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Thursday, April 24, 2008

Random Googles and Such

I'm drunk, and it's time for random googles. When I'm bored I like to google words and such and see what pictures come up in google images. I am a loser. Here we go!

1. "penis,penis,penis"

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Oh wow, it's a slug penis. I've been thinking, and there are some animals that you just never think of as having genitals. A slug is one of them. Do jellyfish have penises? What about a sea cucumber? Or lizards or something? I don't know. I'll have to do some research.

2. "prince valiant haircut"

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I loved "No Country for Old Men", but I think I would have loved it more if I could've paid more attention to it. Instead, I was fixated on Javier Bardem's amazing prince valiant 'do. It's so symmetrical, and the ends are perfectly curled under. I found it hard to believe a serial killer would take time out of his killing spree to get a blowout or meticulously groom his hair this way. And why that makes me laugh, I don't know. But I could be at a funeral, and if you said "prince valiant haircut" to me, I would laugh like a retard on nitrous and not even feel bad about it.

3. "sugar nuts"

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Sugar Nuts is what my brother calls my precious little angel Sugar Bear. At first I was not amused. However, every part of Sugar Bear is sweet, so this nickname really is accurate. Oh, Sugar Nuts, I love your little puppy paws, and I love to kiss your puppy nose.

4. "slutty mcslutterson"

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Why is St. Patrick coming up with this? Google images is going to hell. I'll save you a spot asshole.

5. "and such"

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I love this picture because it remindes me off Will Ferrell's Jeffrey skit from SNL. Jeffrey was the gay fashion designer that had a cell phone about this size and rode around on a Round-A-Bout scooter and always running into stuff with it. One of his best ever, and I forgot how hilarious Horatio Sanz is:



6. "strawberry muffins FTW!"

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I just made some delicious strawberry muffins. They are so good. But I don't know why this stupid Christmas card came up when I googled this phrase. If someone set me this Christmas card, I think I would dismember him, put the body parts in a box, wrap the box with a big ol' bow, affix the card to the box, put on my best Christmas sweater and Santa hat, roll around in some tinsel, go to his mother's house, drop-kick said present into the house when she answered the door, then leave. Point made.

7. "gary is a douche"

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I think it's a requirement that all guys named Gary be douches. It's like a birth right or something.

8. "teh ghey"

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The mere existence of this car astounds me. There is someone on this planet that made a conscious decision to 1. buy a hatchback, 2. paint the hubcaps yellow, 3. drive it to work with no shame, and 4. paint a sweet racing stripe down the side.

9. "faildozer"

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Google images, you just redeemed yourself! This is the most accurate picture of the word "faildozer" I could ever dream of. Ike Barinholtz has it down:



10. "what the fuck is wrong with me?"

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Purple socks. Right. Because that completely makes sense. I hate feet.

11. "kill me now"

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I call this ensemble "i-have-a-concussion-from-the-last-game-and-now-i-only-wear-polo-shirt-dresses-and-slippers-while-I-drink-my-coffee-and-and-make-out-with-my-football-and-i'm-confused-about-my-sexuality chic. And is this the coach from The Waterboy?

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In conclusion, Google is perfect for drunken fun. I <3 the Google.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Hot Make-Up Messes

I do a lot of blogging about the products I love, so I'm going to do a post about stuff I've bought and tried and really hate. Don't even bother to waste your money on this garbage:

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Maybelline Great Lash Mascara: It's highly overrated, gives you spider lashes and gets clumpy. I hate this mascara with a passion. I suggest Benefit's Bad Gal or Dior's Diorshow mascara or really anything with a large, thick brush.

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Essie nail polish in Ballet Slippers: A cult favorite especially with celebrity manicurists, but I found this to be way too streaky with one coat, but too much like White-Out with two. If you want a light pink polish, I suggest Essie's Madameoiselle.

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NARS Body Glow bronzer: This is a pretty decent bronzer, but really annoying. It's made with Monoi de Tahiti Oil which solidifies at room temperature, so you either have to place it in hot water or in the shower with you before using it which really blows because I always forget to do that. However, it does give you a nice bronze fake tan and smells like the beach - all coconutty and suntan lotion-y. I guess I have mixed feelings on this one.

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DuWop's Lip Venom: This is supposed to be a lip plumper, but really it just stings the shit out of your lips and makes them abnormally red. Boooooo.

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Benefit's Dr. Feelgood: I just don't get this one, and I can't remember if I bought it or why. You're supposed to put it on before your make up to smooth out texture and minimize pores, but I didn't notice a difference. This product is completely useless.

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Laura Mercier Secret Camouflage concealer: I was very disappointed with this one. It's supposed to be the best concealer on the market, but it just wasn't. And it was too orange and wore off fast. Get Benefit's Boi-ing concealer. It's much better.

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Chanel's Liquid Eyeshadow: It goes on pretty, shiny, and colorful, but dries down to a powder that creases too much. Another massive disappointment.

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Biosilk Hair Products: I used the shampoo, conditioner, and the shine serum but was not impressed. The shampoo and conditioner dried my hair and the shine serum just made it greasy and stringy looking not shiny. I recommend Frederic Fekkai hair products especially the Technician Glaze to make your hair shine and not greasy/stringy.

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Prescriptives Flawless Skin Foundation: For a company that publicizes that they custom mix your foundation for you, they sure do suck at it. The girl that did mine made mine too pink, and the product itself is chalky with little to no coverage. Lame.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

My Dream Has Come True

We finally have a Sephora in Little Rock. It's about goddamn time.

I went on a little spree after I got my hair done Saturday (I'm brunette now, y'all) and got some great stuff.

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I'll start with bath & body. Philosophy is one of my favorite cosmetic brands ever. I picked up a bottle of Bubbly, the new body wash/shampoo/bubble bath combo thingy that smells like champagne with a hint of citrus. I could sniff it all day. I also picked up a new bottles of Falling in Love which contains notes of vanilla, jasmine, lily of the valley, musk, blackberry and Amazing Grace which is a feminine blend of soft, floral blossoms accented by a hint of light musk. It's one of my favorites. And I bought a bottle of Clean which has notes of green wildberry (whatever the fuck that is), night jasmine, Calabrian bergamot, sweet orange, grapefruit, lime, neroli, and rose Damascenia with middle notes of violet, English lavender, geranium-heliotrope with a white musk base. It's perfect for summer - very light and very fresh. I also picked up a jar of Sephora brand body butter in Citrus Sage. It's perfect for layering with the Clean fragrance or even Amazing Grace, and it moisturizes very well. I'm really impressed.

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As for make-up, I got several products from the Stila line. I got a bottle of the All Over Shimmer Liquid Luminizer which I mix with my foundation to make me all glowy. I also bought a compact of the Convertible Color cream blush/lipstick in Lillium. It's a nice dusty rose color, and looks great with my new hair. I also bought a tube of the Lip Glaze in Vanilla which is a pearly nude color. It's very glossy and goes with anything. One of my other favorite brands is Benefit. I bought the Boi-ing concealer in 01 and an Eye Bright pencil. Eye Bright is an amazing product. Use it on your browbone to highlight and in the inner corners of your eyes to instantly brighten your eyes. It really makes a difference, especially if your eyes look tired a lot. The tin of lip gloss in the bottom left corner is Machu Picchu Lip Gloss Duo by CARGO. One color is a shimmery gold and the other is a goldish pink shimmer gloss. You can wear them alone or mix them. Next, I picked up Tinted Mineral Veil which is a facial luminizer and some eyeshadow in Passionate Plum which is a medium purple color. I am so in love with purple eyeshadow. It looks great on anyone if it's applied right. Finally, I got some new nail polish. I got Essie's Wild Thing which is a deep fuschia with flecks of glitter and OPI's Siberian Nights, a deep, glossy purple color.

Gorgeous!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Between Two Ferns

Zach Galifianakis is a genius. I love him so much. Here is his new video of his talk show called "Between Two Ferns" in which he does an interview with Jimmy Kimmel. This is exactly how I would do a talk show. Just me, a 40, taking off my socks and shoes in the middle of an interview, 2 giant ferns, and drunkenly yelling at a giant banana. It's like he was reading my mind and stole my idea.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Hat Removal Ceremony

If you listen to Opie and Anthony, then I'm sure you heard about or saw this video the other day. It shows a big black dude mugging a 101 year-old lady and knocking her hat off her cotton ball head. Watching the video by itself is kind of sad, but add the commentary by Opie, Ant, and Jimmy, and it is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.



It ranks up there with Jack Black drop-kicking Baxter off the bridge in "Anchorman"



and baby Pearl beating the shit out of Will Ferrell with a phone book.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Read This If You Are Dieting

Top 10 Most Disgusting Candies

Top 10 Disgusting Foods

That was so gross and so helpful. I'll pass on those Snickers.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Someone Has Terrible Judge of Character

This is quite possibly my most favoritest picture ever.

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I would love to meet the mother of this baby. What is so goddamn important and urgent that you have run down your whole list of possible babysitters, and the best you can find is Amy Winehouse? There must have been no other person on the planet available to watch your kid. Y'all, Amy Winehouse is a crackhead drunk WITH IMPETIGO ON HER FACE. Impetigo is a contagious bacterial infection, and this baby is mere inches from her face. This picture scares me more than ghosts,

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zombie children,

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Christina Aguilera's make-up,

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Regan from The Exorcist,

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primordial dwarfism,

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Britney's weave,

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Shaq's shoe (and potentially large penis, damn),

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and Indian midgets.

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However, the more I look at this little guy, the more I fall in love with him. I want to dress him in a tuxedo, put some pomade in his hair with a deep side part, and make him tap dance on my coffee table for my amusement. That's fucking precious.

Anyway, my point is that I thought it was a given that you don't leave your kid with someone who is in the middle of doing a shot and someone who has an infectious skin disease. But some people need everything explained to them I guess.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Another Insightful and Productive Day With Gary

Oh yay. We had an assignment change at work, and guess who I get to train and work with? It's my favorite person ever: GARY!!!

I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF!!

I was in such a good mood only to have it ruined by a 6'4" douche in navy blue twill slacks that are about 6 inches too short,

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black socks, orthopedic shoes,

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and a blue plaid shirt.

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That's all he ever wears. Oh, and glasses that slide down to the end of his nose that I just want to snatch off his face and crush with my shoe. It's never anything different, and it's gotten to the point where I can't even look at him anymore without wanting to slit my wrists. But at least he got a haircut. The next thing that needs to go is that awful Ditka mustache.

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I had to move seats to get him out of my field of vision, as I know I would just become more enraged by looking at those stupid pants. Gary, I hate your pants so much.

What you need to know about Gary is that he thinks he is the most funny, charming man alive, and he constantly feels the need to fill silences in the room with corny jokes that everyone is forced to laugh politely at. I thought maybe this day would be different since it's already 9 am, and he hasn't made a complete jackass out of himself.

I was wrong.

From about 9:30 am to around lunch time there was a massive carpet bombing of bad jokes, puns, and retarded, vapid, and useless questions and comments. Oh, he was saving it for us! It started with him staring at a projector and singing "She blinded me with science!" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?! I physically cringed and put my head down on my desk as my co-worker Nikki and I looked at each with looks of complete disgust on our faces. Nikki told him to shut the hell up and sit down. Nikki doesn't mince words. I love her.

After my nausea passed from the projector incident, we had to do this training class. I was having trouble logging in and after a minute or so, I figured out my number lock key wasn't on.

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A normal person would just move on, but not funny, witty Gary who had to launch into an argument against the existance of a number lock key. Oh Gary, I just love your observational humor on keyboard keys. Please, I want to hear your three point essay on why they should eliminate the number lock key because you feel it's useless and pointless much like your existence. By all means, continue, fucktard.

So Gary rambles on another 10 minutes about the number lock key until it was time for my lunch break. I had to get out of that room. It was sucking the life out of me, and if I heard any more nonsense from that asshole, my brain was going to explode. I go back to my desk ON ANOTHER FLOOR and this motherfucker follows me and keeps babbling in my ear about something. By this time, I'm starting to get pretty good at just blocking him out like a bad molestation memory. He's there in front of me saying stuff, but I just nod politely and say "oh, yeah?" or "really?" every once in a while. He's so into his own voice and what he's saying that he doesn't even notice.

So I'm sitting and looking out the window trying to eat my lunch and plot my way out of this hellhole before I snap even though I've completely lost my appetite. Dummy asks me, "Would you rather fall to your death, die from smoke inhalation, or be burned to death?" We are on the 28th floor, so that question kind of unnerved me, but I think I told him I'd rather pass out from smoke inhalation and die. What I really wanted to tell him was that I would totally piggy-back ride him down and use him to break my fall and possibly live. Maybe his stupid plaid shirts would offer some wind resistance. Who the hell knows?

I can tell this isn't going to end well. One of us is going to walk out, end up in tears, or have a nervous breakdown. I think I'm heading for the latter. Why am I here?

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Kenton Stufflebeam

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Kenton Stufflebeam is an asshole. He's 11, but he's a fucking nudge know-it-all douche. I hate him.

It seems the Stufflebeams took a vacation to Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of Natural History, and li'l Kenton noticed that the musuem mistakenly identified the Precambrian period as an era. He and his dad filled out a comment card at the information desk to notify them of this grave error that needs the museum's full and immediate attention. I would love to be alone in a room with these two for 5-10 minutes. I think that would be enough time to strangle them with my bare hands and get a few kidney punches in. I want to make them cry.

Kenton Stufflebeam is one of those smug motherfuckers always going around correcting your pronunciation and grammar or asking you if you know stupid facts no one really gives a shit about but make him feel like he's the smartest boy alive because he knows them, and YOU DON'T! This kid is going to grow up to be just like my co-woker Gary and live in a world of boredom, suck, and abstinence.

I imagine Kenton Stufflebeam is the inspiration for Kyle Schwartz,



and he's one of those kids that is allergic to everything and will die if he comes within a 6 mile radius of a peanut and won't stop asking you dumb questions about dinosaurs and cartoons and shit.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE TROODONTIDS WERE THE SMARTEST DINOSAURS ALIVE?
No, I didn't.

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN TELL A DINOSAUR'S AGE BY COUNTING THE RINGS ON THEIR BONES LIKE A TREE?
Didn't know it, still don't care.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE TAILS OF SOME DINOSAURS COULD BE USEFUL IN ATTAINING A TRIPOD STANCE, WHICH WAS PROBABLY USED TO FORAGE VERY TALL VEGETATION AND FOR MATING?
They used their tails for mating? That's one subject you will never, ever know anything about.

DID YOU KNOW A T.REX HAD SHARP, POINTED TEETH USED FOR TEARING FLESH AND/OR CRUSHING BONES?
Yes, retard. Everyone knows that.

DID YOU KNOW THE DINOSAURS WERE KILLED BY AN ASTEROID THAT STRUCK THE EARTH 65 MILLION YEARS AGO?
I wish another one would hit us now. I would happily sacrifice my life and those of my friends and family just to get you off this planet and to end this one-way convo immediately.

MY FAVORITE CARTOON IS TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. WHAT'S YOUR'S?
My favorite cartoon is one that I created myself about the murder of a douchy family who can't just chill out and enjoy a nice museum exhibit. There's lots of pain and blood.

Get ahold of yourself, Stufflebeam. You need to relax or high school is going to blow donkey cock, and you'll die a virgin.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Creepy Fucks

So I read today that this chick named Natasha Collins, who was the star of some British children's TV show called "See It, Saw It" accidentally killed herself when she OD'd on coke while sitting in a tub of scalding water which burned over 60% of her body.

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Genius. I'd be on coke 24/7 too if I had to wear that jackass ensemble the color of a McDonald's bathroom and a unitard that creates a constant concern for cameltoe.

I've always found these children's TV show host incredibly creepy. What grown man or woman really aspires to run around in ridiculous costumes, reciting dialog for 3 year-olds, and expressing only fake happiness and excitement all day? No wonder they turn to drugs, sexual deviance, suicide, and even homicide. This whole double life thing is fascinating.

I'll start with Pee Wee Herman.

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I think he's the most harmless. Yeah, Pee Wee's a little kinky. Sure he had the kid's show (which I loved when I was little), but his stand-up/stage act did have some sexual material in it. It was no surprise to me that he loves his porn, but who doesn't? However, he likes to jerk off in movie theaters which is technically against the law, but it was a porno movie theater for godssakes. If you go to see a porno in public, you know why you're there, you know why everyone else is there. What's the big deal if you wack off in the theater? Just watch the porn, jerk it, avoid eye contact, and go about your business. At least he wasn't watching Lilo & Stitch sitting beside li'l Timmy just crankin' it.

I also watched Mr. Rogers when I was a kid,

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but there was also something unnerving about this guy. Maybe it was a combination of the Salad Fingers voice, the weird puppets, helmet hair, and the cardigan fetish. I've never seen a man with so many cardigans in such an assortment of colors. I always enjoyed seeing what color cardigan he would wear each day. Anyway, I always thought Mr. Rogers was one bad day away from snapping and going on a killing spree.

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And then there's Steve from Blues Clues. I actually think Steve is a pretty normal guy and realizes what a massive FAIL his career has become. Look at this face:

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He's smiling, but you can tell he's just dead inside when you look in his eyes. He doesn't want to be a dopey kid show host. He had dreams of being an actor or something. Now he has to go to work everyday in an unflattering striped shirt with khaki pants and talk to a blue cartoon dog that isn't even real so he has to talk to a green screen and a camera all day. Jesus. How do these people do it? Anyway, I think he quit the show and was replaced by this douche:

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Underneath the pancake make-up, mismatched undereye concealer, and the purple sweater you know there's a world of hurt inside that noggin. I can't wait for this breakdown. I'm guessing he has a hankering for tranny whores, gay orgies, glittery eye make-up, and a bad case of OCD. And what happened to his cock and balls in that picture? I think someone actually took the time to photoshop them out. How immasculating.

Oooh, this is a good one! Remember the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? Well, Skylar Deleon (ew,how ghey) played bit parts on the show when it was on the air in the '90s, and here's his mugshot:

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Guess what he did!?!?!

Oh, he and his wife just tied an elderly couple to an anchor on their yacht and THREW THEM OVERBOARD WHILE THEY WERE STILL ALIVE in order to hijack said yacht. He is also accused in the second case of luring a man to Mexico in December of 2003, slitting his throat, and leaving the body by the side of a road. Nice job nutcase.

I love these psychos so much. I'm sure I'm overlooking a few other messes, but I'm really looking forward to the next meltdown.