberia has a Miss Gulag pageant. Yes, I said Miss GULAG!

It's a fucking beauty pageant for women prisoners. There are three categories in which they are judged: "Greek Goddesses", "Flower Gowns" (eww, tacky), and "Imaginary Uniforms" where each contestant designs their idea prison uniform.

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This has to be one of saddest things I've ever heard of.

The most beautiful and the most creative prisoner wins the "Miss Spring" title and gets a tiara probably made from shit found around the prison like tin foil, toilet paper, and glitter from arts & crafts day.

Let's meet the contestants:

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This is Natalya. She is 26 and enjoys long walks in the tundra (Long, long, long walks. Through the snow. For hours and hours. On a chain gang.) and pink dresses with lots of ruffles. Her ideal man must be comfortable with no physical contact for 5-10 years and making out with a pane of glass between them. She is a no nonsense gal who does not like to play games. Turn offs include subtle lip color, 23 hour work days, and any hair style after 1985.

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This sexpot is Natasha. Turn ons: Willy Wonka glasses, assault rifles, and bangs that are plastered to one's forehead. She loves men wth a sense of humor and men who accept collect calls. Turn offs include freedom and waking up screaming in the middle of the night.

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I don't this chick's name, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's Natasha. She enjoys belly dancing, all shades of orange, and sweating like a pig. She is looking for a man with a crobar, wire cutter, and hacksaw handy along with a death wish. Turn offs include eyes with any spark of life in them and people with souls.

My vote goes to Natalya. She likes pink and looks all shimmery, and I want to give her a makeover.

Monday, March 10, 2008

GUNTHER UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Sweet! I am now Gunther's myspace friend.

I am as elated as Rick is when he is at work:



OK. That was a bad example, but one of you bitches is getting knocked off my top 40. And I am formulating my first myspace message to Gunther as I speak which I will post as soon as it's perfected. I hope to hear back from him preferably in the form of shitty techno song lyrics in his awful German accent accompanied by a generic dance beat. Keep your fingers crossed!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

I've Found My Soul Mate Heeeeeyyyy

Rainbows, unicorns, and gays. My happiness trifecta is complete.



What makes me even happier is that Feathers sounds like Shawn from the best documentary that has ever been filmed: Living Dolls (he's about 7:30 into the clip).

I dedicate this episode of Planet Unicorn to future t-shirt model Flea. Take notes pumpkin:



(Thank you Bonnie for showing me this. It has brought me immeasurable happiness.)

Sephora Spree #143...Jesus Christ This Has Got To Stop

Afer I had like 4 giant margaritas last night and make-up chat with my BFF Bonnie, I went on a drunken Sephora spree at 3 a.m. because I need more make-up. Right. I hate myself.

Really though, I'm out of bronzer & highlighter which I am currently obsessed with. I decided to try Guerlain this time because my make-up idol Scott Barnes uses Terra Cotta

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on his clients J.Lo, Julianne Moore, and Kate Hudson. I decided to go with Terra Cotta Light

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since I'm so fair, and I don't want to look like I have Paris Hilton's atrocious tan. I hope it works just as well. I also purchased Guerlain Meteorites

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in Mythic 01 to use as highlighter which MakeupAlley gave an 82% positive review, so it's probably a good investment. I've only experienced Guerlain as one of my favorite perfume houses. They make Insolence

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(one of my favorite scents) and the cult classic Shalimar.

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Hopefully, the cosmetic line is just as good.

Bonnie got Too Faced shadow base

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and Lancome shadow in Metallic.

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Too Faced makes great eye make-up. I've never tried the shadow base (I use Benefit's Lemon Aid. When I run out I will be trying this one.), but their shadows are a lot like Scott Barnes's Eye Ice

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but much more affordable. I recommend Totally Toasted

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and Lovey-Dovey

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especially if you like lots of color and shimmer.

As for mascara, we both purchased Dior Show of course.

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It's the best mascara ever.

And what's a beauty post without mentioning fragrance? BonnBonn was recently given I Love Love by Moschino.

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She really likes it, and I have a small sample of it and thought it smelled amazing. Notes include bright citrus, followed by sexy yet feminine florals, cinnamon leaves, woods and musk. I can't wear it though because I'm allergic to it, but I purchased Pure by mark.

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I've never tried the mark. products before. I know the brand is an offshoot of Avon, but I think they target a younger demographic. But Pure is a very simple fragrance and perfect for spring or even summer with notes of clean white soap, citrus, and sheer florals. I'll post reviews as soon as I try everything!